Uncertainty

I was just listening to a podcast yesterday while I ran called The Art of Charm.  It was a conversation with author Olivia Fox Cabane on The Science of Creativity and Genius.  She says that each of us have a threshold for uncertainty.  That once we have reached that threshold, we go to fight, flight or freeze.  

Check out the podcast.  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/art-charm-confidence-relationship/id212382281?mt=2&i=340354310

The podcast I ran with this morning again addressed uncertainty from a different angle.  Civility and Doubt.  Often in a discussion when two people hold opposing views, one or both will become uncivil and aggressive.  I considered what I learned yesterday about uncertainty and how the brain responds – that the brain reacts to uncertainty in the same way that it reacts to pain; with an urgent directive to resolve it, creating a tension that won’t go away without resolution.  We want to be certain – confident.  And this works against us when we are certain or confident about things that aren’t certain.   When doubt is introduced, tension is created so that we want to defend what we hold as certain – even to the point of uncivil aggression.  This is why it is so hard to be open minded about those thoughts, ideas, values and principles that I hold dear.  It reminds me of the quote from the back of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous,

“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep man in everlasting ignorance.  That principle is contempt prior to investigation.”

Yet, when I become open minded, willing to consider the possibility that I have placed my confidence in a position that may not be accurate, the tension of uncertainty (aka curiosity) will serve me by inspiring investigation and inquiry until the uncertainty is replaced by insight and clarity.

One Plus One = Blue

One plus one is two.  Predictable.  One plus one = blue.  Not.   Not expected and it doesn’t fit into what we have accepted as the truth.  One plus one is blue doesn’t make any sense.  Things that don’t make sense slow us down.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.

We have all developed beliefs, rules and conditions about what does and doesn’t make sense so that life can be predictable.  That’s the way our brain works.  The brain’s job is to make sure that we survive.  It recognizes patterns and turns them into habits which are wired into the subconscious.  The brain makes mental habits out of thoughts that we repeatedly think, feeling habits out of feelings we repeatedly feel, and action habits out of the actions we repeatedly take.

Take money for example.   So many of us get upset around money because of the mental habits – the beliefs - that we have about it.   

• What does money mean to you?  
• What are your rules for money?  
• Are the rules for you the same as the rules for everyone else?   
• What do you think of people who have a lot of money?   
• Why do you have as much as you have?  

Your answers to these questions reveal some of your rules, conditions and beliefs about money.   Without changing these rules, conditions and beliefs, your money results won’t change. The same goes for time, relationships and business.

When our rules get broken, when our conditions are not met, and when our beliefs are challenged, it’s easy to get upset.  Upset is what happens when what is expected and predictable doesn’t happen.  So when you are upset, your brain is working perfectly.

Predictable is safe.  Safe is comfortable.  Until it's not.  Living life to be comfortable is the most natural thing to do.  It means reacting to life with predictable thoughts, predictable choices, predictable feelings, predictable actions and predictable results.  This works well until the results that are predictable are no longer acceptable or workable. 

Now there is a problem.  What has always worked in life doesn't seem to be working anymore.   Now our rules beliefs and conditions aren’t making things comfortable and it’s time to change them.  Not so fast.  Change is hard.  Change is uncomfortable.  Sometimes trying to change is so frustrating that we just decide we can live with the way things ares.  But now we have constant stress.  Let’s define stress as what happens when our addiction to comfort produces discomfort.

stress: when the addiction to comfort produces discomfort

Now let’s think about the words, possible and possibility.  Notice what happens when you begin to imagine something great for yourself or for your life that isn’t already in the realm of what is predictable, comfortable or expected.  You probably experience a mixture of thoughts and feelings.   You go car shopping and find a car that makes you feel like a million bucks and you get excited until you find out it will cost you a million bucks. Then you feel disappointed.  This yo-yo effect can make you nauseous.  It can make you stop dreaming. 

The unknown is where possibility lives.  Living in the unkown means living in possibility but to get there you have to travel light.   There’s really no room for baggage including fear, the past and what you think you know. 

