6 Questions to Improve Your Efficiency

 Most of us have a list a mile long of things we HAVE to get done. You probably have tasks in different buckets; housework, business work, family work, extracurricular work, volunteer work. The list goes on. Do you ever feel like your task list is holding you back from getting done the things that really matter? This article will walk you through 6 questions to teach you how to improve your efficiency..

For the sake of argument, let’s say that 80% of your accomplishments are due to 20% of your essential tasks. Does that mean you should get rid of your other 80% of tasks? Maybe.

Take Time To Assess the Situation

It may seem counter-productive to slow down long enough to read an article about being more productive. And even ludicrous to consider that your thinking might have something to do with your productivity, especially if your solution to every challenge is to work harder and longer.

But how much sense does it make to keep turning up the effort dial when you just keep adding more to your list of to-dos? The harder you work, the behinder you get. It’s exhausting! You’ve already read this far, so indulge me at the risk of wasting just a few more minutes in an effort to be more productive.

Task Priority Exercise

First, identify the top three projects that aren’t getting done.

For each project, answer these questions:

1. What is the benefit of getting this project done? If there is little or no benefit to completing the project, why are you doing it? Take it off your list. No need to continue with these questions. If you have determined that the benefit wil be greater than the effort to complete this project, move on to question 2.
2. What does it cost you to have this project incomplete? If there is no cost in having the project incomplete, should it even be on your list? Take it off your list. But if it costs you too much to leave it incomplete, proceed to question 3.
3. What are the steps to getting this done? Write down everything that will need to happen to complete the project. Then put these in order.
4. By when will you take each of these steps? Give yourself a deadline for each step.
5. By when will you complete this project? Give yourself a deadline for the project.
6. Don’t keep your intentions a secret. Tell someone what you are up to. Who will you ask to hold you accountable to these commitments?

Now you have a plan and accountability. This will help you become more productive in less time. Review your plan every day to support your success.

If you take the time to do this for each of your top projects, you will become far more aware of the actual value and importance of these projects. This clarity will give you access to the internal motivation and energy needed to take purposeful action. Rather than feeling burdened by a list of what you must do, you will have a sense of purpose as you take the steps toward success.

How to Attract What you Want

You’ve probably heard of the Law of Attraction which asserts that you attract into your life what you are focused on. If you are focused on success, you will be successful. 

Do you want to lose weight? Then focus on having a lighter body. By focusing on being miserable, you will be miserable. 

This article challenges your beliefs and explains how a change in mindset can get the Law of Attraction to work in your favor so you can begin to attract what you want.

If you watch your thoughts, you will notice that your mind goes to what you have and what you have had, to what you are experiencing or have experienced, and to what you don’t want but can’t seem to stop getting.

You are programmed to focus on these thoughts automatically. They just keep looping.

Unless you change those programmed expectations, the automatic-ness of it takes over and  attracts just what you have been getting – just what you expect to keep getting.

So, The Law of Attraction doesn’t work. Right? So it seems.

What if you could change your program? How would you do that?

The program I’m referring to is a set of beliefs. The only way past a belief is through it.

Not by avoiding it. 

For example, go through the belief, “bad things happen to me.”

When that is the lens through which you view life, (if that is what you automatically focus on) you will see only evidence that it’s true. So, you get to be right. 

The Thought that Saved you Rules your Kingdom

When you crown a thought as the truth, it takes over. Since it lives in you like the truth, you start building a life around it. You feed it, clothe it, keep it warm, protect it. Ultimately, you become its servant.

At some point, the thought was the best explanation you could come up with for the messed-upped-ness of life. The thought saved you by giving you some hope and a sense of control. 

That’s what we do when life rolls over us. We get scared and try to find something to hold on to. Something we can use to help us get back up again. Why did it happen in the first place? Why did I get rolled over? Oh, because I wasn’t paying enough attention and because I didn’t realize that bad things happen to me if I don’t pay attention. Now I know. Bad things happen to me.

So you start paying more attention. You become watchful. Vigilant. Careful. Life becomes a chess game, and you are three moves ahead of it. Then, when life serves up that bad thing – when the steamroller comes by again, you are able to avoid it. But in avoiding that bad thing you saw coming, you step into the path of that bus you didn’t see coming. Which proves you were right. Bad things happen to you unless you pay even more attention. Take fewer risks and don’t trust anyone. Make yourself a smaller target.

Challenging Your Truths

Time for a de-throning. Just seeing that you are the servant of the thought begins to loosen the grip of the tyrant. But the thought is true…right?

