What makes a good relationship good?

 Just for fun imagine that, after getting to know your partner well enough to recognize that you were interested in them, they told you they wanted to talk. Let’s create a couple for this imagination.

Meet Pat and Taylor. Feel free to assign gender roles as you wish.

A few weeks after Pat meets Taylor, they decide that things are starting to move in a more committed direction. Wishing to establish the rules of the relationship early, Pat asks Taylor if they can talk. Taylor agrees and Pat explains, “I like you. I can see us together as a couple. So, I have some rules and agreements to discuss with you. I just want to make sure my expectations are going to work for you.”

Pleased, because they feel the same way, Taylor encourages Pat to continue.

Pat lays it all out for Taylor. “If we’re going to be a couple, I want you to know that I will be responsible for how you feel, and you will be responsible for how I feel. If I feel bad, it will be your responsibility to make me feel good. And it goes without saying that if you feel bad, its my responsibility to make you feel good.

“Here’s how that will work. If I feel bad, I will expect you to make me feel better. I want you to know it’s alright for you to ask for reassurance that I still love you even if I feel bad. But I may not be able to comfort you because I won’t be able to. I’m probably going to continue to feel bad until you make me feel better.

“Since it’s my job to make you feel good, I will probably feel guilty for not being able to reassure you. When I feel guilty I get angry. So, don’t take it too personally if I snap at you when you ask to be comforted when you have failed to make me feel good.

“Is this all making sense?” Pat realizes they have said a lot and wants to be sure Taylor is keeping up.

Realizing that Pat is serious, Taylor says, “I mean, I understand what you’re saying. But…”

“Great!” Pat interrupts. “There’s more. If at any time you feel bad…which I don’t expect to happen because I’m really good at making the people I love feel good…but if you do for any reason feel bad, then I will feel blamed. I will know you are blaming me because it’s my job to make you feel good and if you feel bad, clearly, I’m not doing my job. So, of course you would be blaming me. And it feels really crappy to get blamed so I will feel guilty that you feel bad and I will feel angry and act defensive. I just want you to know so you can make me feel better. Until you do that, I won’t be able to make you feel better. So don’t blame me if I treat you badly because that would clearly be your fault.”

Of course, this would never happen. When we are emotionally immature, we don’t come into relationships fully aware of the rules and expectations that we have for the other. And like Taylor, if we knew we were getting into a relationship like that, we may have second thoughts.

As ridiculous as the story of Pat and Taylor sounds, many of us have or have had relationships where those rules and expectations were honored. These rules and expectations aren’t usually spoken, although they might be loudly proclaimed when things come to a head. The result of these covert agreements is that eventually the partners become enemies who occasionally remember why thy used to like each other.

What if you could negotiate a different agreement? If you find yourself in a relationship that tries to follow the rules that Pat described to Taylor, you don’t have to leave the relationship to find happiness and joy.

Let’s use Pat and Taylor again to imagine a different possibility.

Pat and Taylor have been getting to know each other over the past few months and it becomes clear that there is mutual attraction. They find themselves spending more and more time together.

One day, Taylor tells Pat, “I like you. I can see us being a couple. In fact it looks and feels that way to me now. Does it feel that way to you?”

“It does!” Pat agrees happily.

Taylor continues, “I’ve had some pretty unworkable relationships in the past and recognize that I contributed to the unworkability of those relationships. I don’t want to recreate that with you. So, I’d like to talk with you about some rules and expectations. Are you willing to have that conversation with me right now?”

“Sure!” Pat says, eager to hear Taylor’s ideas.

“Here are the agreements I would like to make with you. We can talk about each of them and I don’t expect either of us to do this perfectly, but these are my expectations if we are going to be a couple,” Taylor began.

“First, we agree that I am responsible for how I feel and you are responsible for how you feel. If I feel bad, it just means I have something going on inside that I am responsible to work out. Same for you. If you feel bad, it means you have something going on inside that you are responsible to work out.” Taylor paused.