Predictably, the unknown is unpredictable.  The unknown is uncomfortable until it becomes the new mental habit.  The unknown is full of the unexpected.  Unlike what is comfortable and predictable, the unknown is infinite.  The possibilities are endless.

Are you ready to get in the game?  What’s holding you back?   You can wait until what is predictable becomes unbearable or you can take the leap now.   One, Blue, Three,  JUMP!

Why is it so Hard to Change?

This is what I understand so far about the challenge of change.   As you read this, I suggest that you use your skepticism and do your own research to see if what I have been learning is accurate.   Also, check it against what you understand to see if it matches.   I don’t represent any of this as the truth, factual or scientific.

I do experiments in my own life (I think most of us do) but they aren’t controlled and don’t follow any strict scientific rules or processes.  I just love to read and learn and to apply what I read and learn to my own life to see if and how it works.

So please read this lightly and see if there is any value for you in the ideas.  Don’t believe me.  Check it out for yourself.

Habits, both good and bad, become habits when we do something over and over until our “animal” or unconscious brain recognizes the pattern and takes over gradually from our “human” or conscious brain (the prefrontal cortex).   The animal brain is similar to the brain that other animals have.  Part of its job is to improve our chances of survival by being efficient.  This part of the brain doesn’t have the ability to question or to be logical.  It just follows the programming or beliefs that we have assumed.

The conscious, human part of the brain gives us the ability to think about what we think about and to choose, plan, learn new things and focus.

If something happens that the animal part of our brain doesn’t recognize, there is an automatic survival response that sends all necessary resources to those parts of the body that need those resources to survive.   The animal brain recognizes things that are new and unfamiliar as threats and immediately shuts down higher functions and higher thinking like planning, learning, creating and wisdom to focus on how to survive the threat (perceived or real).

The body releases chemicals such as adrenalin, norepinephrine and cortisol so that we can run, fight or in some cases, play dead.

So what does any of this have to do with why it so hard to change?   Habits help us to become efficient.  When we try to change a habit, the new behavior is unfamiliar and we immediately feel uncomfortable because the animal part of our brain doesn’t recognize the pattern and perceives a threat.  But the longer we can keep up the changed behavior, the more comfortable the animal brain gets with the new behavior until the new behavior becomes automatic.  In this way we can form a new habit to replace a bad habit.

My Story

One of the best examples of this in my life is my old habit of drinking alcohol.   By the time I was 27 years old, drinking alcohol was a daily habit.   There was trouble in my marriage.   My wife had begun to associate with her new boss and his wife.   He had been a sober member of AA (aa.org) for 2 ½ years at that time and his wife had been a member of Alanon (al-anon.org).   My wife was beginning to realize that my drinking and the things that she did to compensate for my drinking were not normal, healthy or optimal for her happiness and the harmony of our family.

So I decided to stop drinking but found that it was really hard to do.  This confused me because I didn’t think I had a problem and I certainly didn’t think that I was addicted to alcohol.  My animal brain had recognized my daily drinking as a pattern years before and had made it automatic – made it a habit.  The most efficient thing for me to do was to drink alcohol every day.   What would have been highly inefficient would have been to use my human (conscious) brain to decide every day whether or not to drink alcohol.  

The first few weeks without a drink were very uncomfortable.   I experienced both physical and mental withdrawals because I was changing my behavior.  The only thing I knew to do to relieve this kind of discomfort was to drink more alcohol.  Fortunately, I had the support of AA and was beginning to form the new habit of being sober.  So since November 15, 1982, I haven’t practiced the alcohol drinking habit.  No need to knock on wood.  It wasn’t luck, fortune, weakness or morality that formed my drinking habit or my sobriety habit.   I was able to stop drinking because I didn’t put alcohol in my body long enough to create a new habit. 

Without alcohol in my life, an endless number of mental habits have been exposed.   I have gone through the same process to change those mental habits, one at a time.