What if it’s not even true? Sure – the thought helped you survive when it first came to you.  But was it ever actually true? You believed it was. It was your best guess to explain what happened. Time to look again. Is it true now? Today? In this moment? What if you could break out of your self-imposed prison? Who would you be in your life if you didn’t believe that bad things happen to you?

What if you started looking for evidence that “bad things happen to me” isn’t the truth? Could you find proof that good things happen to you? Like being supported. How are you supported, right now, at this moment?

Gravity. It’s holding you to the planet. Our home is a ball in the sky which is traveling 67,000 miles per hour and spinning at a rate of 450 meters per second. Why aren’t you getting flung off of the planet? Your friend, gravity is supporting you.

Then there's oxygen. It’s free. And the earth’s atmosphere holds 20.9% of it. All you have to do is breath it. And if you are in good health, your body is doing that for you.

It looks like there is some evidence that good things happen to you.

What’s good? What’s bad? Look at what you think. What have you crowned as the truth? What prison have you built for yourself?

How To Attract Something Different in Life

To attract something different than what you have been getting, change the lens through which you view life. Just painting over rust doesn’t change anything. You still have a rust problem. It just looks better for a while.

Thinking positive thoughts doesn’t change what you believe. And what you believe forms the lens through which you view life. Maybe there’s more to this whole Law of Attraction thing than you previously thought.

To change a belief, notice your thoughts about what is happening in your life. Look around and look at life as it is for you. If there is rust, own it. Now, what are your judgments when you notice the rust? Those judgments are the thoughts that you think. And unless you question those thoughts, you will believe them.

Your judgments about the reality of your life create that reality.

I’ve looked around for years and have not been able to find an “off” button for judgment. I can’t just shut it off. I judge. We judge. Our judgments are clues; symptoms of our beliefs. Let’s start there. To change a belief, list your judgments, your interpretations, your stories about the rust in your life. Creating these lists will begin to cut the rust out. When you see that what you have believed is just an interpretation of what is happening, space is created for reality to show up as it is.

So you aren’t changing a belief. You are exposing it as the fraud it is and setting yourself free from all you do in your life to accommodate it. Freedom. What do you do with that?

Are you ready to change your beliefs and mindset to attract more freedom into your life to be the person you deserve to be? Clear away the cobwebs of dread and start thinking about your ideal life. 

Challenge your thoughts and beliefs. Are they even true?

Two of my preferred methods for changing thoughts and beliefs are The Work of Byron Katie and the Internal Family Systems model (IFS). 

To learn more about The Work of Byron Katie, go to www.TheWork.com

To learn more about IFS, go to www.IFS-Institute.com

 

How to Get Unstuck

 I felt stuck. I was miserable. Nothing was going right and I didn’t have hope that it ever would. My best-laid plans fail to achieve the desired results. If it turns out there is a hell, I think it will look a lot like the life I was living about 20 years ago. Fortunately, I don’t live there anymore. I learned how to challenge and change the mindset that had me so stuck.

I have successfully transformed as the result of doing growth mindset work. I struggled with jobs, relationships, parenting, money, self-esteem, faith, judgment, and mostly fear. My opinion of myself depended upon the view of those closest to me. I was a mess. I had already been sober and clean for 18 years. But I was recently divorced, struggling in a new career and felt powerless, lost, and confused.

Blame Doesn’t Fix Life

I blamed myself, the economy, the people I worked with, my neighbors, and my second wife for my unhappiness. I just wanted to feel better, to get some relief. Surprisingly, I didn’t consider drinking again. I was re-engaged with my recovery program but found it lacking. I had begun a meditation practice but couldn’t sit still. In fact, paying that much attention to my thoughts was driving up my anxiety instead of making it better.

I would make up reasons to explain why nothing in my life was working. I placed blame where it didn’t belong. I thought blame would make me feel better, but quickly learned it didn’t.

In 2002 a friend and I drove to Seattle to check out Byron Katie. It was a profound turning point in my life. Overnight, “The Work” caught fire inside of me. I realized I had believed my thoughts without question. I had been reacting to every thought as if it were true. No wonder I had been so hot and cold, so up and down! No wonder I blamed, felt like a victim and had no power in my life.

Stories and Judgments Cause Suffering

I resisted the idea that my judgments were causing my suffering. I was convinced that my misery was caused by the circumstances in my life. You would be unhappy too if you had my problems! Or so I thought.

