Working with Polarized Parts

Polarized Parts, A Self-Led Project Exercise

Using a bonus exercise from the Self-Led Project program, I work with volunteers Kathleen and Walt to explore their polarized parts.

For a PDF of the exercise, click this link: https://1drv.ms/b/s!ApH0QFAh_aLZhfc-GtVWUVmQDOrMQA?e=OimBDk

To skip past the explanation of the exercise and begin working through the exercise with your polarized parts, go to 9:50 in the video.

For examples of polarizations, go to 10:15 in the video.

To watch me work with Kathleen, go to 20:16 in the video.

To watch me work with Walt, go to 32:50 in the video.

The purpose of this exercise is to learn how to recognize polarized parts and to help them relax so you can respond from Self-leadership.

Sometimes, our parts employ strategies that conflict with the strategies and intentions of other parts.

When their differences create internal conflict and confusion, the result can be overwhelming. Parts that oppose each other to this degree are referred to as polarized parts.

When in a state of conflict and overwhelm, there is no room for the qualities and resources of Self. If you can’t unblend from the influence of these conflicted parts, you will react from the conflict rather than from Self.

For example:
• a people pleasing part and pushing away part
• a financially prudent part and a spending part
• a part that uses addictions to distract and a part that sees addiction as a
weakness
● an approval seeking part and a part that hurts others when attempting to be
funny

Take the following steps to recognize polarizations.

Step 1
Think of a situation when you were highly conflicted. In other words, you felt emotional and found it difficult to make a clear decision or to remain calm. The more recent the better.

For example, George’s wife Anne wanted him to go to a play with him on Sunday afternoon when his favorite football team was playing an important game.

Step 2
Describe the internal conflict.
For example, George felt like he should go to make his wife happy and to prevent her from being upset with him. But he also didn’t want to miss watching the game. When he considered saying yes to the play, he felt upset about missing the game. When he considered saying no to the play and staying home to watch the game, he worried about how Anne would react and was afraid she would be upset with him.

Step 3

Identify the two parts that seemed to have the most at stake in the situation.

For example,
One part wants stay and watch the game.
One part wants to please Anne and go to the play.

Often the opposing parts find that they are both trying to accomplish the same result such as protecting the same burdened exile. By spending time with each of them and getting to know them, they may begin to relax and allow you to lead from Self.

Step 4

A. Ask both parts to relax in turn to allow you to hear from the opposing part without interruption.

a. Consider reviewing the questions you will be asking so that both parts understand what
you are proposing.
B. If either part refuses to relax long enough to allow this, ask:
  a. What is the part concerned about?
  b. Offer reassurance or accommodate the concern if you can. If you cannot, start with the
part that refuses to relax.
C. If both parts agree to allow you to spend time with the opposing part, just pick the one you are drawn to, that you have the most curiosity about, or the one that seems to want to be heard from first. Once you have a part to start with, ask the following questions.
  a. What is important to you about ____________________ (for example, going to the play
or watching the game)
  b. What are you afraid, worried, or concerned about if I don’t do as you wish?
  c. What do you need regardless of what I decide?
  d. If I can address your concerns and meet your needs, would you be able to relax?
D. Ask both parts these questions.

Step 5

If both parts have agreed that they can relax if you address their concerns and meet their needs, take some time to find ways to do this.

If either part refuses to relax regardless of your intention and efforts to help them, recognize that you will need to spend more time with them, learning about their concerns. If this is the case, either ask someone who is trained in the IFS model to help you get to know the part better or refer to one of the other Self-Led Project exercises that are designed to go deeper.

Your Sacred Space

Often, during coaching sessions, I use IFS (Internal Family Systems) to help my clients.When guiding my clients inside to connect with their parts, I suggest that they close their eyes to minimize external distractions.

Going inside helps the client notice what they may not otherwise be aware of. For example I might suggest, "Notice what you are feeling in your body when you think about this challenge. Notice any emotions you have related to the challenge. Notice your thoughts."

Eventually, we settle on one part or a trailhead to pursue.

This connection with parts actually occurs. At first, clients feel funny closing their eyes and being asked to "go inside" or to ask a part a question. But, without any effort at all, most clients can sense a response when they go inside with the intention of learning about one or more of their parts.