My Brain is Doing What My Brain is Supposed to Do

I’m still learning about how this works in my life.   What is profoundly evident is that if I have formed a habit it just means that my brain is working the way it supposed to work.   And if I try to change a habit and my brain kicks into fight or flight, then that also means my brain is working the way it is supposed to work.   It’s just trying to be efficient so that I can survive.  There is nothing wrong.  The brain is doing its job.

To change behavior; to change a habit, I must consistently engage in the new behavior while disengaging from the old behavior. Since my automatic actions are the result of my feelings (I do what I do because I feel what I feel), it’s critical to manage my feelings.   Think of feelings as changes in the vibrations in my body.  Some of them feel good, familiar and comfortable and some of them feel bad, uncomfortable and foreign.  If changing felt good, change would be easy. 

My feelings are a reaction to what I think about what has happened

At first glance, it appears that I feel what I feel because of what happens around me.  Circumstances occur and I notice sometimes that those circumstances cause me to feel good or bad.  But when I slow things down to investigate, I realize that I have missed a step. I see that my feelings are a reaction to what I think about what has happened; what I think about what someone says or does.

The story that I tell myself about my life and what is happening in it causes the changes in the vibrations in my body (feelings).  Circumstances are reality and have no impact on my emotional state until I have thoughts, judgments and interpretations about them.  Circumstances don’t change how I feel until I make them mean something with my thoughts.

Thoughts determine what I do automatically and easily because of how they make me feel and what I do when I feel that way.   If I want to make a permanent change in my life it’s critical for me to realize;

· That if doing something new or different is uncomfortable it means that my brain is doing its job.  Its working just fine.  There is nothing wrong.

· My thoughts trigger feelings which determine my automatic and easy actions.

· That “I shouldn’t” or “can’t feel uncomfortable” are thoughts that result in resistance to the discomfort that naturally comes with change.  This resistance increases the discomfort of change.

· When doing something new or different, I can expect to feel uncomfortable.  Its normal and predictable.  As long as I can be with the discomfort without resistance, the discomfort will eventually pass and will happen less and less frequently as I practice the new habit.

· The resistance to feeling anything is what creates suffering.   If I can allow the discomfort of change, I can experience the discomfort as normal and predictable.  This makes change possible.

· It’s really, really hard to make changes without support.  When I am in fight or flight response, I forget all that I have learned about change.  I need the support of someone who is willing to collaborate for change with me.    It is critical that I find that support and develop that relationship before I need it.  I’m not likely to ask for support when I need it unless I establish it when I don’t need it.

Are you getting what you want in life?