I learned to separate the facts from my thoughts or “stories” about the circumstances in my life. Becoming aware of my own thoughts was a new skill that took a while to develop. Because my thinking had been so automatic, I was rarely aware of my thoughts. Once I began to see my own stories and judgments and compare them to what was actually, factually happening in my life, I saw the true cause of my suffering. I began to change and grow as a result of this awareness. Gradually, I developed a growth mindset because I had become aware of the difference between my stories and reality; between my thoughts and the facts.

A Growth Mindset – Beyond the Power of Positive Thinking

Slowly, I began to accept that it wasn’t what was happening in my life that caused me to suffer. It was what I thought about what was happening in my life that determined what I felt and how I reacted to life. I began to see that I was responding to my view of reality – not to reality itself.

I had always resisted “positive thinking” as phony, inauthentic. “At least I am real” I would proudly think. Not like those phony people. Positive thinking seemed disingenuous, and I didn’t want to be a part of it.

Questioning my thinking and having a growth mindset is not about painting over rust. It is far more than merely thinking positive thoughts. I experienced a change as I disarmed thoughts that had never been questioned. And in that change I found clarity, peace, power and access to wisdom. and in the absence of blame and complaint, positive thinking emerged naturally.

Accepting Responsibility Means Accepting Power

By using suffering as my cue to do The Work, I began to transform. I saw what I had never seen. I accepted responsibility for how I felt, what I did, and for the results I created. How thrilling to experience the flow of power into my daily life!

This transformation has not been a straight line from hell to heaven. There have been many setbacks. For a long time, I automatically believed that circumstances had to change for me to be happy. This still happens. I still want to play the victim sometimes. I still want to indulge in the delusion that I have no power and that life is happening to me. As strange as it seems. there are times that I still want to suffer. Perhaps you, too want to enjoy a tantrum as you go through the personal growth that taking full responsibility for your life brings about.

Life is not heaven now, but it isn’t the hell that it was 15 years ago. I have successfully transformed. I barely recognize myself and my life. I get to do what I want to do. I love what I have, who I am, and who and what is in my life. When I don’t love what is I am willing to do my growth mindset work.

5 Steps To Improve Self-Esteem and Increase Confidence

Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough? We’ve all been there at one point or another. Throughout  life, your sense of self-worth or self-esteem shapes who you become. Believing you’re not good enough impacts your behaviors and decisions. If you had the opportunity to improve your self-esteem and achieve more in life, would you take it?  In this article I give you 5 steps to improve your self esteem and increase your confidence.

A lack of self-esteem – the belief that you’re not good enough – changes how you perceive the world. You may fear being taken advantage of; being picked on, not listened to, not hired, or not loved. That one hits me like a ton of bricks. The concept that you’re not good enough to be loved. Oomph.

If you believe, “I’m not enough,” then you have to put a lot of energy and effort into overcoming how believing this feels. You may work hard to be more and better, proving that you are enough with an endless list of strategies, compensations, and accommodations. You try to somehow convince yourself that you are good enough. You try to improve your self-esteem so you can have the life you want.

Who Says You’re Not Good Enough?

Who says you’re not good enough? You may not like this, but the answer is you. Only you. You may have had a lot of help and accumulated a lot of evidence to back up your self-judgment. But ultimately you decided; whether your version is I’m not tall enough, smart enough, attractive enough, talented enough, funny enough, likable enough, trusting enough, or faithful enough. Perhaps you think, I’m too short, too dumb, too ugly, too lame, too dull, too quiet, too loud, too trusting, too gullible, too insecure, too needy. No matter who told you these things, no matter how much proof you think you have, you decided it was true.

When you decided “I’m not good enough” was true, it gave you some hope. Hope that you could somehow change, improve or correct yourself. Hope that you could do something about not being good enough. If you could do something about it, then you might not ever have to feel the pain that the lack of self-esteem you’re feeling is causing. Have you judged yourself as fat and tried to be thin enough, hoping that losing weight would fix your low self-esteem. Have you judged yourself as stupid and tried to get smarter? As weak and tried to get stronger? As a coward and tried to appear brave?

Here’s why putting a band-aid on the problem won’t help your self-esteem. As long as you believe you’re too this or not enough that, you won’t be able to do enough, change enough, improve enough, grow enough, hide enough, overcome enough, or accomplish enough to improve your self-esteem.

It’s not you that needs to change. It’s what you believe about yourself. And until you change what you believe about yourself, you will continue to employ whatever strategy you can to minimize the consequences of your assumed beliefs.