“That makes sense,” Pat said. “So if I feel bad can I count on you to support me as I work it out?”

“Yes!” Taylor answered, “because if I’m not taking responsibility for how you feel, I’m actually in a much better place to support you than if I feel like I have to make you feel better or that it’s my fault that you feel bad.”

If Taylor and Pat can honor this agreement, there is a pretty good chance they can have a healthy, supportive, and loving relationship. The challenge, of course will be to work with any existing beliefs and expectations that argue with the agreement. If they don’t know how to do that, they may have to get some help from an Internal Family Systems (IFS) coach or therapist.

But the inner work required to address those counter-productive beliefs and expectations is well worth the effort. For those of us who have endured and survived a relationship guided by the first covert agreement, it’s a relief knowing there is another option.

A relationship guided by the second overt agreement creates a clean and safe space which can hold the capacity to love and be loved.

Fear, Resistance, and Action

 

Fear.  What do you do when you are feeling it?   Does it stop you?   Do you work around it?  Does it limit you?  Do you push your way past it?

In the coaching world, one of our jobs as coaches is to help our clients accomplish that which they haven’t been able to accomplish without our help.

Many coaches view the challenge through the lens of motivation.

In her 1987 book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, author Susan Jeffers states, “At the bottom of every one of your fears is simply the fear that you can’t handle whatever life may bring you.”  She goes on later to say, “The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.”

The idea is that by forcing yourself to take action that you are afraid to take, you will override your belief that you can’t handle whatever comes your way and, as a result, feel better about yourself, build confidence and overcome the fear. “The only way to feel better about myself is to go out…and do it.”

She also warns that growing can be hazardous because, “The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.”

So, her solution is simple. “All you have to do to diminish your fear is to develop more trust in your ability to handle whatever comes your way!”  And the only way to handle whatever comes your way is to meet it head on and handle it!

After all, “If you knew you could handle anything that came your way, what would you possibly have to fear?”

As you read these quotes from her book, how is your body reacting?   Are you ready to go out and tackle your fears?  Or do you just want to hide and give up?  Susan Jeffers tells us its all about how you hold the fear.  You can let the fear control you or your can realize how powerful you are by doing the thing that is generating the fear anyhow.

There’s another very popular motivational approach that has more recently caught on by wildfire.  The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins is essentially stating the same idea.  Depressed?  Anxious?  Count backwards from five and launch yourself into action!

But what if the problem with fear isn’t really about motivation?  Let’s look at it through a different lens.  Let’s look at fear through the lens of logic.

Most of the fears that stop us don’t actually and presently exist in the world.  We imagine the worse and then feel the fear as if the worse is about to happen.

Recently I discovered that much of my life is sculpted by strategies I have developed over my lifetime to protect myself.  These strategies were designed to protect me at a time when I didn’t believe I could handle the hurt, disappointment, shame, embarrassment, humiliation and pain of risking and failing.  These strategies quickly became habits.  They are now automatic reactions when life adds pressure to fear I suppressed years ago.  I’m not even aware that I’m using these strategies.  At best, I feel the fear again and do what I can to manage it by attempting to overcome it or run from it.

For example, I learned at a pretty young age that big boys don’t cry.  The punishment for crying was humiliation and ridicule by the people who I depended on for love and support. I learned very early to shut down sadness.  I learned how to close off my heart.  With a closed heart, I felt safer.  Soon, I overcame those silly, weak and ridiculous feelings and subconsciously kept them suppressed and undetected.

Ever notice how powerful some of your emotions can be?  Have you ever noticed that practically everything that you do is done to manage those emotions?

Circumstances occur.  You feel something.  Then you react to that feeling to embrace it, manage it or avoid it.

If its a feeling you like, you embrace it.

If its an uncomfortable feeling, you manage it.

If its a feeling you have learned to avoid or that you don’t believe you can handle, you go into automatic and your protective strategies take over.

