Making Clear Choices

 There are times when making decisions or commitments is easy. Making hard decisions often comes down to the “lesser of two evils,” a coin toss, or simply forcing ourselves to do what feels like the right thing to do.

How do you make hard decisions or solve dilemmas? Do you seek the advice of others? Do you always just do the right thing even though you are sometimes conflicted? And once you’ve made a decision, do you second guess yourself?

The following is a story, based on an actual experience with a coaching client that is a great example of how confusing it can be to know what to do. The solution I offered illustrates a process you can use any time you aren’t sure how to approach a difficult situation, are waffling on making a commitment, or are faced with too many considerations when making a decision.

As is true with most of what I write, the content of this article is designed to provide practical life coaching which, if applied, will help you show up as the best possible version of yourself. I suggest that you read through the examples provided and then use the process the next time you experience confusion or inner conflict when making a choice.

Recently, I received an email from a client who was trying to decide between conflicting appointments on her calendar. In her email she stated,

“…the back pain seems to have passed. Do I keep the chiropractor appointment or not? I might still be able to find out if the pain was from a muscle strain, or tension, or a problem with my spine. X-rays and an adjustment might prevent more back pain (which almost kept me from working this week). But then I might waste money on a visit if the problem is already solved. And I hate to miss the meeting I have scheduled with you.”

While this landed as a clear request for advice, I’m not usually in the advice business. As a coach, my job is to help my clients recognize that they are the experts in their own lives and to show them how to access their own inner wisdom and guidance. Often, I use the Internal Family Systems model to accomplish this.

A part of me wanted my client to blow off the chiropractor appointment and keep her appointment with me. And I felt some pressure to give sound and wise advice. I hesitated before replying to her email, closed my eyes, and asked the concerned parts of my mind to relax enough to allow me to access the wisdom of my True Self.

Within seconds, these thoughts and feelings calmed. I wanted to support her to work with her inner world and access her own wisdom for her decision.

In my reply email I wrote;

“I suggest gathering the different parts of you that have something to say about going/not going to the chiropractor. Then, after checking in with each one, decide as your True Self what to do. Here’s how to do that:

Step 1. Describe the decision or commitment you are trying to make or the problem you are trying to solve.

Step 2. List the parts of you that are activated by the circumstance that requires a decision, commitment, or solution.

Step 3. Check in with the parts.

Step 4. Decide how to address all the stated concerns and needs. 

Step 5. Thank all parts for letting you know about their perspective, their concerns, and their needs.

Step 6. Make your decision.”

Based on my client’s circumstance, here is an example of how to use this decision making process.

Step 1. Describe the decision or commitment you are trying to make or the problem you are trying to solve.

For example: I set an appointment with the chiropractor but the only time available was at the same time I was scheduled to meet with my coach. I woke up this morning with no back pain. I’m concerned about the cost and don’t want to waste money or time on an appointment I don’t need. I need to decide whether to keep the appointment with the chiropractor or cancel it.

Step 2. List the parts of you that are activated by the circumstance that requires a decision, commitment, or solution.

For example: 

• The part that worries that there is still a problem with my back
• The part that doesn’t want to miss the meeting with my coach
• The part that is concerned about the cost of the chiropractor appointment

Step 3. Check in with the parts.

Here are some questions about each part of you that this circumstance triggers.

1. From the perspective of this part, what is your position on this decision, commitment, or problem?
2. From the perspective of this part, what are your concerns?
3. From the perspective of this part, what do you need?
4. Anything else to say about this from the perspective of this part that you should consider before deciding?

For example:

From the perspective of the part that is worried that there still may be a problem with my back:

1. From the perspective of this part, what is your position on this decision, commitment, or problem?

Answer: If there is still a problem with my back and I don’t keep this appointment, I may be in pain and have trouble getting another appointment. And I could make the problem worse.