How To Make a Permanent Change To Improve Your Self-Esteem

The Breakdown

Let’s start with this idea: A belief is a thought, a concept. A belief may or may not be an accurate thought or concept. When beliefs are inaccurate, they hurt. Believing a thought that doesn’t match reality, according to the transformational icon Byron Katie, creates suffering in the form of disempowering emotions. A belief is a thought that explains your experiences so well that you use it often. After using a thought frequently enough, the brain turns the thought into a habit.

A belief is a thought habit. Beliefs live in our sub-conscious as the “truth.” Beliefs about ourselves that may not be true destroy your confidence and are a breeding ground for negative self-esteem and destructive self-talk.

Steps To Change a Belief and Improve Your Self-Esteem for a Better Life

Step 1. Identify the belief.

Beliefs exist in your subconscious, so you’re going to have to go looking for them. You will find beliefs hiding behind you predominant thoughts. Thoughts are much easier than beliefs to identify, so start there.  For example, if I am concerned about what someone thinks of me my thoughts might be, “He doesn’t like me” or “She doesn’t approve.” Notice your thoughts and write them down. Brace yourself. This exercise may be mentally and emotionally challenging to do. However, this is only step one. Know there is more to be done to help you through the exercise.

Step 2: Find Proof of the Thought

Then ask, “If this thought is true, what does it prove?” What it (apparently) proves is what you believe. Here are some examples.

• Thought: “He doesn’t like me.” If it’s true that he doesn’t like me, that proves, I’m not likable. The belief is “I’m not likable.”
• Thought: “I didn’t deserve the promotion.” If it’s true that I didn’t deserve the promotion it proves I’m not smart enough. The belief is “I’m not smart enough.”
• Thought: “He didn’t call because he doesn’t like me.” If it’s true that he didn’t call because he doesn’t like me, it proves I’m not pretty enough. The belief is “I’m not pretty enough.”
• Thought: “She doesn’t approve.”  If it’s true that she doesn’t approve, then it proves I’m too shallow. The belief is “I’m too shallow.”

Step 3. Challenge the belief

Now that you have identified your belief, let’s start to dissect it. And while you’re at it, check out the thoughts that exposed your beliefs. Notice how it feels to think and believe these thoughts. If it is painful to think about, you’re onto something. It’s not what is happening that hurts. It’s what you think about what is happening that hurts.

Let’s look at the first example above. If you believe, “I’m not likable” what proof do you have? If it’s true that you’re not likable, then it wouldn’t be possible for anyone to like you. Can you absolutely know that nobody likes you? Of course not – not if you are willing to be honest and look at reality. Then notice the impact that this belief has on you. How do you feel with you believe it? What do you do when you believe it? Byron Katie says that any time we believe a thought that argues with reality we suffer. Do you suffer when you believe this thought? If so, there is a very good chance that it argues with reality – that it’s not true.

Once you’ve challenged the belief, let’s move onto step four, so we can continue working through the exercise.

Step 4. What would change if you didn’t believe it?

Imagine that you can’t think the thought or believe the belief. What would change? How would you feel and act? Your thoughts and beliefs about what is happening are just concepts to explain what is happening – your “story” about what is happening.

Using one of the examples above, let’s say you have a supervisor who didn’t give you a promotion and now you’ve noticed he’s acting differently towards you. Naturally, you’ll start to make up all sorts of “stories” for why this might happen. You may think you’re not working enough hours. Maybe you’re not communicating enough. He must like your co-worker more, right? Or maybe this just proves that you aren’t smart enough.

By honestly examining these thoughts, they go away. This leaves you to focus on the things you do well, on what is really important to you. Without disempowering stories about what is happening, your self-esteem will naturally improve in the workplace as well as in every other part of your life. Without your story, what is happening won’t hurt.

Without the thought, “I didn’t get the promotion because I’m not smart enough”, who would you be in the very same circumstance? Would it change how you interact with your supervisor? Would it change how he interacts with you? Would you have more courage to ask him why you’ve noticed a shift in how he’s acting towards you?

Step 5. Try to find other possible ways to explain what is happening that may actually be true

When you challenge your disempowering beliefs, you begin to see what you couldn’t see before. You may see other obvious explanations for what has occurred. You will find it easier to take responsibility for what has and hasn’t happened. You will feel empowered and encouraged to take actions that reflect the truth, reality.