But sometimes even those life long automatic strategies don’t work.  Sometimes circumstances create so much pressure that the energy behind those feelings is too great to manage.

That’s when the fear kicks in.  That’s when the fear threatens to stop you in your tracks.  And in that moment, you are completely disempowered.  You are in survival mode.  From this state of disempowerment, you can dig down deep and force yourself to “do it anyway.”

If this is how you are trying to achieve success, you must be exhausted.  This is not a sustainable model for success.  Despite the fear, you may successfully achieve the objectives that you hope will bring the success you seek.  So why don’t you feel successful?  Why are you so unhappy?

Resistance, not fear is what prevents fulfillment.  When fear is present and you take action despite that fear, are you feeling the fear?  Or are you resisting it?

What might happen if you knew how to actually be with the fear?  If you could let it run its course?  To do this, you’ll have to let go of your resistance.  Without resistance, the fear will run its course.  The energy that has remained suppressed will finally be released and free you up.  In the absence of the fear, there is no resistance.  In the absence of fear and resistance you will have access to motivation, inspiration, clarity and wisdom.  You will feel lighter and will be more easily connect with who you were before you began handling your fear.

Notice your resistance and drop it. Allow the fear. Let it run its course. Then, and only then, when there is no fear and no resistance, take the action.

Active Grief

 Photo by Johannes Plenio from Pexels

With loss comes grief. If you have experienced a loss, have you experienced active grief or have you experienced passive grief?

When something changes or ends, or when something happens that scares you or hurts you, there can be a sense of loss. For example:

• When you lose a pet or a loved one, you lose the ongoing connection with your pet or loved one as well as a future of interactions with them.
• When a job comes to an end, you lose familiarity and routine. You may also lose a sense of security and you may lose confidence or hope.
• If you move to a new home, you lose comfort, familiarity, a center of orientation and possibly a sense of security.
• When a relationship comes to an end, you lose connection and the value that relationship provided.
• When your last child enters the first grade you lose exclusive influence of your child’s mind and
• The deadline for a goal passes and you lose routines and processes related to that goal.
• A betrayal is a loss of trust and safety.
• A failure can mean the loss of hope or confidence.
• The end of a process can be experienced as the loss of meaning and purpose.

With loss comes grief and until the grief process has run its course, our emotional state will feel out of balance. The value and weight of what has been lost throws us off center until the pain and disorientation has been resolved.

Grief can be experienced passively or actively.

Passive grief is characterized by conscious or unconscious strategies to manage the emotions related to loss rather than feeling them. Passive grief is turning away from the loss and denying its impact or turning away from anything that might trigger the pain of the loss.

Active grief is characterized by a conscious intention to be fully engaged in the internal emotional and psychological turmoil that comes with loss. Active grief is leaning into the loss and integrating its impact.

Despite the saying, time does not heal all wounds. Over time, the pain of the loss is either healed or buried.

Passive grief eventually hides the pain of loss from conscious awareness. But there are problems associated with hiding our pain. The pain of loss packs a punch backed by emotional energy that must be managed by an equal or greater amount of energy. The more energy used to hide and manage the pain of loss, the less energy there is to fully engage in life.

Active grief embraces the pain of loss and heals it. The process requires the willingness and ability to squarely face and feel the pain of loss. Healing the pain is a temporary process and eliminates the need to permanently invest energy in managing pain.

A useful model for supporting active grief is IFS. The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model acknowledges the multiplicity of the human mind. We all have subpersonalities that can influence how we respond to the circumstances of our lives. Our subpersonalities influence our behavior and choices with thoughts and emotions.

When we experience loss, we either respond from the most dominant subpersonality or from our essence – the highest and best version of ourselves; what IFS refers to as Self.

When our response is informed and influenced by a subpersonality or “part,” our choices and behaviors are driven by unconscious motives and agendas. When responding from Self, our choices and behaviors are based on reality as it is. The contrast between these two responses can be experienced as inner conflict or inner peace.

