You were raised in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family You are attracted to dysfunctional partners You are recovering from addiction for at least 3 months You feel like a fraud You are afraid to just be yourself You are insecure in your love relationships You’re afraid that who you really are isn’t enough You work hard to overcome who you’re afraid you are You justify being dishonest In the game you play, you’re always playing from behind You feel powerless much of the time Risks are too risky and anything out of the norm is a risk You are performing your life rather than living it You are afraid of most people It seems like life is happening to you You have little or no capacity for additional stress or drama You have been criticized as too sensitive You experienced childhood trauma You are constantly seeking validation, approval and acceptance You see compliments as manipulative Any attention is too much or not enough You compare your life to the lives you see on social media and always come up short You post the life you wish you had on social media You’re stuck in a job you hate What is comfort? Criticism gets in you and hurts You’re stuck in a relationship you hate You settle for a life that is as good as you believe you deserve. You are apathetic about your life You feel judged, disregarded, disrespected or discounted You’re afraid to acknowledge the struggle You live in fear of rejection, abandonment, conflict or criticism If you can find yourself in this list, If you are willing to do the work required to permanently heal and change, and If you are ready to accept help let’s talk. It’s not a fluke that I work with people like you. I created this list from my own experience. I was raised in an oppressive religious family with violent alcoholic parents. I became frightened of people and constantly feared criticism. I learned to perform in school and at work. I lived an automatic life completely unaware of my own power and responsibility. My own journey has provided a deep level of recovery from my own addictions, trauma and survival strategies. Now I work with clients who have had similar life challenges so they can move beyond enduring, tolerating and surviving to lives of clarity, purpose and joy. My coaching philosophy We were all born whole perfect and complete. We are born completely dependent on caretakers for our comfort and survival. At some point, we experience feelings of powerlessness, helplessness and hopelessness when our needs are not met right away, when feeling threatened and defenseless, or when our survival is at risk. For an infant or child, when something happens, they think it happens because of them. To endure unbearable powerlessness, children look to themselves as the cause of the discomfort. Perceiving themselves as the cause of the problem, children conclude there is something about who they are or what they have done that they can change. If only they were different or better, the problem could be avoided. The moment this idea is accepted as the solution to the pain, a new identity is born for the child. I call that identity the Shame Self. The shame of who we believe we are must be kept a secret. If the world were to find out what we have just learned, we would be abandoned; left alone with no one to care for us. We immediately begin to employ strategies to hide or overcome who we decided we are. I refer to who we try to be; who we try to convince the world we are, as the False Self. Children become young adults and these identities only become stronger. Young adults become adults. Adults become parents, coworkers, friends, leaders, followers, and spouses. Getting older without healing the Shame and False Identities and recovering our True Selves creates a world of Adult Children. Adult children who have become even more convinced that they are what they decided was wrong with them. Who have gotten better with more complex strategies for overcoming and hiding who they are afraid they are. Adult children pretending to be mature adults and making the same mistakes their parents made. I help my clients to recover their True Self. As our True Selves, we are capable of joy, love, truth, compassion, creativity, wisdom, courage and so much more. How do I help my clients recover their True Selves? In my coaching, clients are introduced to their internal Family System made up of “parts” which influence them to think, feel and react to life when they are activated. These parts create a lens that effects how circumstances of life are perceived. Using the IFS model, internal healing and balance is achieved. The results happen quickly and the healing is permanent. IFS has worked for me and it works for my clients. About Me I tried to create a sense of value and worth by working hard, being thoughtful, being smart and being nice. I tried to feel a part of the crowd by doing what the crowd did. I felt like a fraud. I used cannabis, nicotine, work and alcohol to cope with an unfulfilled life. I was insecure and didn’t trust my wife to be faithful despite a total absence of evidence that she couldn’t be trusted. I almost drove her away with my strategies for preventing her from abandoning me. When I thought she was about to take the kids and leave me, I stopped the cannabis and alcohol and began attending 12 step meetings. Almost immediately, the 12 step social scene became my addiction with up to 3 meetings a day and meetings after the meetings. She liked me better when I was drinking. I stayed sober. I didn’t drink. I was lost, confused, frightened, angry and upset most of the time. I became even more insecure. Eventually my wife died of a brain tumor when I was 7 years sober and left me with our two children, 8 and 9 years old. Life was happening to me. I remained abstinent during her illness and after her death but found another addiction to help put a cushion between me and my pain. I created crazy, addictive, codependent relationships with half a dozen women – most of whom I had met in 12 step meetings over the next 2 years. My two children had just lost their mom and were now watching me usher these strange women in and out of their lives. I expected abstinence and the steps to make it all better. I worked the program to the best of my willingness and ability but continued to struggle and suffer. Two years after my first wife died I married my second wife in a last-ditch effort to interrupt the insane dramatic cycle of new relationships. We had a daughter and built a house together. Like the other women I had gotten involved with, my second wife was in and out of recovery for addiction. We tried our best but only managed to make each other miserable for 8 ½ years before I ended the marriage. Afraid that I may just resume my addiction to relationships, I committed to working on myself and stayed single for 13 years. During that time, I discovered The Work of Byron Katie, Landmark Education, Life Coaching and Internal Family Systems Therapy. In 2013 I remarried for the last time. Thanks to the deep and lasting healing work that I had done to that point, I found someone who is as kind and sane as I had become. We have been together since 2011 and enjoy a happy, healthy and authentic life together. I began my coaching career in 2011 after hiring my first life coach, Carlos Jones. Carlos told me how he had been trained to be a life coach and I followed his path by completing a one year life coach training program in 2016. In 2019, with the support and urging of my therapist, I was accepted into a one year training to become an Internal Family Systems Practitioner. I completed Level 1 IFS training in June of 2020 and completed Level 2 the same year. I am now in the process of becoming a Certified IFS Practitioner.