What are you getting in life?  Is it what you want?  A couple of years ago, I was scrolling through my podcast app on my smart phone, looking for a new podcast to listen to while running.   I searched for Life Coaches because I wanted to hear from other coaches - their thoughts, methods, ideas, tools, etc.  I found a podcast called, "The Life Coach School" and downloaded episode #1.    I wasn't even 1/2 mile into my run before I heard the creator of the podcast, Master Coach Brooke Castillo describe what I had been teaching for years.  She called it "The Model".        After initially being disappointed that it wasn't my original idea, I got excited, realizing that someone else recognized the value of these ideas. Since then I have listened to over 100 of her podcasts and have integrated much of what Brooke teaches into my coaching.   Today, while going through my emails, I found an article that I wrote back in 2012 called, "What are you getting in life?  Is it what you want?"   Here is the article:     The Life Coaching that I do is based on the concept that what we get in life is determined by what we believe about life and the world that we live in.  So our ability to change what we get in life depends on changing our beliefs. Beliefs  >   Life You may argue that what we get in life is a direct result of our actions.  I don’t disagree.  If this is true, then we should be able to change what we do to alter what we get.  I’ve had some experience with that.  How about you?  Ever wonder why life just seems to keep serving up the same stuff?  Maybe it’s because we keep doing what we do. Actions   >  Life But what determines the actions that we take or avoid?  In other words, why do we do what we do?  What if we do what we do because we feel what we feel?  I feel good, I want to continue to feel good, so I take actions to achieve that.  I feel bad, I want to feel better.  So I take actions to achieve that.  This constant adjusting is like driving a car.  We never hold the steering wheel rigidly.   In order to keep the car on the road, we must continuously make adjustments.  In order to continue to feel good, we must adjust what we do. Feelings  >   Actions  >   Life So why do we feel what we feel?  Is it because of the actions that we take?  It sure looks like it doesn’t it?  But these modifications to feeling and doing are almost always temporary.  It is very difficult to change what we get in life if we are constantly trying to change how we feel by the actions we take.  In fact, all of this effort just wears us out!  I assert that my thoughts determine my feelings.  My story to explain what I experience determines what I feel in association with that experience.  If this is true, then I should be able to change what I think to change how I feel so that I will take different actions and get a better life. Thoughts >   Feelings >   Actions  >  Life Okay.  So far so good.  But why do we think what we think?  My best guess is that it is because of what we believe.  Our beliefs are like powerful magnets that attract only those thoughts that support those beliefs. Beliefs attract supporting thoughts So if we want to change our thoughts, we must change our beliefs.  Easy, right?  Not so much.  Our beliefs have been with us a long time.  In fact, according to Bruce Lipton, cell biologist and author of “The Biology of Belief” our belief systems are fully downloaded by the time we are six years old.  That means that, unless you have figured out a way to reprogram yourself, you are operating on the belief system of a first grader! This is, essentially "The Model" of Brooke Castillo. Although Brooke leaves beliefs out and groups them with thoughts.  A belief is a thought that we think over and over because it makes the most sense to us.  Once we have thought a particular thought long enough, it becomes so believable that it seems like the truth. The other thing that Brooke does with her model is starts it out with C for Circumstances.  We have no control over circumstances but spend so much time trying to control them so that we can get different results.  As Byron Katie would say, "Hopeless"! One of the first questions that I get after talking about The Model is, "How do you change a belief"?   What a great question!  There are many ways.  The methods that I prefer involve questioning the current belief, and identifying a new one that will produce the results that you want.   For more on "The Model" check out www.TheLifeCoachSchool.com and listen from podcast #1.

Who Needs a Coach?

On any Sunday during the NFL season, the camera is on the coach on the sidelines as much as it is on any player.  Seahawks fans have an image of Pete Carroll pumping his fists and chomping furiously on a piece of gum, slapping the behinds of players coming off the field, getting in the faces of the players who fell short and campaigning on his team’s behalf with the officials.

Pete is the head coach for the Seattle Seahawks.  His efforts have turned the Seahawks franchise around in a few short years.  From a fan’s perspective, our lives of dashed hopes and frustrations played out on the television screen each Sunday for years.  But recently, thanks to a collaborative effort on the part of ownership, management, players and fans, Pete’s vision has become a reality and we (loyal Seahawks fans) have all begun to think of ourselves as winners.

Whether it is the Seahawks, the Mariners, or the Gonzaga Bulldogs, I ride the emotional roller coaster as I cheer for my favorite teams.  I joke with my wife that I’m struggling with my self-esteem when my team loses (Seattle Mariners) and that I’m feeling pretty good about myself when they win (Seahawks and Bulldogs).  While it’s humorous to have fun with this, there is also some truth.  That is probably what being a fan is really all about.

You see, I don’t actually play the games.  I don’t really win or lose.  I’m not really on the team even though there is a flag just for me and all of you other “12^th men” and women.  But it sure feels like I’m out there on the field or on the court when I’m watching the game.  I feel the thrill and the agony as if I’m in the game.  But…I’m still just watching the game.  I’m not even on the bench hoping to get in the game.

Then there’s my real life.  The game goes on whether I am on the bench, in the stands or on the field of play.  Most of us play the game of our lives unconsciously.  It’s not until we start playing on purpose that we can consistently “win” in life. 

What does it mean to win in life?  And what does it mean to live consciously?  It may be that winning is synonymous with success.  We must all determine what it means to win or to have success.  Whatever that is for each of us, there will be victories and defeats.  

Consider that we can’t really own our victories unless we are on the field playing the game.  Being on the field means living our lives with intention and full participation.    And unless we can own our victories, there is no real power in them.