"Inside" is such an important place in the IFS model. This is the place in the mind and body of the client where they meet with their parts. This is where they develop relationships with their parts and eventually offer to help them.

This is a Sacred Space.

Recognizing the value of this space, I created two meditations. One for going inside and the other for re-entering the external world.

I've posted them both on YouTube. Here they are.

When you’re ready, go inside.

What do you notice?

This space exists

in the realm of your imagination.

In your inner world, what you imagine exists as reality for you and for your parts.

To spend time here, you only need to pause and shift your conscious attention from out there to in here.

You can modify the look or the feel of this space in any way you wish.

Is there light? If not, would you like there to be light?

Is there anything about the light you would like to change?

This is your sacred space.

This space is where you meet your parts.

Does the space feel comfortable to you?

What, if anything,will you change to make it more comfortable?

This space is where you meet your parts,so it is sacred ground.

What is missing that you would like to add?

What do you want more of?

What do you want less of?

This is your sacred space.

This is where you meet your parts.

Open your eyesand look around.

This is your external environment.

Close your eyes and return to your sacred space. Look around. Are you pleased?

Feel the contrast between your external environment and your sacred space.

Open your eyes and feel your external environment.

Close your eyes, go to your sacred space and feel the contrast.

Open your eyes and return to your external environment.

Now, keepingyour eyes open, go to your sacred space.

Return to this space often.

This is your sacred space.

This is where you can find your power.

This is where you can find your peace.

This is where you can connect with your parts.

 

This is your sacred space.Rumi wrote,

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,there is a field. I’ll meet you there.When the soul lies down in that grass,the world is too full to talk about.Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other” doesn’t make any sense.”

 

This is your sacred space beyond the ideas of right and wrong.

This is the field of connection.

Invite your parts, one at a time.

Then meet them here.

End the meditation and re-enter the external world.

Or remain in your sacred space and spend time with one or more of your parts.

 

Open a period of connection with one or more of your parts using The Sacred Space meditation.  When your Sacred Space session ends, use this closing meditation.

Our time together is coming to a close.

Before leaving your sacred space, acknowledge those parts who have joined you here.

Take a moment to reflect upon what you have learned and what you now appreciate about them.

Recognize those parts who agreed to allow connection with other parts and extend appreciation for their cooperation and support.

Invite your parts to either remain in this sacred space or to join you as you shift your attention now to the external world.

For those who choose to stay,encourage them to make themselves at home until you return.

Before leaving your sacred space, look around one last time.

See who is here.

Notice who is coming with you.

Set an intention to return often to restore your power and peace and to reconnect with your parts.

When it feels right to do so, re-enter the external world.

 

IFS, A Powerful Tool for Personal Development

Bob (not his real name) told me that he wanted to stop working so many hours so he could be present at home and enjoy his family. I asked how many hours he would like to work each week. He wanted the freedom to put in extra time when necessary, but wanted to cut back to no more than ten hours a day, five days a week.

At first, Bob found it difficult to limit his time at work but had been successful in cutting back from 70 to 56 hours the previous week. This gave him a little more time at home, but he was exhausted, not sleeping well, and found it almost impossible to enjoy his family. His mind was still focused on work even while he was home.

IFS (Internal Family Systems) is the most powerful tool in my toolbox. But when I was first trained in the Internal Family Systems model, I wasn’t sure how to use it with clients like Bob. The training showed me how to use IFS to heal the past, but I am a coach and had been taught that healing was outside the realm of my profession.

In my IFS training, I learned that there are parts of us that are unaware that conditions have changed since they first took on roles to help and protect us. For example, if a part decided that picking fights was the best way to protect us when we were young and vulnerable, that part may not know that we are no longer vulnerable and no longer need to pick fights.

Although many of our parts want to help, the help they provide is outdated and no longer relevant to the current conditions. Consequently, these parts remain tethered to the past and distort our view of current circumstances.

I have to admit that when I was first introduced to the IFS model, it seemed a little crazy. How strange to consider that there were parts of me that operated automatically and out of my control!

