Why is it so Hard to Change?

This is what I understand so far about the challenge of change.   As you read this, I suggest that you use your skepticism and do your own research to see if what I have been learning is accurate.   Also, check it against what you understand to see if it matches.   I don’t represent any of this as the truth, factual or scientific.

I do experiments in my own life (I think most of us do) but they aren’t controlled and don’t follow any strict scientific rules or processes.  I just love to read and learn and to apply what I read and learn to my own life to see if and how it works.

So please read this lightly and see if there is any value for you in the ideas.  Don’t believe me.  Check it out for yourself.

Habits, both good and bad, become habits when we do something over and over until our “animal” or unconscious brain recognizes the pattern and takes over gradually from our “human” or conscious brain (the prefrontal cortex).   The animal brain is similar to the brain that other animals have.  Part of its job is to improve our chances of survival by being efficient.  This part of the brain doesn’t have the ability to question or to be logical.  It just follows the programming or beliefs that we have assumed.

The conscious, human part of the brain gives us the ability to think about what we think about and to choose, plan, learn new things and focus.

If something happens that the animal part of our brain doesn’t recognize, there is an automatic survival response that sends all necessary resources to those parts of the body that need those resources to survive.   The animal brain recognizes things that are new and unfamiliar as threats and immediately shuts down higher functions and higher thinking like planning, learning, creating and wisdom to focus on how to survive the threat (perceived or real).

The body releases chemicals such as adrenalin, norepinephrine and cortisol so that we can run, fight or in some cases, play dead.

So what does any of this have to do with why it so hard to change?   Habits help us to become efficient.  When we try to change a habit, the new behavior is unfamiliar and we immediately feel uncomfortable because the animal part of our brain doesn’t recognize the pattern and perceives a threat.  But the longer we can keep up the changed behavior, the more comfortable the animal brain gets with the new behavior until the new behavior becomes automatic.  In this way we can form a new habit to replace a bad habit.

My Story

One of the best examples of this in my life is my old habit of drinking alcohol.   By the time I was 27 years old, drinking alcohol was a daily habit.   There was trouble in my marriage.   My wife had begun to associate with her new boss and his wife.   He had been a sober member of AA (aa.org) for 2 ½ years at that time and his wife had been a member of Alanon (al-anon.org).   My wife was beginning to realize that my drinking and the things that she did to compensate for my drinking were not normal, healthy or optimal for her happiness and the harmony of our family.

So I decided to stop drinking but found that it was really hard to do.  This confused me because I didn’t think I had a problem and I certainly didn’t think that I was addicted to alcohol.  My animal brain had recognized my daily drinking as a pattern years before and had made it automatic – made it a habit.  The most efficient thing for me to do was to drink alcohol every day.   What would have been highly inefficient would have been to use my human (conscious) brain to decide every day whether or not to drink alcohol.  

The first few weeks without a drink were very uncomfortable.   I experienced both physical and mental withdrawals because I was changing my behavior.  The only thing I knew to do to relieve this kind of discomfort was to drink more alcohol.  Fortunately, I had the support of AA and was beginning to form the new habit of being sober.  So since November 15, 1982, I haven’t practiced the alcohol drinking habit.  No need to knock on wood.  It wasn’t luck, fortune, weakness or morality that formed my drinking habit or my sobriety habit.   I was able to stop drinking because I didn’t put alcohol in my body long enough to create a new habit. 

Without alcohol in my life, an endless number of mental habits have been exposed.   I have gone through the same process to change those mental habits, one at a time.

My Brain is Doing What My Brain is Supposed to Do

I’m still learning about how this works in my life.   What is profoundly evident is that if I have formed a habit it just means that my brain is working the way it supposed to work.   And if I try to change a habit and my brain kicks into fight or flight, then that also means my brain is working the way it is supposed to work.   It’s just trying to be efficient so that I can survive.  There is nothing wrong.  The brain is doing its job.

To change behavior; to change a habit, I must consistently engage in the new behavior while disengaging from the old behavior. Since my automatic actions are the result of my feelings (I do what I do because I feel what I feel), it’s critical to manage my feelings.   Think of feelings as changes in the vibrations in my body.  Some of them feel good, familiar and comfortable and some of them feel bad, uncomfortable and foreign.  If changing felt good, change would be easy. 

My feelings are a reaction to what I think about what has happened

At first glance, it appears that I feel what I feel because of what happens around me.  Circumstances occur and I notice sometimes that those circumstances cause me to feel good or bad.  But when I slow things down to investigate, I realize that I have missed a step. I see that my feelings are a reaction to what I think about what has happened; what I think about what someone says or does.

The story that I tell myself about my life and what is happening in it causes the changes in the vibrations in my body (feelings).  Circumstances are reality and have no impact on my emotional state until I have thoughts, judgments and interpretations about them.  Circumstances don’t change how I feel until I make them mean something with my thoughts.

Thoughts determine what I do automatically and easily because of how they make me feel and what I do when I feel that way.   If I want to make a permanent change in my life it’s critical for me to realize;

· That if doing something new or different is uncomfortable it means that my brain is doing its job.  Its working just fine.  There is nothing wrong.

· My thoughts trigger feelings which determine my automatic and easy actions.

· That “I shouldn’t” or “can’t feel uncomfortable” are thoughts that result in resistance to the discomfort that naturally comes with change.  This resistance increases the discomfort of change.

· When doing something new or different, I can expect to feel uncomfortable.  Its normal and predictable.  As long as I can be with the discomfort without resistance, the discomfort will eventually pass and will happen less and less frequently as I practice the new habit.

· The resistance to feeling anything is what creates suffering.   If I can allow the discomfort of change, I can experience the discomfort as normal and predictable.  This makes change possible.

· It’s really, really hard to make changes without support.  When I am in fight or flight response, I forget all that I have learned about change.  I need the support of someone who is willing to collaborate for change with me.    It is critical that I find that support and develop that relationship before I need it.  I’m not likely to ask for support when I need it unless I establish it when I don’t need it.