 The Core Belief Log

One of the tools I use with my clients is called the Core Belief Log.  When, during our coaching a belief is uncovered, I ask my clients to record the belief in the Core Belief Log.

Noticing our beliefs and logging them is important because…

1. Beliefs are subconscious and automatic
2. Beliefs form the lens through which we view the circumstances of our lives.
3. Until our beliefs change, we won’t be able to sustain changes in how we feel, what we think, and how we react to the circumstances of our lives.
4. How we see, feel about, think about and react to life determines the quality of our lives.
5. Logging beliefs and measuring them provides motivating empirical evidence that the hard work of deliberate change is working.

A belief can change suddenly or gradually.  The internal work required to deliberately change a belief requires intention and persistence.  It’s easy to give up and stop doing that work if we don’t know we’re making progress.

Beliefs are subconscious and automatic

Let’s draw a distinction between thoughts and beliefs. A belief is a thought that has become a habit. Habits live in the unconscious and make any behavior, feeling or thought automatic.  Think of someone who you love.  When that person comes to mind, you automatically feel and act a certain way. Think of someone you resent. When that person comes to mind, you automatically feel and act a certain way.  In both cases, you repeated thoughts and feelings about, and reactions to each of these people long enough and often enough that the brain noticed the pattern and turned it into a habit.  hat is why beliefs feel like they are true.

Beliefs are accessible if you go looking for them, but you must know where to look. Thoughts are easily accessible because they are conscious. You may be under the impression that you think your thoughts.  But consider that it may be more accurate to say that you notice them. We only think thoughts that support what we already believe until we begin to challenge those thoughts and the beliefs that generate them.

Beliefs form the lens through which we view the circumstances of our lives.

I like to tell the story of the 35-year old man who believes he is unattractive to women. One day, as he walks through the mall, he spots a beautiful woman. The two make eye contact and she immediately looks away. Because he believes he is unattractive, the first thoughts that come to mind are, “She thinks I’m ugly. She doesn’t want to attract the attention of someone she isn’t attracted to.”  He feels shame and sadness and stares at the floor in front of him.

But if he believed he was God’s gift to women the entire experience would change for him. The circumstance remains the same but his reaction to it is dramatically different.  She looks away and he immediately thinks, “Poor woman, she doesn’t know how attractive she is. She is obviously intimidated by me. Maybe she’s embarrassed to show her interest in me.”  He feels compassion for the woman and love for himself as he walks through the mall with his head held high.

Our beliefs determine how we see the circumstances of our lives.  While it appears that those same circumstances are the cause of our thoughts, feelings and reactions, they are only the triggers. The circumstances of our lives provide the content and our beliefs provide the context.

Sustainable change is possible when beliefs change

Think of something you would like to change about yourself.  Would you like more sleep, time, love or money?  Would you like less debt, conflict, depression, or anxiety?

Think of changing something about yourself in terms of a formula.

If Results = Circumstances + Reaction

And Reaction = Circumstances + Feeling

And Feeling = Circumstances + Thought

And Thought = Circumstances + Belief

Then, Results = Circumstance + Belief

Until our beliefs change, we won’t be able to sustain changes in how we feel, what we think, and how we react to the circumstances of our lives.

You can try to change how you react when you’re around that person you fear or resent. But as long as the fear or resentment is present, you will have to use up your limited supply of will power to react as you wish to. This change is unsustainable. Eventually you will run out of will power and your reaction will return to its authentic and default state.

How we see, think about, feel about and react to life determines the quality of our lives

How we see life is determined by what we believe about what we are seeing. Our thoughts about our lives are determined by those same beliefs. How we feel in the circumstances of our lives is determined by our thoughts about those circumstances. Our reactions to those circumstances are motivated by how we feel about them.

Quality of life = quality of thoughts, feelings and reactions to the circumstances of our lives.

A quality thought is a thought that reflects the facts, reality.

All feelings are valid. But quality feelings come from quality thoughts and enable us to respond to circumstances as the best version of ourselves.

Quality responses (rather than impaired reactions) bring about a quality life.

Deliberate and intentional change can be hard work

And it’s easy to give up when we don’t see immediate results.

But be patient and log your progress using the Core Belief Log. Here’s how to use it.

Get a notebook and designate it as your Core Belief Log. When you discover a belief, record it in the Core Belief Log.  For example, you get upset when a refund arrives but is about half of what you expected. You do some internal work using The Work of Byron Katie and discover that you believe you can’t trust anyone.

Enter the disempowering belief along with the date of discovery and a believability rating.  On a scale of 1 – 10 if 1 is not believable at all and 10 feels like the truth, how much do you believe it? Then, identify and enter an empowering belief to replace the disempowering belief.

After several months, look back at your Core Belief Log, enter the date and see if the believability rating has changed.

If you have continued to do your personal development /mindset work, your disempowering beliefs will be less believable, and your empowering beliefs will be more believable.

Using this tool, you can change your beliefs.  As your beliefs change, so will your thoughts, feelings, actions and results.