But some of my thoughts, emotions and behaviors were happening without my permission. And when I tried to control my thinking, feeling, or reacting, I quickly realized I often wasn’t really in charge.

Prior to learning about IFS, I used a process created by Byron Katie that helped my clients examine their beliefs and thoughts. And it worked. My clients were able to make changes in their lives.

When I discoverd IFS in 2016 and realized how powerful it was, I decided to learn more. I began formal training in 2019 and have participated in at least two trainings per year ever since. Now, I use IFS in my own life any time I notice I’m operating from patterns and programming. And I use IFS with almost all my clients.

I used IFS to help Bob discover he had parts that were unaware conditions had improved since he got married 20 years ago. Before they were married, he and his wife agreed that they wanted children. That’s when Bob realized he needed to get serious about finding a better way to support a family. He and his wife moved to a new city and Bob found a better paying job in a new career.

At first, Bob wasn’t good at the new job and worried he would be fired. To avoid this, he put in tons of hours and worked harder than anyone else in the business. His efforts paid off. Bob still works in the same industry and is respected as an expert in the field.

When I first began working with Bob, the parts that helped him in this way were still operating as if nothing had changed. They were unaware that things were no longer as they were when he was struggling financially. These parts didn’t know that financial success had already been achieved. So, under their influence, Bob brought a desperate energy to his work and life.

His children were now teenagers. Bob and his wife owned a nice home and drove newer cars. There was enough money in the bank to weather financial emergencies and to help the kids go to college if they wanted to.

But Bob’s parts were still operating as if Bob might be fired any day, as if the junker he drove might break down, and as if he may not be able to afford food and rent.

I used the IFS model to help Bob update these parts with the current facts and conditions of his life. These parts saw that their efforts were no longer needed. Bob acknowledged and thanked the parts for their contributions to his success.

I then suggested that these parts could still serve him if they wished to. Now, rather than trying to help create security and stability through long hours and hard work, they help Bob leverage what he has learned in his career to explore what is possible beyond the struggle to survive.

Bob reports that he is finding it easier to relax and delegate at work. He no longer works extended hours unless, on rare occasions his team needs his help to meet a deadline. He has more time with his family, and more importantly, has an increased capacity to be present and enjoy his life with his wife and children.

IFS is an important and effective tool in coaching because it helps my clients recognize and address what gets in the way. When combined with other powerful coaching tools, IFS helps my clients discover how to have the lives, careers, relationships, and results they want.

Wherever I Go, There’s My Past

ou’ve probably noticed that, despite bumper sticker wisdom, it’s not so easy to leave the past in the past.

That’s why there are so many people seeking answers from…

• 12 Step programs
• Therapy
• Self-help books
• Retreats, workshops, webinars, and seminars

…and so much more.

It’s not a surprise that so many people have joined us in the personal development. At first, we begin working on ourselves because life isn’t going as well as we think it should. If our efforts to change flounder, we either resign ourselves to the lives we have or find a way to change our circumstances.

Believing we are somehow to blame for our suffering or discouragement, we search for strategies and systems the will fix whatever is wrong with us. 

Some give up, believing they are destined to repeat patterns of dysfunction and suffering for the rest of their lives. They reduce themselves to numbing and distraction.

It can be frustrating to read the self-improvement books, listen to motivational speakers, and dedicate yourself to self-help movements only to find yourself making the same mistakes and feeling the same old familiar disappointment. If what you are doing to develop yourself isn’t making a difference does it mean that you are simply not capable of changing?

In most cases, what we are seeking on our personal development journey is connection. Until we realize that what is causing our pain and dysfunction is disconnection, we could spend the rest of our lives working on ourselves without ever finding the connection we so desperately crave.

After a decades-long search for a path to reconnection, I found it with the IFS model. Let me save you some time and suffering. Look no further than the Internal Family Systems model for a method that works to reconnect to yourself.

With the help of IFS, I learned that I was disconnected from others because I was disconnected from myself.

How, you might wonder, is it possible to disconnect from yourself?

When we think of ourselves as individuals with one mind that is incapable of arguing with itself, it doesn’t seem possible to be disconnected from ourselves.