2. From the perspective of this part, what are your concerns?

Answer: I’ve been putting off this problem too long. It’s time to find out what is going on and to learn what there is to do about it. If I don’t, I will continue to suffer from this problem and that could limit me physically and mentally.

3. From the perspective of this part, what do you need?

Answer: I need to know what is going on with my back and to know how to deal with it.

4. Anything else to say about this from the perspective of this part that you should consider before deciding?

Answer: My coach will understand. I can reschedule with him. I’m sure this is what he would want me to do.

 From the perspective of the part that doesn’t want to miss the meeting with my coach:

1. From the perspective of this part, what is your position on this decision, commitment, or problem?

 Answer: My back isn’t hurting right now. It’s important to keep my appointment with my coach. If it starts hurting again, I can make another appointment.

     2.  From the perspective of this part, what are your concerns?

Answer: My coach may not be willing to reschedule. He told me that he wanted 24 hours- notice to reschedule. If I miss this session, I may not be able to make it up and I will still have to pay for it. And my coach might judge me for trying to reschedule on short notice.

3. From the perspective of this part, what do you need?

Answer: I need to know if the coach will let me reschedule and if he will judge me.

4. Anything else to say about this from the perspective of this part that you should consider before deciding?

Answer: I don’t want to be so concerned about what my coach thinks of me.

From the perspective of the part that is concerned about the cost of the chiropractor appointment:

1. From the perspective of this part, what is your position on this decision, commitment, or problem?

Answer: Since my back isn’t hurting right now, I will waste my money because there is nothing wrong.

2. From the perspective of this part, what are your concerns?

Answer: I don’t know how much of the cost the insurance company will cover.

3. From the perspective of this part, what do you need?

Answer: I need to know what the cost of the appointment will be and what my insurance will pay.

4. Anything else to say about this from the perspective of this part that you should consider before deciding?

 Answer: I’d also like to know how many chiropractor visits insurance will pay for each year.

Step 4. Decide how to address all the stated concerns and needs.

For example:

• • If I don’t keep the appointment today, I will schedule one for next week, so I know the extent and the treatment of the back problem.
  • I will contact my coach and ask if he is willing to reschedule. If he is not willing to reschedule, will he still charge me for the appointment because I didn’t give him enough notice?
  • I will ask my coach if he is judging me for asking to reschedule. I will also ask him to help me work with this concern.
  • I will contact my chiropractor’s office to see what the cost is, how may visits my insurance allows, and how much insurance pays for.

Step 5. Thank all parts for letting you know about their perspective, their concerns, and their needs.

Step 6. Make your decision.

Working with your parts before making a commitment or a decision can bring clarity and enable you to maintain your integrity. A decision made after going through this process will be much more sustainable because it comes from clarity.

Here is the process again without the examples.

Step 1. Describe the decision or commitment you are trying to make or the problem you are trying to solve.

Step 2. List the parts of you that are activated by the circumstance that requires a decision, commitment, or solution.

Step 3. Check in with the parts.

Step 4. Decide how to address all the stated concerns and needs.

Step 5. Thank all parts for letting you know about their perspective, their concerns, and their needs.

Step 6. Make your decision.

After working through this process, my client went to the chiropractor and learned that she did have a problem with her back that most likely would have continued to bother her without treatment. Her insurance covered the entire cost of the treatment and she learned that they would pay for up to 12 chiropractic visits per year.

She contacted me and we rescheduled our appointment for later that week at no additional cost due to these circumstances. I had no judgments about her, and we explored her concerns about what I thought of her in subsequent coaching sessions. We discovered that she had parts that often influenced her to make decisions based on concerns for what others might think of her. By working with those parts using the Internal Family Systems model, my client was more easily able to make healthier and more balanced decisions.

My client began using this decision-making process whenever she was faced with a difficult decision. As a result, she learned to say “no” to commitments that were not in her best interest, and her confidence increased dramatically.

Not Broken

Photo by Ikowh Babayev from Pexels

We’re not really broken. I know it can feel that way.  It can feel hopeless.

