Bob (not his real name) told me that he wanted to stop working so many hours so he could be present at home and enjoy his family. I asked how many hours he would like to work each week. He wanted the freedom to put in extra time when necessary, but wanted to cut back to no more than ten hours a day, five days a week.
At first, Bob found it difficult to limit his time at work but had been successful in cutting back from 70 to 56 hours the previous week. This gave him a little more time at home, but he was exhausted, not sleeping well, and found it almost impossible to enjoy his family. His mind was still focused on work even while he was home.
IFS (Internal Family Systems) is the most powerful tool in my toolbox. But when I was first trained in the Internal Family Systems model, I wasn’t sure how to use it with clients like Bob. The training showed me how to use IFS to heal the past, but I am a coach and had been taught that healing was outside the realm of my profession.
In my IFS training, I learned that there are parts of us that are unaware that conditions have changed since they first took on roles to help and protect us. For example, if a part decided that picking fights was the best way to protect us when we were young and vulnerable, that part may not know that we are no longer vulnerable and no longer need to pick fights.
Although many of our parts want to help, the help they provide is outdated and no longer relevant to the current conditions. Consequently, these parts remain tethered to the past and distort our view of current circumstances.
I have to admit that when I was first introduced to the IFS model, it seemed a little crazy. How strange to consider that there were parts of me that operated automatically and out of my control!
But some of my thoughts, emotions and behaviors were happening without my permission. And when I tried to control my thinking, feeling, or reacting, I quickly realized I often wasn’t really in charge.
Prior to learning about IFS, I used a process created by Byron Katie that helped my clients examine their beliefs and thoughts. And it worked. My clients were able to make changes in their lives.
When I discoverd IFS in 2016 and realized how powerful it was, I decided to learn more. I began formal training in 2019 and have participated in at least two trainings per year ever since. Now, I use IFS in my own life any time I notice I’m operating from patterns and programming. And I use IFS with almost all my clients.
I used IFS to help Bob discover he had parts that were unaware conditions had improved since he got married 20 years ago. Before they were married, he and his wife agreed that they wanted children. That’s when Bob realized he needed to get serious about finding a better way to support a family. He and his wife moved to a new city and Bob found a better paying job in a new career.
At first, Bob wasn’t good at the new job and worried he would be fired. To avoid this, he put in tons of hours and worked harder than anyone else in the business. His efforts paid off. Bob still works in the same industry and is respected as an expert in the field.
When I first began working with Bob, the parts that helped him in this way were still operating as if nothing had changed. They were unaware that things were no longer as they were when he was struggling financially. These parts didn’t know that financial success had already been achieved. So, under their influence, Bob brought a desperate energy to his work and life.
His children were now teenagers. Bob and his wife owned a nice home and drove newer cars. There was enough money in the bank to weather financial emergencies and to help the kids go to college if they wanted to.
But Bob’s parts were still operating as if Bob might be fired any day, as if the junker he drove might break down, and as if he may not be able to afford food and rent.
I used the IFS model to help Bob update these parts with the current facts and conditions of his life. These parts saw that their efforts were no longer needed. Bob acknowledged and thanked the parts for their contributions to his success.
I then suggested that these parts could still serve him if they wished to. Now, rather than trying to help create security and stability through long hours and hard work, they help Bob leverage what he has learned in his career to explore what is possible beyond the struggle to survive.
Bob reports that he is finding it easier to relax and delegate at work. He no longer works extended hours unless, on rare occasions his team needs his help to meet a deadline. He has more time with his family, and more importantly, has an increased capacity to be present and enjoy his life with his wife and children.
IFS is an important and effective tool in coaching because it helps my clients recognize and address what gets in the way. When combined with other powerful coaching tools, IFS helps my clients discover how to have the lives, careers, relationships, and results they want.
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