The Complaint Habit

I attended a presentation by Soraya Morgan whose company, Brand Launcher (www.brandlauncher.com) was hired to open the morning portion of a rally for a new startup networking company.

Soraya talked about change and in her presentation handed out rubber bands.  She asked each participant to wear the rubber band on a wrist and to make a commitment to switch the rubber band to the other wrist any time they caught themselves complaining.

This, I think is a great idea.  If someone were to get into the habit of changing that rubber band to the other wrist each time they complained, it would increase awareness of the frequency of complaint.  And with a commitment to stop complaining, this useless habit could be changed.

I’m interested in why complaining becomes a habit in the first place.   A habit is formed when the brain recognizes a pattern and then makes the pattern automatic.   Since the job of the brain is to survive, and since the conscious brain has a limited capacity for processing data, sending the pattern to the subconscious is very efficient.  An efficient brain has a much better chance to survive.

So the complaint habit had to start from a pattern that the brain recognized.  

Have you spent much time around kids?   Do they complain?  In my experience, they complain.  A lot.  In fact, the complaint habit is probably one of the first ones formed.  Up until the age of 7 or 8, children are very dependent.   Without support from an adult provider, most children would not survive.  The role that the child plays in their own survival is to make requests for their wants.  

One of Google’s definitions of complaint is “the expression of dissatisfaction”.

So, for a dependent child, complaint is a matter of survival.   Complaint, demand and blame are the tools of the dependent who is reliant upon the willingness of a provider to remedy their dissatisfaction.

Now we begin to see the problem with complaint.  As adults, we wish to be independent (self-governing, autonomous, self-regulating, free, liberated).  Independence requires a person to be 100% responsible for their own satisfaction.  Retreat into complaint is regression into dependence.

I challenge you to refrain from indulging your complaint habit.  You may notice that without complaint, you are left with the responsibility for your own satisfaction.   You may be surprised to find that you are fully capable of providing your own satisfaction.   

In his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg states that a habit has a cue, a routine and a reward.  The cue for the complaint habit is dissatisfaction.  The routine is to complain.  Originally the reward was a shift from dissatisfaction to satisfaction.  This cue, routine and reward is a formula for survival in an infant or small child.  In an adult relationship, however, this habit is a formula for disaster.   When one person complains and the other person acts to remedy the complaint, dependence is formed.  In codependent relationships, both parties complain and both parties react to the complaints of the other.  These codependent relationships lead to resentment, blame, dysfunction and unhappiness. 

Complaint says someone else “should” take care of me.   In the absence of complaint, one is left with 100% responsibility.   With complaint, disempowered.  Without complaint, empowered. 

Please pass me a rubber band.  I want my power back.

Must Do or Choose To

Turn your Must Do List into a Choose to List

It may seem counter-productive to slow down long enough to read an article about being more productive. And even ludicrous to consider that your thinking might have something to do with your productivity.

Especially if your solution for every challenge is to work harder and longer.

But how much sense does it make to keep turning up the effort dial when you just keep adding more to your list of to-do's? The harder you work, the behinder you get. Exhausting!

You’ve already read this far, so indulge me at the risk of wasting just a few more minutes.

What are the top 6 projects that aren’t getting done?
For each project, answer these questions:

1. What is the benefit of getting this project done? If there is little or no benefit to completing the project, why are you doing it? Take it off your list. No need to continue with these questions. As long as you have honestly identified the value of completing the project, move on to question 2.

2. What is it costing you to have this project incomplete? If there is no cost in having the project incomplete, should it even be on your list? See question 1. But if it's costing you too much to leave it incomplete, proceed to question 3.

3. What are the steps to getting this done? Write down everything that will need to happen to complete the project. Then put these in order.

4. By when will you take each of these steps? Give yourself a deadline for each step.

5. By when will you complete this project? Give yourself a deadline for the project.

6. Don’t keep this a secret. Tell someone what you are up to. Who will you ask to hold you accountable to these commitments?

Now you have a plan and accountability. Review your plan every day to support your success and overcome your resistance to taking actions?