But it’s not. You can break the cycle. Doing so may be the most important thing you ever do in your life.

I came from a long line of generational addiction, dysfunction, abuse, and neglect.

When I was growing up, I used to think, what the hell is wrong with these people?!

I’ll never be like them!  When I grow up I’m not going to be a drunk.  I’m not going to use drugs, I’m not going to act crazy, I’m not going to be like my dad or mom.

I was convinced I was different.  Better than my parents and their parents.

I wasn’t. Shockingly, I automatically recreated the life I thought I was better than. I lived with shame and wanted to change but didn’t know how.

Lucky for me, life started falling apart while I was still pretty young and I found some help. It’s probably more true that some help found me.

Asking for help was against the family rules. You don’t ask for help!  That means you’re weak. And what would others think about the family if one of us needed help?

I broke the rules. I got help. I got sober. Sobriety was going to fix everything.

It didn’t.

Over time, I became convinced that I was irreparably broken. The best I could do was to pretend like I wasn’t.

I was a pretty good actor, but I was dying inside. I suffered from anxiety and depression and made the people around me suffer too.

Fear controlled me. I hated to even look in the mirror.

I was convinced that people could see right through me and knew that if they did, they would hate me as much as I did.

After reaching out for help, I learned I wasn’t alone.

I was among millions of other zombies walking around thinking I was alive and wishing I weren’t.

I wanted to find the secret to stopping the pain, stopping the fear, stopping the suffering.

Then one day I heard Byron Katie ask a question I will never forget.

“Do you believe everything you think?”

Of course I did! I didn’t know there were any other options.

That was the beginning of my personal transformation and I’ve been on that journey ever since.

I rarely suffer these days. Fear only shows up when there is something to be afraid of. And I know how to be with pain- I know how to heal it.

I’m not who I thought I was. What a relief!

That means I don’t have to work so hard! I’m not broken! Never have been.

Now I can stop trying to fix me.

I can stop hiding.

I can stop playing small.

I can stop hedging my bets.

I can start showing up and living full out.

Now I have a life that I love.

So can you.

A client’s struggle with codependency

 

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

I am often inspired and educated by my coaching clients whose life experiences model what does and doesn’t work in life. As fellow humans, my clients struggle with many of the same issues I too have struggled with. In my own journey to inner freedom and peace, I have enjoyed a large degree of healing and continue to grow. My clients often remind me of the lessons learned along the way as well as opportunities for deeper healing.

The following is a fictional story based on experiences of many of my clients over the past ten years. Something I see often in my coaching practice are the frustrating and limiting effects of codependent relationships. There are strategies to mediate the impact of codependency such as expanding your support group and setting healthy boundaries, but they don’t actually solve the problem. For those of us who have struggled with codependency, applying these strategies can feel nearly impossible. 

That’s because if we don’t get what we think we need from our codependent relationships, we have little or no capacity for applying new strategies. Codependency is an over-reliance on another person for our sense of value. A codependent person goes through life seeking love, approval, and appreciation from others. 

I believe that early emotional wounds are usually the cause of codependent behavior. In an effort to explain the cause of the emotional injury, the codependent sufferer assumes for the rest of their lives that they deserve to be hurt or that they don’t deserve love. For example, a child who feels hurt, scared, alone, or embarrassed may conclude that they are stupid, unlovable, not worthy of good things, or unsafe. 

I suspect that seeking love and approval from others in an effort to counter the pain of the emotional injury is the true cause of codependency. Dealing with and healing that original wound is the real solution for codependent behavior.

In this fictional story about Mark, his adult son Seth, and Mark’s wife Denise, you will see that Mark is codependent in both relationships.

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Mark is a very successful business owner who often feels trapped in the middle of the acrimonious relationship between his wife, Denise and his adult son, Seth.