But, according to the evidence-based Internal Family Systems model, our minds consist of various specialized “parts” which mainly operate outside of conscious awareness. These parts of the mind, when separated from the essence or “Self” of a person attempt to run the show, unaware that there is a Self which is fully capable of running our lives.

Being human means having multiple parts that influence what we believe, how we think and feel, and what we do. This influence is practically constant, and shows up when the circumstances of our lives activate our parts.

Think about the last time you had to make a decision. Very likely, one part influenced you to consider one option while another part influenced you to consider something else. These two influences occurred at the very same time.

Have you ever had the experience, when attempting to manage your time, of being hijacked by the voices in your head? One voice is concerned that you will be late for an appointment while another convinces you that you can get one more thing done before you leave. The second voice wins out and makes you late for your appointment.

When emotional wounding takes place at any time in life, our parts often disconnect from us and take over. Until these parts reconnect with us, they continue to operate from the past as rogue agents in our unconscious inner world, unaware of a core essence which is fully capable of providing wise inner leadership. IFS refers to this essence as Self.

Our capacity to connect with others is in direct proportion to the connection we have ourselves.

I am a Certified IFS Practitioner. Using the Internal Family Systems model, I help my clients reconnect with themselves so they can increase their capacity for connection with others.

The search is over. IFS can help you discover what has been missing and help you restore full connection to yourself and the important people in your life.

Trust and Safety in Coaching

 Coaching doesn’t work without a high level of trust between the client and coach.

In my years as a coach, I have been the least effective when I have failed to earn the trust of the client or have lost that trust in some way. The opposite is also true. When there is a high level of trust between us, the client is comfortable being seen as they are and exploring what is possible.

My job as a coach is to help the client see themselves and their inner world so clearly that their relationship to the external world shifts.

At the beginning of the relationship, the client decides to make some change in themselves or in one or more areas of their life and asks the coach to help them affect that change.

To successfully help the client, the coach must believe they can help. Guided by a set of beliefs regarding the capacity for human beings to change, along with a strategy they employ to help their clients, the coach measures their own confidence regarding their ability to help the client successfully achieve their objectives.

What I believe about the capacity for human beings to change

We are all capable of changing. For change to be sustainable, internal and external constraints must be acknowledged and mitigated or released.

Examples of external constraints are:

1. Clients who are coping with life threatening conditions, trauma, abuse, or neglect.
2. Clients whose social community resists the change such as someone who wants to stop drinking but continues to be influenced by a social pressure to drink.

Examples of internal constraints are:

1. Past trauma, neglect, and abuse that has not been healed
2. Beliefs formed by the outdated past
3. Unconscious bias

 To sustain change, a person must:

1. Have the mental and emotional capacity for change
2. Believe that they can change
3. Be willing to experience the discomfort of change
4. Be curious or interested in themselves

To successfully support my clients as they change, I must:

1. Be willing and able to earn, cultivate, and maintain trust between us
2. Be willing and able to form a workable partnership between us
3. Assume that the client is, has been, and always will be the most qualified expert in their own lives
4. Remember that my job is to help the client achieve their coaching objectives
5. Believe my client is capable of change
6. Believe that my client’s aspirations are worthy of my support
7. Recognize when I have exceeded my capacity to support my client and then either increase my capacity or acknowledge that I have exceeded my capacity to support the client and end the coaching relationship.

And that for my support to be effective, the client must:

1. Be willing and able to develop a trusting relationship with me
2. Be willing and able to develop a trusting relationship with themselves
3. Be willing to take responsibility for their results

My Strategy – How I Help

I use the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model to guide my understanding of the client and their capacity for change. Because I believe that we all have the capacity for love and connection, I watch for anything in my client that doesn’t reflect love and connection. Our essence is love.

Fear cuts us off from our essence and blocks or inhibits connection with ourselves and others. Fear cuts off our access to love.

Love and Connection empower. Fear inspires protective adaptation and is disempowering.

My job as coach is to empower my clients to make and sustain the changes they desire in their lives. To accomplish this, I help my client reclaim power and choice by using the IFS model.

In this way, I help my clients become curious about the parts of themselves that block access to their Essential Selves, referred to in IFS as Self. By getting to know these parts and helping them let go of their outdated ideas and attachment to the past, and by helping the client develop a trusting relationship between Self and their parts, my clients increase their capacity for change.