If you will take the time to do this for each of your top projects, you wil become far more clear about the true value and importance of these projects. This clarity will provide you with the internal motivation and energy needed to take purposeful action. And rather than feeling burdened by a list of what you must do, you will have a sense of purpose as you take the actions toward success.

My Trip from Hell

If it turns out there really is a hell, I think it will look a lot like the life I was living about 15 years ago.  Fortunately, I don't live there any more.

I have successfully transformed over the past 15 years or so as the result of doing mindset work. I struggled with jobs, with relationships, with parenting, with money, with self-esteem, with faith, with judgment and mostly with fear. My opinion of myself was dependent upon the opinion of those closest to me. 15 years ago I was a mess. I had already been sober and clean for 20 years at that time. But was recently divorced and in a new career as a mortgage loan officer.

I blamed myself and I blamed my second wife for my unhappiness.   I was searching for some way to feel better, to get some relief.  I didn’t consider drinking again.  I was re-engaged with my recovery program but found it lacking.  I had begun to attempt a meditation practice but couldn’t sit still.  Paying that much attention to my thoughts was driving up the anxiety.

I think it was about this time of the year in 2002 that my friend, Allen and I drove over to Seattle to check out Byron Katie at the Unity Church.   It was a profound turning point in my life.  Literally overnight, “The Work” caught fire inside of me.   I realized I had been believing every thought without question.  I had been reacting to every thought as if it were true.  No wonder I had been so hot and cold, up and down.   No wonder I blamed, felt like a victim and had no power in my life.

I struggled for a while with the idea that my judgments were causing my suffering.  I could certainly see that my suffering was making it nearly impossible to find success and happiness in life.  But I was pretty attached to my stories about why I suffered.  I was convinced – it seemed so apparent – that my suffering was directly a result of the circumstances in my life.

Slowly, I loosened my grip on that story and as I did, I began to accept that it wasn’t what was happening in my life that caused me to suffer.  It was what I thought about what was happening in my life that determined what I felt and how I reacted to life.  I began to see that I was reacting to my own perspective.

I had always resisted “positive thinking” as phony, inauthentic.  At least I was real, I would proudly think. Not like those phony people.  Soon I saw that The Work; questioning my thinking, was not about painting over rust.  I experienced an opening as I disarmed thoughts that had never been questioned.  And in that opening I found clarity, peace, power and access to wisdom.

Simply by using my own suffering as the cue to do The Work, I began to transform.  I began to see what I had never seen.  I started accepting responsibility for how I felt, what I did, and for the results I had been creating.

This transformation has not been a straight line from hell to heaven.  There have been setbacks.  For a long time, I easily fell under the spell of believing circumstances had to change to accommodate me.  It can still happen.  I still want to play victim.  I still want to indulge in the delusion that I have no power and that life is happening to me.  As strange as it seems. I still want to suffer sometimes.

And life is not heaven now but it certainly isn’t the hell that it was 15 years ago.  I have successfully transformed.  I barely recognize myself.  I get to do what I want to do.   I love what I have, I love who I am, I love who and what is in my life and am willing, when I don’t love what is, to do my work.