Mark received a text from Seth after the Memorial Day weekend. In the text Seth told his dad that he missed spending time with family over the holidays. Mark was on edge when he started our session. He recounted that he had exchanged holiday cards, text messages, and phone calls with his son, hoping to keep the peace. He reported that Seth’s text message was an early signal that his son was “circling the drain” once again. Mark worried that a crisis was brewing.

In the past, Seth made it clear that he didn’t want Mark to treat him like a child by giving him advice or telling him how he should feel. Seth often rebelled at being controlled by his father and reacted with anger if he believed that Mark didn’t respect his autonomy and independence.

But Seth isn’t autonomous or independent. He suffers from paranoia, depression, and anxiety, and relies on social services to live. Although he qualifies for independent housing benefits, Seth’s sometimes aggressive and disruptive behavior gets him in trouble. When that happens, he is in danger of being institutionalized. Mark is the emergency contact for his son and, once or twice a year, hears from social services, Seth’s landlord, or the police when Seth acts out.

Although not legally obligated, Mark feels responsible for Seth who moved across the country years ago to get married. Seth’s marriage only lasted a short time before it ended in divorce. Mark married Denise after Seth had moved away. Seth resents Denise and has been vocal in his criticism of her. Denise wants to support Mark’s efforts to have a relationship with his son, but finds it difficult because she feels hurt and angry by the way Seth treats her. She doesn’t believe that Mark has her back when Seth makes critical remarks about her.

When Seth acts out or needs Mark’s support, Mark is faced with some difficult decisions. Should he risk upsetting his wife to help Seth? Should he bail Seth out again or let social services deal with him? What can he do to help Seth get a grip on reality without alienating him? How should he respond to complaints about his son’s behavior, to the arrests, and to the court dates? How involved should he be in his son’s life?

Following guidance from friends, from the internet, books, podcasts, and his counselor, Mark works hard to surrender and let go. He meditates daily and releases responsibility for his son any time there is tension related to Seth.

Things had been going well for several months. But after getting the text from his son, Mark felt triggered again. He was frustrated and confused during our coaching session. Mark has done some great work in coaching and with his counselor who helps him with strategies for dealing with the tension between Seth and Denise. Despite years of this repeating cycle, Mark continues to hope for a lasting peace and was disappointed that he could be so easily triggered. He was confused and wondered if he would ever resolve the conflict.

As I do in every session, I asked Mark what he wished to accomplish during our session. The question interrupted Mark’s venting and seemed to surprise him. 

I waited as Mark reset his perspective and carefully considered his answer. After a moment, he said, “I just want to figure out how to stop getting anxious every time Seth or Denise get upset. I want to let them have their own experiences without getting dragged into their stuff. I’ve been trying to figure this out for years.”

I explained that there are three ways to deal with codependent relationships.

1. Try to control the other person,
2. Try to control yourself, or
3. Work on healing yourself.

I asked Mark which of these strategies he thought he was using with Seth.

I waited as Mark thought it over. Finally, he said, “I don’t think I try to control Seth. In fact, I try not to because I don’t want to upset him.”

“So,” I suggested “you try to control yourself to make sure you don’t upset him.”

“Exactly!” he agreed.

“What about your wife? Do you try to control her?” I asked.

“No!” He almost shouted. “I try to control myself. I don’t want her to be upset either, so I am careful about my tone of voice, and what I do and don’t say around her.”

“You try to control yourself so you don’t upset your son or your wife. You’re trying to control how they feel by controlling what you say or do. Do I have that right?” I asked.

Mark mulled this over and I waited for a response.

“I see. So, I try to control myself so I can control them,” he conceded. 

“You have been using these strategies to manage a very difficult situation. You want your son to feel supported and loved by you. You want your wife to feel supported and loved by you. You measure how loved and supported they feel by whether or not they are upset. So it makes sense that you would do what you can to manage that. But there is something about this strategy that isn’t working for you Mark. What is that?” I asked.