To be on the field in life means playing the game consciously, on purpose.  To be in the stands means watching the game play out with no intention to ever actually play the game.  To be on the bench of our own lives means waiting for just the right time to enter the game  but not actually playing the game any more than the spectator in the stands.

These are our lives!  Life is short (if you don’t believe me, take a slow look in the mirror) and we get one shot at living it (reincarnation and afterlife aside).  Why would we stay on the bench or in the stands?  There’s really only one reason.  Fear.

Okay, you say.  That sounds right.  So now I will come down out of the stands or get off the bench and get into the game.  Fear won’t stop me.   I’m in it to win it! 

And then fear stops you again.  You’re trying to play a game you forgot how to play.  When did you stop playing?  What could you do if you played on purpose?   What if you could design your own game?  What if you could make up your own rules?  What if you knew you couldn’t really lose? 

And here’s the pitch.  What if you had a coach who believed in you even if you didn’t until you could?  What if your coach could show you what it would take to succeed?  What if you could play the game without fear?  Then what would be possible? 

Who needs a life coach?  Only those who forgot how to play the game and are tired of sitting on the bench or in the stands.  Do you want to come play?  Team tryouts are now.  Call me for a possibility conversation.   You have a game worth playing.  You wanna play?

Life Happens As It Does

My journey has walked me through much of the self-loathing that was the result of my actions and self judgment.  I am intimately familiar with hating my own guts. My experience has been that old habits die to new habits.

But how do I change a habit? How do I kill the old habit and replace it with a new habit? The following is my most current theory to explain how it works.

There has been a tremendous amount of research done on the brain, on the subconscious and the conscious, especially over the past 15 years. My watered down version of the research is that by the time we are 7 or 8 years old, the subconscious has been programmed. And unless and until that programming has been examined and re-decisioned as adults, we walk around in life reacting to life from decisions we made before we were 9 years old about who we are and about our relationship to the rest of the world.

There are endless calibrations comparing the difference between the conscious and subconscious.  I read once that the subconscious brain processes 2,000,000 bits of information at any one time. The conscious brain is capable of processing about 2000 bits of information at any time. This comparison is probably not completely accurate but it certainly makes the point.  The Reticular Activating System sorts out which 2000 bits to pay attention to with the conscious brain. The subconscious brain handles all of the rest of it with those decisions we made in early life or with re-decisions (which are at the core of new habits) that we have made as adults since then. (take a look at this 4 minute video https://youtu.be/QCnfAzAIhVw)

If I decide I’m not worthy of love, or that I’m not good enough, or that something is wrong with me, then my view of life gets filtered through these decisions.
 
Let’s say I get picked last on the playground kickball team. Why was I picked last? It could be that I was the new kid in the class and nobody knew me. Or it could be that nobody had ever seen what an awesome kickballer I was. It could be that I’m a crappy kickballer. It could be that the team pickers didn’t like me. Why I got picked last could be explained by any of a million different theories. What is important is what I made it mean when I got picked last . If I made it mean that nobody likes me, I’ve decided that this is the most likely explanation among all of the possible explanations. It would take a pretty enlightened 7 year old to get picked last on the kickball team and to not make it mean something.

Most of us would attach meaning to the experience. That’s what human beings do. Let’s stay with “nobody likes me” as the theory we have picked to explain getting picked last. Since we have already decided who we are by the time we are 7, “nobody likes me” would already be the default explanation for much of what does and does not happen in life. So “nobody likes me” as an explanation for getting picked last wouldn’t really even be a decision. Because by then, “nobody likes me” is a well-worn and proven theory. From the moment we first used this theory as a way to explain what happened that shouldn’t have or what didn’t happen that should have, our view of life changed.

We began to view life through the filter, “nobody likes me” and everything that happened from then on provided evidence that the theory was accurate. If I wear green hued glasses, everything has a green hue. If I wear a “nobody likes me” filter, it looks evident that nobody likes me. Very soon I forget that I am wearing glasses. Very soon I forget that “nobody likes me” was just a possible explanation that I chose among all of the options that occurred to me so that I could explain what did or didn’t happen.