It’s not reasonable to expect to experience loss without activating our subpersonalities. But once we notice that we are activated, we can, as our essential Self, bring compassionate curiosity to those parts of ourselves that are upset. We can allow those parts to feel what they feel. In this way we can provide the loving support that our inner world needs in the face of loss.

Learning about and embracing the perspectives of each of our subpersonalities and using the pain of loss to heal and grow resolves the impact the loss. Once resolved, the energy previously required to manage the pain of loss becomes available to fully experience the present moment.

The goal of the IFS model is to increase Self-leadership by healing, harmonizing, and balancing the internal family of subpersonalities. To do this, the client is supported to get curious about their parts so as to understand and appreciate their positive intentions.

To get to know a part, a “trailhead” is established. Triggering circumstances reveal parts that are either holding unresolved emotions from painful experiences or parts that are trying to manage the parts that are holding the unresolved emotions. When any of these parts are triggered, you may notice the emotions that they are holding, you may notice thoughts showing up that reflect the beliefs of the activated part, or you may act in ways that feel out of your control.

To actively grieve, get curious about the parts of you that feel unsettled, that influence you with painful or worrisome thoughts, or that influence to act in a manner that feels out of control.

To find an IFS therapist or practitioner, go to www.IFS-Institute.com

Reclaiming Power and Choice

 

Photo by Avery Nielsen-Webb from Pexels

“When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Viktor Frankl

 

If you had the power to change your life, would you?

Whether you have power or not isn’t as important as whether you feel empowered or not.

If you had a choice where you don’t have one now, what choice would you make?

Whether you believe you have a choice or not isn’t as important as what happens when you realize you always have choices.

Power and choice and our perception of both determines, to a large degree, our level of contentment and satisfaction in all areas of life. What could be more important?

You certainly don’t have to agree with these concepts. And, of course, you don’t have to answer the questions. But I challenge you to consider both the questions and the concepts. To do so will require the courage of introspection.

If you feel up to the challenge, I offer the following guidance for self-inquiry. Take this challenge and begin reclaiming power and choice.

If you find these exercises difficult to complete without help, contact me to set up a complimentary 60-minute coaching session, or if you have already had a free session, schedule a paid session.

Schedule a session now

The Power to Change

To answer the first question, “If you had the power to change your life, would you?” use the following exercise.

If you could change one thing about each of the following categories, what would you change? On a separate document (paper or digital), describe how it is now and how you would like it to be for each category.

1. Your body
2. Your mind
3. Your emotions
4. Your spiritual life
5. Your social life
6. Your love life
7. Your environment
8. Income and Wealth
9. Recreation and Hobbies
10. Significant Relationships

For example,

My body: I currently weight 165 lb. I would like to weigh about 150 lb.

How empowered do you feel to make the change you described in your answers? Use a scale of 1 to 3.

1 = completely disempowered      2 = somewhat empowered       3 = completely empowered

If you scored 2 or 3 for a category, what is stopping you from making the change? You feel at least somewhat empowered to make the change, but you haven’t. Why not? Take a moment to answer the following question for each category using the same document.

What is stopping you from making this change?

You have answered the first question, “If you had the power to change your life, would you?” If you feel empowered at all to make a change, it is possible to make that change. But until you feel empowered to make the change, you won’t even try. That is why it is more important to feel empowered than it is to have power.

To answer the second question, “If you had a choice where you don’t have one now, what choice would you make?” use the following exercise.

The Power of Choice

Using a separate document, make a list of three to five circumstances where you don’t believe you have a choice.

For example,

I can’t leave my job because if I did, I wouldn’t be able to pay the bills.

Now, imagine someone else in the same circumstance. Make a list of possible choices for the other person.

For example,

They could either leave the job and file for bankruptcy and lose their house and car, or they could begin to research other ways to earn the income they needed.

In the majority of cases, there are options. In some cases, the options are extreme. But even if the alternative to the present circumstance means risking an unacceptable consequence (like death or other significant loss), you still have a choice.