How to Give and Get 5-Star Referrals

How to Give and Receive 5-Star Referrals

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The decision to refer usually happens in a moment. The decision to not refer happens just as quickly. But there is an internal process that usually goes undetected leading up to that moment.
Why do you refer?
Think about the last time you gave a referral. Why did you make the referral? Most likely, you made the referral because you knew, liked and trusted the person or company you referred. You probably didn’t stop to ask yourself if you knew, liked and trusted the person or company you referred.  You just referred them.  There was simply nothing that stopped you from referring them. You were comfortable making the referral.
Why do people refer you?
When others are making referrals for products and/or services that you provide do they think of you? And do they comfortably refer you? Referring someone risks your reputation. When you receive a referral, the person who referred you did so because they knew you, trusted you, and liked you enough.  They referred you because they trusted you enough to enhance their reputation rather than tarnish it.
Do you get 5-Star Reviews?
More and more, when making a buying decision, people go to the internet for reviews. These reviews are represented with 1 to 5 stars. A 5-star review is a great testimonial about the quality of the experience that the reviewer had with the person or business they dealt with. Lower reviews can do a great deal of damage to the reputation and success of the business. Your good reputation opens doors and seals deals. 
We all judge.
When we interact with people, we are judging and being judged. Judgments are not the truth. They are the interpretations, assumptions and decisions that we make about one another. Although judgments are only opinions, they form the basis for our choices about who to do business with and who we can rely on to enhance our reputations when we refer them. Your judgments determine how you feel about someone. These judgments and feelings inform your choices and your actions.
What reputation do you have?
People form their opinions about you based on the experiences they have with you. Or they decide what is true about you based on what others say about their experiences with you. If those experiences were not positive; if the person who was having the experience with you felt at all disempowered or disappointed, your reputation has been tarnished.  This hurts your chances for repeat business. And this kills your chances of being referred. 
Receiving a referral is validation that the experience the referring person had with you was good enough to trust you with their reputation. What you do with that referral will either enhance your hard-earned reputation or hurt it.
Increase your referrals.
The best way to get referred is by providing a 5-Star Experience to everyone you interact with.  And since we attract people with similar interests and values, providing 5-Star Experiences will attract other 5-Star Experience Providers for you to send referrals to. Imagine the clients you and your referral partners will attract once you are known for providing 5-Star Experiences!
Your judgments guide your decision to refer. Judgments are thoughts. Your thoughts impact how you feel. Your feelings are your body’s way of condensing all your judgments into instant feedback.  Think again of the last time you gave a referral. Wasn’t the basis for your choice your feelings about the person or the business?  
Become a 5-Star Experience Provider.
To attract more quality referrals, become a 5-Star Experience Provider.  To do so, you must discover what people think of you and your business. But first let’s start by judging others.
The Referral Review Rating Exercise
The following are common filters used to judge one another in business. Use these filters to rate the last person you gave a referral to.   
Is trustworthy ________ Stars
Listens to the client ________ Stars
Has the same values as I do ________ Stars
Honors time commitments ________ Stars
Is knowledgeable in their area of expertise ________ Stars
Is honest about what they can and cannot do ________ Stars
Communicates clearly, honestly and accurately ________ Stars
Keeps promises and commitments ________ Stars
Sets realistic expectations ________ Stars
Treats me and clients with respect ________ Stars
OVERALL REVIEW ________ Stars
To become more aware of what you are looking for in a referral partner, repeat the Referral Review Exercise each time you refer someone. 
Now ask others to rate you. This will give you valuable information you can use to improve your chances of being referred by becoming a 5-Start Experience Provider.

This exercise was created by Bill Tierney, Success Coach.  For corporate coaching, training or speaking requests, contact Bill at 509.230.5152 or Bill@LeadershipBusinessCoaching.com

Tree Logic

To start most cars, you turn the key and the engine roars to life.  To an Amazonian tribesman, this would look like magic.  But under the hood there are hundreds of moving parts and processes working in harmony to make the successful starting of the car’s engine possible.

The turning of the key starts a series of processes that can be broken down into a logical order.  First this happens causing that to happen.  And that causes the next thing to happen.  

Tip the first in a row of dominoes and the rest will fall. Could your choices and actions be broken down as simply as this?   

Understanding the logical order of events that occur to produce your reactions in life could provide insight for transforming the results you achieve.

Circumstances seem to turn the key.  There are millions of bits of information to be perceived in any moment.  But the only ones that get our conscious attention are those that we perceive as important. When a circumstance occurs as important, it is compared to what we have already decided about similar circumstances in the past. 

What have you decided about trees for example?  Trees provide shade.  Trees have leaves.  Trees can be climbed.  Trees can be used for firewood.  Trees are beautiful.  Some trees have edible fruit.  Trees can provide lumber for building things.  Trees are tall.  Trees behave predictably.  They usually stand around harmlessly. 

Curiosity drives the accumulation of knowledge.  Once you are finished making all of your decisions about trees, you don’t have to think about trees any more.  You know about trees.  There is no more need for curiosity.  All of that “knowledge” is filed away in a box in your subconscious.  Now, most of the time you don’t even notice trees.   You don’t have to.  You’ve already figured them out.  Your conscious attention is no longer required.  Trees are neither a threat or an opportunity.  “Tree” is now a concept. 