How Much Do You Trust Yourself?

 Photo by SHVETS production

In my work, I meet a diverse group of people with a broad range of capacity and effectiveness.

At first, I was surprised to find that even highly effective executives and business owners often struggle with self-doubt and insecurity. I guess I was surprised because I assumed that someone who had climbed the ranks of the corporate ladder or who had what it took to run a business must be confident and self-assured.

In many cases, this simply isn’t true. The majority of people I meet struggle with some degree of diminished capacity and effectiveness – because behind the curtain, where only they can see their inner world, live parts of themselves that don’t believe they are competent or capable.

This creates an inner tension between these insecure parts of the psyche and more take-charge and confident parts that present a facade of confidence and expertise – at least most of the time.

So when I tell my clients to trust themselves before they trust anyone else, they like the sounds of my advice. But, deep inside, many of them don’t really believe they can.

And when I suggest that there is no one more qualified than they are to make the important decisions in their lives, they think of all their mistakes and regrets.

It’s no wonder that we often hand-off authority to others. We don’t trust ourselves to get it right so we seek the approval and guidance of others who are far less qualified than we are to know what we are and are not actually capable of. No one else can possibly know what we are up against, what we have survived, and what keeps us up at night.

Advice from a well-meaning friend, a boss, a spouse, a motivational speaker, or even someone who is an expert in their profession or field can’t possibly account for the inner obstacles we face when trying to take that advice.

Most of us have learned to resist our inner tension and force ourselves past it in an effort to be successful – to be admired and to receive approval and praise. But we notice the emptiness of these consolation prizes.

What we truly lack is self-approval. What stands between us and self-trust is far more worthy of our interest and our energy than the pursuit of external accolades. Getting curious about the inner tension creates the possibility of resolving it.  As that happens, an authentic confidence emerges based on Self-trust.

 

How Married are the Values in your Marriage?

 Photo by Ave Calvar Martinez

If you are in a committed and non-abusive relationship and would like to feel more connected to your partner, the following exercise may be for you.

As a relationship develops, each party to that relationship contributes and responds to circumstances from their unconscious conditioning. The past has etched that conditioning into unconscious ways of being over time and automatically influences how we interact with and respond to others.

Most couples don’t consciously compare values, beliefs, assumptions, and expectations before committing to a long-term relationship or marriage. Instead, an unconscious selection process takes place as both parties present what they believe to be their most valuable and lovable selves.

Have you ever taken stock of your values? If you aren’t consciously aware of what values drive you – conscious and unconscious – talking about those values with your relationship partner will be difficult.

In any relationship, each individual’s conditioning including their values bump up against or harmonize with the conditioning and values of the other. So, making what has been unconscious conscious can have a positive impact on the relationship. Whether you are in a new relationship or have been together for decades, it’s never too late to talk about what is important to each of you.

This can be challenging. What if your partner doesn’t like what you tell them? What if your partner tells you something you don’t want to hear? What if you disagree?

If the disharmony of clashing values has never been acknowledged, a tension will exist in the relationship. By illuminating conflicting values, that tension can be eased if both parties in the relationship can approach the conversation with curiosity and compassion.

Take the following steps to identify your values and the values of your partner.

Step 1. Ask your partner to do this exercise and to have this conversation.

Step 2. Click this link for a list of 83 common values.  https://motivationalinterviewing.org/sites/default/files/valuescardsort_0.pdf

Step 3. Separately, without influencing each other, identify your 10 most important values. It may be tempting to identify the values you believe your partner wants you to have. But if this exercise is going to be helpful, it will require that you identify the values that are actually important to you.

Step 4. After you have completed your top 10, identify the top 10 values you believe your partner lives by.

Step 5. Find at least one hour to meet with your partner to compare, clarify, and discuss how you perceive your own values as well as those of your partner.

After having the conversation, answer the following questions.

1. What did you learn about your partner that you didn’t previously realize?

2. What did you learn about yourself that you didn’t previously recognize?

3. What difference will this conversation make for you?

4. What difference do you want this conversation to make for your relationship?