“My efforts to manage their emotions only have temporary success, I have been doing this for Mark’s entire life and ever since I met Denise. I’m constantly trying to put out fires or trying to prevent a fire from starting. It’s exhausting and most of the time it doesn’t work. They both end up mad at me,” he said, clearly grasping the impossibility of the situation.

“Are you ready to try something new Mark?” I asked.

“Of course!” he responded.

“The third way to deal with a codependent relationship is to work on healing yourself,” I reminded him.

“And how do I do that?” He asked, unable or unwilling to hide his despair.

“By doing a U-Turn and getting curious about yourself and your reactions. Doing a U-turn means shifting your focus away from others and getting curious about yourself. For example, rather than focusing on what Seth or Denise are thinking, feeling, or doing, you would get curious about your own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Does that make sense?” I asked, pausing until I was sure he understood.

“It makes sense,” he admitted. “I mean, I understand what you’re saying, but I’m not sure what difference that would make.”

“Getting curious about your own experience is the beginning of real change. You don’t have any control over Seth or Denise. But you do have control over where you place your conscious attention. Notice how it feels to focus on what they might be thinking or feeling or what they might do. Powerless, right? It feels powerless because you have no power over them. Not really. You may be able to influence them. You may know them well enough to predict how they will react. But the only reason you would want to predict their reactions would be to know how to control them. And the reason you want to control their reactions is to minimize your own pain or discomfort.” I stopped talking to let these ideas sink in.

“That sounds so…selfish,” Mark said.

“Most of us react to pain and fear in ways that we hope will relieve our pain or manage what we are afraid of. Your reactions don’t mean anything about who you are. If anything, they are responses to fear and pain. Labeling yourself as selfish is just another way to try to control yourself and how others perceive you. Can you see that?” I asked.

“Yes. I can see that. I never thought of it that way,” he responded.

“Your coaching request today was to figure out a way to remain calm even if Denise or Seth are upset. What if, somehow, you lost the ability to focus on their thoughts, feelings, and actions? What are you afraid might happen?” I asked.

“I’m afraid I would say and do things that would upset them,” he said.

“And if that happened?” I pressed.

Mark studied the floor and admitted, “I’m afraid I would lose them. They wouldn’t want me in their lives if I upset them.”

“You’re careful with them so you aren’t alone.” I summarized Mark’s thoughts.

“Yes.” He said, looking tired and defeated.

“Here’s why that is a problem, Mark. As long as you believe you have to be careful around Seth and Denise, you can’t just be yourself. How could you ever just authentically show up for them and for yourself if you’re trying to manage their perception of you?” I asked, building on his dawning awareness.

“I can’t. If I’m constantly stressed and trying to read their minds and control their reactions to me, I can never be calm around them. It’s so strange. I am so afraid of losing either of them, but when I am interacting with them I’m on edge and trying to be who I think they want me to be. I completely lose myself in the process,” he said, flooded with insight.

“Does it make sense that without the concern that they would leave you, you might be calm and authentic around them? Can you imagine that?” I tested the depth of his awareness.

“It’s hard to imagine. But it makes sense that I’m the one making myself feel upset. So, how do I get rid of the fear?” he asked.

“Rather than trying to get rid of your fear, let’s see if you can get curious about it,” I suggested. “Are you willing to do some work between now and our next session?” 

“If it will help me get past this fear, you bet!” he agreed.

“Here’s what I have in mind. I’d like you to do some research by making what has been unconscious conscious,” I told him.

“How do I do that?” he asked, grabbing his pen and notebook.

“Over the next week, I’d like you to answer some questions about at least one uncomfortable interaction with Denise or Seth. I’m not asking you to change anything. Don’t modify your behavior or your reactions to them. I won’t be judging or grading you on any of this. Just make some notes about what you experience.

Once you’ve interacted with one of them, answer these questions.

1. Describe the circumstance within which you interacted.
2. How did you feel during the interaction?
3. How did you react? What did you do?
4. How did you feel after the interaction?