Until one falls over and crushes your car.  Suddenly tree is no longer a word that represents all you have decided about it.  Now it is on your car and your life is affected by it.  Tree is part of a circumstance that has your attention.   In fact, you will never think of trees the same again.  Trees have leaves.  Sometimes they fall on your car.

When something happens to get your attention you react to it.  You may not be aware that you react to it.  But just as the turning key starts the car whether you understand why it starts your car or not, circumstances cause you to react.

The circumstance occurs and gets your attention.  You interpret the circumstance and automatically give it meaning based on what you have decided about similar circumstances in the past.   That interpretation occurs as thoughts and judgments about the circumstance.  Your body reacts to your thoughts and judgments.   Your body’s reaction is the physical and energetic response to the meaning you have given the circumstance.  You take action or avoid action according to how your interpretation makes you feel.   And that re-action produces results in the world. 

When this process occurs and creates undesired results, most of us try to control the circumstance.   Just as the key seems to start the car, the circumstance seems to cause the result.  But a key has no power to make anything happen until it is placed in the ignition and turned.  If the ignition were not wired to a mechanism that fires the motor, the key would have no impact.   Circumstance must be wired to meaning before they can get your attention.

Most circumstances are out of your control.  Try to stop that tree from falling on your car and see what happens.  However, the meaning or interpretation you give to a circumstance is within your control.   

By bringing attention to your interpretations of circumstances, you can change the results that you get.

• Circumstances occur.
• We attach meaning to the circumstance.
• We experience physical sensations in response to the meaning we have attached to the circumstance.
• We react to those physical sensations: we act or avoid acting based on how we feel.
• Our actions have an impact on our environment.  Results are the automatic and predictable consequence to this chain of events.

In reverse order:

• We get what we get in life.  Results happen
• because we do what we do or don’t do what we don’t do.  We act
• because we feel what we feel.  We feel
• because we think what we think.  We think
• because we believe what we believe.

Circumstances have no meaning until we give them meaning based on what we believe.  A belief is what we previously decided about something the circumstance reminds us of.

By getting curious again and taking a fresh and open look at trees we can actually experience a tree. 

 And in that moment of presence and conscious awareness, we may see with fresh eyes and an open mind what we have never seen.

The label on the box is “Tree.”   Inside the box is everything that you have decided about trees.  And this is as it should be.  That’s how your brain works.  If it didn’t work that way you would be too busy falling in love with that tree in front of you to notice the saber tooth tiger who is about to have you for dinner.   

If your career is problematic, find the box labeled, “Work” or "Career".  Open it up and get curious again.  Take a look at what you decided about work before you sealed the box and stored it away in your subconscious. Use your curiosity to take a fresh look.  Before you seal the box back up, be sure that you get rid of anything that isn’t true and accurate.

If what you have decided about “work” or “money” or “marriage” or any other box in your storage unit has you reacting in a way that produces problematic results, it’s time to get curious again.  Make sure that everything in the box makes sense and matches current reality.  If it doesn’t, get rid of it.  If it isn’t serving you why keep it?

Change the meaning that you give to
circumstances and you will change… what you think, what you feel, what you do, and what you get.

The Invisible Survival Shield

The Invisible Survival Shield

Projects are the entire foundational structure of my coaching.  Projects give us a way to measure progress.  And projects make invisible shields visible.  Let me explain.

Over a lifetime, we develop various shields to protect ourselves.  These shields are made up of thoughts such as judgments, interpretations, assumptions and meanings that are woven together.   We aren’t aware that we are creating these shields.   Our big brains are designed to create them for us automatically.

The number one job of the brain is to assure our survival.   And the brain does its job very efficiently in a variety of ways.  One way is to explain or to find meaning in what is happening in the environment and to determine if what is happening is dangerous or safe.   If we interpret the environment as safe, we relax and socialize, prepare, plan and provide for the future.  If we interpret the environment as dangerous and threatening, our brains do an excellent job of sending all available resources to those parts of the body that need them so that we can defend, retreat or get small or still enough to go unnoticed.