Next, clearly describe what you choose in each circumstance.

For example,

I choose the security and predictability of my current job. I could leave but don’t want to take the risk or go to the trouble of creating another source of income or finding another job.

You have answered the second question, “If you had a choice where you don’t have one now, what choice would you make?”

In most cases, you do have a choice. You have chosen your current circumstance because it is preferable to the alternative.

If, after completing this challenge, you realize that you want more access to power and choice, continue to read, contact me to set up a complimentary 60-minute coaching session, or if you have already had a free session, schedule a paid session.

Schedule a session now

 

How do we give away our power?

How do we lose access to choice?

I believe we are all born as our true selves with all the power we will ever need. But, as we experience life, its easy to lose access to that power. We get confused about who we are, thinking that we are some diminished version of our true self.

This confusion throws us off course and we lose access to our true power. Before we realize it, we are living automatic lives, involuntarily reacting to what happens as if we have no power or choice at all.

To reclaim power and choice, we must reclaim our true identity. Doing so replaces confusion with clarity.

How do we reclaim our true identity?

Richard Schwartz began developing a new approach to helping people do just exactly this in the early 1980s. Over the past four decades, he has developed the Internal Family Systems model (IFS) which acknowledged the multiplicity of the mind.

It is our very normal and needed mental multiplicity that makes it possible for us to forget who we are as we navigate the slings and arrows of surviving this life.

Using the IFS model to connect with, understand, and appreciate the multiple “parts” of ourselves that have enabled our survival and current levels of functionality and success, we can begin to reclaim our True Selves.

As we continue to get to know and appreciate our parts, we gain clarity about who we really are and access to the power and choice that comes with that clarity.

Updating Your Internal Operating System

 

Photo by Kirill Lazarev from Pexels

Prior to learning about IFS, I expected myself to be clear, decisive, certain, and single minded. Of course, there were times when I was confused, unable to make decisions or stick to them, unsure, and conflicted. The contrast between how my mind worked and how I thought it should work was a constant source of embarrassment and frustration. I assumed there was something wrong with me. So, I pretended to have it together while working hard to get it together.

Eventually, I discovered who I really am. I am the essential Self at the core of my being. As a Self, I am supported by a body with organs and limbs and a mind made up of parts or subpersonalities. Many of my parts have taken on extreme roles and are inspired by concepts that they hold as true. When one of these parts blends with my consciousness, my perspective is altered by the beliefs, values, and objectives of that part.

Until I become aware that the beliefs of a part are influencing me, I think, feel, and react as if the belief is true. Once the part unblends, I return to a perspective that accurately reflects current reality. Consequently, my thoughts, feelings, and responses are relevant to circumstances as they are.

Some of our beliefs are ideas that our young parts embraced as true at a time in our lives when we felt alone, confused, helpless, powerless, or hopeless. The ideas that worked to help us survive the most challenging moments of our lives stuck with us because they gave us power, help, and hope when we needed it. When ideas get sticky enough, they seem true. A belief is a thought that occurs as the truth. When a thought becomes a belief, we accept it as truth – even if it’s not true.

As we find safety and security in our lives, some of the ideas that formed our belief systems are no longer useful. To change these beliefs, we can connect with the parts that hold them and give them the opportunity to reset their perspective. If a reality update is accepted by a part, old beliefs can be spontaneously unburdened.

For Example:

Nancy loved her job, and her employer loved the job she did for them. She quickly learned how to master every task and to efficiently achieve all she was asked to do. The more she accomplished, the more her employer asked her to do. Eventually, she became so overwhelmed with the pressure to keep up with it all, she broke down in her employer’s office and gave notice that she was going to quit.

Her employer was caught completely off guard. They had no idea that Nancy was unhappy and feeling overwhelmed. When her employer offered to hire a part time person to help her, Nancy decided to stay.