I suggested that he document the experience as soon as possible remember as much as he could about all that happened.

Our time was almost up. “What have you gotten from our conversation today, Mark?” I asked.

“This has been a lot to digest,” Mark said. “But, I’m starting to understand that I play a role in feeling the way I do around Seth and Denise. I guess I’ve been blaming them for how I feel. It’s like I’ve been at their mercy. I’m hoping you can help me take my power back.”

I knew that this could be a turning point for Mark and made myself a note to start here during our next coaching session.

Give Them a Day Pass

 Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels

There are people in my life who I put in jail. At some point in my life, our paths crossed, and I got hurt. I blamed them for my pain and locked them away for life so they could never hurt me again.

Many of the people I locked away have no idea they are in jail.

When I think of them, or if I happen to be in their presence, the walls go up. I’ve been hurt and believe that they are responsible for my pain. I can’t afford to let them hurt me again. The walls go up so they can’t get in.

Getting in would mean letting them see my joy and my sorrow, my worries and my pride, my confidence and my anxiety, my greatness and my fears.

But I don’t trust them with my sacredness because they have hurt me. They have proven they can’t be trusted. Letting them in would make me vulnerable to being hurt by them again.

Thank God there are so many people on the planet. There’s no way that in my estimated 85 years they can all hurt me.

I remember hearing someone say, “I have friends I haven’t even used yet” after they had experienced rejection. I always chuckle when I think of that. But why is that funny?

I suppose its funny in the same way that a comedian makes me laugh by saying the thing we’re not supposed to say. Its a little shocking sometimes to tell the truth instead of saying what is expected and acceptable.

Do I use my friends? Do I use people? I don’t want to believe I do. But if I’m really being honest…

Yes. I use people to make me feel good about myself. To validate who I want to be seen as. I use people to like myself.

I’m the sheriff in my life. If someone does or says something that triggers pain or discomfort, I just throw them in jail. No problem. I’ve got others I haven’t even used yet.

That’s one way to live life. That’s the only way to live life unless I know better.

Fortunately for me and for those I have sentenced to life in prison, I now know better.

I thought others were responsible for how I feel about myself. What is true is that I am responsible for all of my feelings.

I thought that external events determined my internal experience. What is true is that how I view external events determines my internal experience.

I thought people would never change. Once they hurt you, they will always hurt you. What is true is that people make mistakes. A mistake doesn’t define a person. What is also true is that hurt people hurt people. And its also true that people can heal and change.

I’m one of those people. I have been hurt. I’ve hurt others in an effort to protect myself. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and judged myself for those mistakes. But I am not my mistakes. I have been wounded but I have also healed. And as I have healed, I have changed.

If that is all true for me, then it may be true for others.

I am not who I used to be. My circumstances have changed dramatically over the years. And my responses to the circumstances of my life have changed dramatically as well.

Some who I have blamed for my past hurts haven’t been so fortunate. They haven’t yet had the opportunity to heal and grow like I have.

Given what I now know to be true, what stops me from letting them out of jail? Only my fear. Only the habit of believing that others can hurt me, have hurt me, and will hurt me again if I give them the opportunity.

There are hurtful people in the world. I am responsible to protect myself from them.

But not all people are intentionally hurtful. Most just make mistakes, learn from those mistakes and grow.

What would it mean to give those I have blamed for my pain a day pass? What if I let them out of jail just long enough to test my own progress?

It would mean recognizing that the person I interacted with in the past is not the same person who I’m thinking about now. Most people change. Can I find the courage to let them in a little?

I can’t expect to be vulnerable until I have learned how to resolve the pain of the past. I can’t make room for the possibility of more hurt until I have created more capacity to endure it.

The work I have done using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model (www.IFS-Institute.com) has enabled me to stop throwing people in jail. I’ve even begun to pardon some of those who I convicted in the past.

Now I use the IFS model to help my coaching clients set themselves free.