I believe that early childhood trauma, whether real or imagined, such as being abused, mistreated, neglected or abandoned makes the need to explain what is happening or not happening a matter of survival. Research has also shown that experiences that are charged with emotion tend to be the automatic go-to memories that influence how we react to our present experiences. When we perceive that our survival is threatened, our bodies are flooded with powerful chemicals that enable us to defend ourselves, to escape, or to play dead. (Fight, flight or freeze) We experience this cascade of chemicals as emotions. Eventually, just like an alcoholic or a drug addict, we become addicted to the chemicals that our bodies produce when activated by our perceptions. (for more on this, watch the movie “What the Bleep do We Know”)

In this way, our most current theories to explain who we are and what happens in our lives produce results that are predictable, automatic and very limiting. And for most of us, those theories spin completely undetected in our minds. All of our habits are in support of and as the result of these theories. Have you ever tried to change a habit only to fail again and again?

We get what we get in life because of the actions that we take. We do what we do because of the emotions that we experience. When the emotions are comfortable, we take different actions than we take when the emotions are uncomfortable. The emotions we experience are responses to thoughts that we hold as true. And we hold thoughts as true if they support what we already believe, our most current theories.

To change a habit, I must also change the theory that supports the habit. To consciously change the theory, I have to know what the theory is. Because the theory is automatic and hidden (part of that 2,000,000 bits that the subconscious handles at any one time), it’s not easy to detect.

So here is another part of my most current theory,

The more closely my beliefs (my favorite theories) align with what is true (reality) the more I experience peace and clarity. With reality aligned thinking I have begun to experience self-love and humble confidence.

When my beliefs are not aligned with what is true, when they argue with reality, as Byron Katie says, I suffer and create suffering for those who are close to me. My internal life is like a tossing, turbulent sea. I am confused and unsettled. It’s easy to blame others or to blame myself. I am filled with self-doubt. Trust is impossible.

But the great thing about suffering is that it can help us to detect our theories. The symptoms of suffering are the bread crumbs leading back to the theory that is causing the suffering. If we are not able or willing to examine our theories, then it seems ridiculous to consider that our thinking is causing the suffering. It seems apparent that our suffering is the result of what is happening “out there”. But as most of us have learned by now, trying to change what happens out there is futile and exhausting.  Is it easier to carpet the planet or to buy a new pair of sandals?  I can’t remember where I read or heard this but I like it.

Once I have detected the theory, I can reconsider its validity. And if I am able to be honest, if I am willing to let go of my most current theory, I may be able to see that my best guess to explain what was happening or not happening so many years ago simply was not accurate. Or, at the very least, the explanation is no longer relevant in my life. And when I have seen that for myself, clarity and relief are the result. What was previously impossible is now possible because I can now see what I was previously blind to. Without my theory, the 2,000 bits of data that my conscious mind focuses on transforms. I can see what my old theory would not allow me to see. I can see reality.

“Life doesn’t happen as it should. Life doesn’t happen as is shouldn’t. Life happens as it does.” Tracy Goss

Life Happens For Me

Life Happens For Me

Decisions.  We all make them – lots of them- every day. 

Some are minor and appear to be inconsequential.  Coffee?  No Coffee?  What to wear?  Can I do one more thing before I leave?  Is it okey to be late for this appointment?  Should I return that call? 

Other decisions seem more important.  Ask her to marry me?   Lie or tell the truth?  Should I take that job?  Should I quit?  Sell the house?  Go to college?  Start a business?

Consider that many of these decisions, maybe even most of them are made automatically.  What determines the difference between the decision I make in a situation and the decision you would make in the same situation has a lot to do with how we each view life.

While this is a complex concept, let’s keep it really simple.  Life’s experience has shown me that there are three lenses through which we might view life.  We all have a dominant default lens but we periodically switch and temporarily view life through either of the other two perspectives.