Once we have survived a threat in our environment, we learn from it so that we can avoid or be prepared for that threat if and when it shows up again.  We remember smells, images, and sensations that remind us of the threat and begin to respond automatically with strategies that have worked to avoid or cope with the threat.  These strategies are the tools that we use to survive.  These tools make up our survival mechanism which works very well.  Too well sometimes.

In today’s fast paced environment, it’s a challenge to keep up.   Internal alerts and alarms are constantly being triggered as life comes at us with blazing split second speed.  This can create a very high level of stress because the brain is almost constantly perceiving threats and responding with the tools it has developed to survive.  But we weren’t built to sustain this level of stress.  There is little or no recovery time.

So the very shield that was designed to protect us now begins to kill us.   Our bodies start breaking down from the perceived relentless assault of life.  Modern medicine to the rescue.  We have an entire “health” system driving a huge part of the economy to treat the symptoms of surviving our modern life.  It’s a crazy world but few of us slow down long enough to notice the crazy.   Like applying a piece of duct tape over a warning light on the dash of the car, we treat the symptoms of and keep driving and driving and driving to survive.

What does all of this have to do with projects? 

By identifying what it is that my clients want to accomplish in their lives, and by designing projects to achieve those accomplishments, there is an opportunity to expose their invisible survival shields.  The most natural thing to do when taking on a project is to use the tools we know how to use for success.  But if those tools were designed for survival, and if success means creating something new in life, the tools don’t fit the job.

These tools are the strategies that we developed in response to the perceived or real threats in our lives in order to assure survival.   And our perception is created by the shield.  The shield is made up of an accumulation of our thoughts; judgments, interpretations, meanings and assumptions about what is safe and not safe in our environment.  

When my clients use their survival strategies to achieve success in their projects, the limitations of those strategies become apparent.   At that point, my clients become “coach-able”.  In other words, they realize that what has gotten them this far will not take them further.  They become open and willing to challenging the thoughts that formed the shield.  When that happens, their mindset or perception shifts.

We think we are responding to reality as we view life through the shield of our beliefs and thoughts.  But what we are responding to is our beliefs and thoughts about what we see through the shield.  

By clearing away the woven layers of false and inaccurate judgments, interpretations, meanings and assumptions, clients begin to view reality more accurately.  With an unobstructed view of reality, they start making real progress.  They are now able to accomplish what seemed impossible through the lens of their Survival Shield©.

As a coach, my job is to make the invisible shield visible so that my clients can consciously take control of their lives.   Projects give us a way to measure progress.   And projects make invisible shields visible.

Uncertainty

I was just listening to a podcast yesterday while I ran called The Art of Charm.  It was a conversation with author Olivia Fox Cabane on The Science of Creativity and Genius.  She says that each of us have a threshold for uncertainty.  That once we have reached that threshold, we go to fight, flight or freeze.  

Check out the podcast.  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/art-charm-confidence-relationship/id212382281?mt=2&i=340354310

The podcast I ran with this morning again addressed uncertainty from a different angle.  Civility and Doubt.  Often in a discussion when two people hold opposing views, one or both will become uncivil and aggressive.  I considered what I learned yesterday about uncertainty and how the brain responds – that the brain reacts to uncertainty in the same way that it reacts to pain; with an urgent directive to resolve it, creating a tension that won’t go away without resolution.  We want to be certain – confident.  And this works against us when we are certain or confident about things that aren’t certain.   When doubt is introduced, tension is created so that we want to defend what we hold as certain – even to the point of uncivil aggression.  This is why it is so hard to be open minded about those thoughts, ideas, values and principles that I hold dear.  It reminds me of the quote from the back of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous,

“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep man in everlasting ignorance.  That principle is contempt prior to investigation.”

Yet, when I become open minded, willing to consider the possibility that I have placed my confidence in a position that may not be accurate, the tension of uncertainty (aka curiosity) will serve me by inspiring investigation and inquiry until the uncertainty is replaced by insight and clarity.