The parts of Nancy that had been most dominant in this situation held beliefs that influenced her to take on far more than she could comfortably accomplish. When her employer realized she was overwhelmed, they showed their appreciation for the value she provided by giving her a raise and some help.

As Nancy told her IFS Practitioner, Sheryl what happened, Sheryl suggested it would be a good time to update her parts. The part of Nancy that believed she had no value and the part that tried to overcome that belief by working so hard were both updated and were able to release the desperate need to earn recognition and acceptance at work. This update provided enough of an unburdening for these parts that they had room to learn new strategies based on current reality.

Both parts agreed to work together to help Nancy set limits on what she said yes to. With the help of her updated parts, Nancy found a helper who was highly skilled at the things she didn’t especially enjoy and handed those tasks off to them.

I am a Certified IFS Practitioner and have completed two levels of IFS training. IFS stands for Internal Family Systems, a therapy model with powerful applications for life coaching. If you are thinking of hiring a life coach and would like to experience a sample session using IFS, go to my online calendar and find an hour that works for you.

Why Trusting Yourself is so Important and Why it is so Hard to Do

 I tell my life coaching clients I believe they are the most qualified experts when it comes to how to live their lives. It’s tempting to believe that there are others who may have better ideas about how to live a good life, but ultimately, we follow our own inner guidance.

Each life is different. No two people have had the exact same experiences. Each of us have a unique set of beliefs and values. No one else has faced the same challenges, obstacles, and opportunities.

Supporting someone to trust themselves is far more valuable than any of my brilliant life strategies.

Consciously trusting yourself isn’t as simple as a decision to do so. How on earth can I expect my clients to trust themselves when they know better than anyone, the mistakes and failures they have experienced? Most of us present the most advantageous version of ourselves for the rest of the world to see.

I often refer to this as the False Identity. Some call it the ego. Internal Family Systems refers to the parts of ourselves that present strategic personas as protectors.

Why do we do this? I believe we present a false identity to the world because we are trying to hide what we are ashamed of. We might think, “If others knew who I really am, they wouldn’t like me. They may hate me.”

I haven’t met anyone yet who has lived a perfect life. We all make mistakes — plenty of them. And most of us have had countless experiences that have helped us to conclude that in some ways we are deficient, broken, damaged, unattractive, high maintenance, or simply unlovable.

So, when I suggest that my clients learn to trust themselves, the suggestion often sounds preposterous. That’s because we are trained to think that who we are is what we are trying to hide. And we know that we have manufactured what we have successfully convinced people to like, accept, love, approve, and appreciate about us. 

We can fool the world. But are we now expected to fool ourselves?

I’m not suggesting that we trust the conniving, strategizing, protecting, egoic, false identity . And I’m not suggesting that we trust the hurt, scared, anxiety filled, depressed, neurotic, and shamed parts of ourselves to provide the wisdom and clarity needed to live a good life.

Eventually, I introduce my clients to the idea that there is an original, authentic version of themselves that they can trust. 

Learning to trust ourselves begins with an intention. Moving from distrust to trust of what the Internal Family Systems refers to as the Self, is a process that involves recognizing that we are not our survival strategies, and we are not our shame. At the core of each of us is a reliable source of wisdom and power. Uncovering who we are not helps us to discover and access the resources of our authentic self.

The best method for accomplishing this which I have found is the Internal Family Systems model (IFS). It’s easy to assume that IFS is about family issues. While much of what is discovered with the help of IFS relates back to our families of origin, the “family” in Internal Family Systems refers to the internal family of subpersonalities that make up the shame-based identity that masquerades as who we are.

I have been trained and certified as an IFS practitioner by the IFS Institute. The IFS model is a therapy model that is being used by a growing number of therapists and practitioners around the world. Its effectiveness explains the growing popularity of the model. I am a personal development coach and, over the past couple of years, the IFS model has become one of my favorite methods for helping my clients learn to trust themselves.

For more information about IFS, go to www.IFS-Institute.com.