I label these lenses or paradigms,

1.       Life happens BECAUSE of me.

2.       Life happens TO me.

3.       Life happens FOR me.

Life Happens BECAUSE of Me

Life viewed through this lens looks like something to control.  If I view life through this paradigm, I work hard, I use strategies and tactics and try to dominate others and situations.   People are pawns to be moved around on the game board and tools to leverage for power and results.  I am the center of the universe.  I am manipulative, domineering and driven.  The cost of living from this view is friendship, connection, closeness and intimacy.  I may often enjoy material success and financial gain, but have inner turmoil and rarely experience real contentment or satisfaction.   Believing that life happens because of me limits the possibilities in life to whatever I can force to happen.

Life Happens To Me

This view is that of a victim.  Through this lens I live life powerlessly.  Life appears to be a game of chance subject to superstition and luck.  When things go wrong as I expect them to, I blame others.  When things go right, I feel lucky and brace myself for the let down to avoid feeling disappointed.   I feel out of control and believe I have no say in what happens.  I am scared and paranoid and organize my life in such a way as to be safe.  I am cautious and careful.  I don’t trust anyone.  I limit my risks but life cannot get small enough to feel safe from this perspective.  The price I pay for this paradigm is peace, comfort, a sense of power or well-being.  I feel hopeless, resentful and afraid.  Believing life happens to me eliminates any possibility for a fulfilled and happy life. 

Life Happens For Me

From this perspective life looks like a series of opportunities and fun mysteries.   Everything that happens is welcomed and embraced.  If I believe that life happens for me I’m like a kid in a candy store, enjoying life as it presents one big adventure after another.  There is only benefit to this perspective.  Others either find me attractive, seeing me as charismatic and vivacious, or they see me as naive and unaware of reality and the dangers that lurk in life.  What is possible from this perspective is anything.   Even my wildest dreams.

So what prevents us from the view, Life Happens For Me? 

We live with fears that we made up along the way at some point.   These fears are the natural result of believing thoughts that simply are not true.  Most of our programming is complete by the time we are 7 or 8 years old.   By then most of us have decided that there must be something wrong with us because we just don’t match up to the perfect ideal that the world calls normal.  We think that what we fear is real; that our fears are the truth. 

We live life as if these and other fears are real: “I’m not good enough, smart enough, tall enough, short enough, cute enough, funny enough, tough enough, something is wrong with me, I am alone, it’s all up to me, I can’t trust anyone, I’m a fraud, I’m going to fail, I will be rejected…”  The list is endless.

How do you transform these fears so that you can live life from the perspective, Life Happens For Me?

Here are Seven disciplines to live by which will help you realize that Life actually does Happen For You.

1.       Heal the past when the past shows up as unhealed.  You may have to develop the ability to spot the unhealed past which shows up as emotional upset, repeated patterns of struggle and disappointment, stuckness, co-dependent stickiness, physical illness, exhaustion, irritation, periods of depression, uncontrolled periods of anger or sadness.   And you will certainly have to be humble enough and committed enough to your transformation to seek help when the unhealed past shows up.  The unhealed mind identifies with itself and is confused.  It has no interest in healing the past.  It is too busy trying to survive.

2.       Expose the false fears.  Most of your fears are false.   You will find these fears at the bottom of practically every problem you experience.   Look for them there and when you find them, expose them to reality and they will shrink and die.

3.       Recognize who you really are.  Our fears have us believing that we are broken and unlovable.  Realize (make it real) that you are one of God’s kids, or a child of the Universe if you prefer.  You landed on this planet as whole, perfect, complete and amazing!

4.       Create a compelling and inspired vision for the life that you would be living if you knew you were whole, perfect, complete and amazing.  Commit that vision to paper and review it often.

5.       Live life now powerfully into that vision.   What actions would someone who will be living that vision take now?  Take those actions, make a plan, set goals and be flexible.  Life might just show you a new vision and a new plan along the way.

6.       Trust Life.  Start looking for evidence that life is serving you.  Keep a miracles journal.  Look for at least one example every day that Life Happens For You. 

7.       Serve Others.  If Life Happens For You, that means that life is serving you.  To get into the flow of life, serve others.  Build a powerful current of service and enjoy the ride!