Will this process change a belief? Yes, eventually. Since a belief is a thought habit, changing a belief requires that you break the habit. If you challenge the legitimacy of your thoughts and beliefs every time you are angry or anxious, the belief won’t be so believable. Eventually, there will be enough holes in your belief that it will disintegrate. Breaking the pattern of false, disempowering beliefs will change how you feel about yourself. This process will to improve your self-esteem and give you confidence.

When disempowering thoughts and beliefs disappear, what shows up in their place is amazing!

This exercise can be difficult to go through on your own because it can be emotionally and mentally challenging. If you would like me to help you to go through this exercise and learn how to improve your self-esteem for a better life, schedule a free consultation with me. As a coach, I’m here to help you, and I believe improving your self-esteem naturally increases confidence and is one of the best ways to live the life you want! Contact me today to set up a time to talk.

 

Acting The Part

 This morning, I was inspired with an idea and asked my wife, Kathy to help me. I asked her if she could think of a time when I was upset.  She reminded me of trying to get technical help over the phone from someone in India. That reminded me of something that happened yesterday. Which lead to my insight about acting the part.

The Scenario

I’ve been having trouble with the scanner on my printer for the past few days. I had some time yesterday between appointments to do some organizational work and needed to use the scanner. I deleted all the software for the scanner and reloaded it.  It still wasn’t working. I thought about all the time I was wasting and felt extremely impatient and frustrated. Before re-enacting a scene from Office Space and taking out my frustrations on the printer, I decided to attempt one more fix.

Calls for Help

But I was interrupted by a text from my 25-year old daughter who has recently started a headband business. She sent picture of a letter that she got from the Department of Revenue and asked what it meant. As soon as I saw the text, my level of stress went up. I didn’t want to deal with her problem so I ignored her request at first. After more texts from her, I tried to disqualify myself as a problem-solving resource. She ignored my attempts to reject her requests for help and continued to ask questions. Finally, she called me.

Hearing the Answer

I answered with a tone inferring my irritation and unwillingness to help. But she ignored or failed to notice my passive communication and continued to express her growing distress, fear and desperation. After just a minute on the phone with her, I noticed my mood. I felt angry and impatient toward her. I then remembered that I had prayed earlier in the day for the willingness to help and serve.

Reminded of my intention for the day, my energy shifted immediately, and I was able to happily help her without impatience. My entire attitude changed. I suddenly felt inspired and was able to help solve her problem. After the call, my improved attitude was still intact.

Changing My Thoughts with a Little Help

My context had shifted the moment I remembered my intention and prayer. Although it felt like magic, it wasn’t.  My feelings changed because my thoughts changed. It is very hard for me to change my thinking. Maybe even impossible. So I pray, “God direct my thinking.”  I set intentions for who and how I want to be in my life and then ask for help to pull it off.  If you’re reading this and thinking I’m nuts you may be right.  It wasn’t that long ago that I thought people who leaned on God were weak and stupid.  But then I started trying it out and I’m accumulating overwhelming evidence that something happens when I pray.

Whether God changed my thinking or my my intentional conscious focus changed it, I really don’t know.  But it ain’t broke so why fix it?

Acting the Part – The Exercise

If the scene I just described were a scene in a play and you were the actor, you may be able to act out my part if you understood the context for my actions. If you could think what I thought, you would feel what I felt and could authentically act out the part. That is what happened this morning with Kathy. She did a great job acting out my part as I played the director, giving her more context until she got my part just right.

Setting Up Your Scene

Try it yourself. Think of an upsetting circumstance from your past as if it were a scene in a play.  Imagine that someone else is playing your part in the scene. How did you feel and react when it occurred? What would they need to know to convincingly play the part? You are the director of the play and you really want the actor to get it right. What context would the actor need to think what you thought, feel what you felt and authentically react as you reacted?

To provide that context, you would have to be aware of the motivation for the reaction you had in the circumstance before you could report it. You would have to tell them what you thought, what you believed, how you perceived the story leading up to the scene, how you felt, what you said and what you did.

The Exercise in Motion

Remember how you felt and how you reacted when it occurred.  Is there someone in your life who would be willing to be the actor in your play?

Ask them to act out your part in the scene. Give them their lines.  “Here’s the setup, here’s what happens, here’s what you are thinking and feeling and this is what you say and what you do.”   Ask them to act it out. When they don’t get it just right, cut the scene.  “Cut!”  Then, give them more context.  “What I forgot to tell you is that this or that happens. You think this, feel this, say and do this.”  Ask them to act it out again.  “Take two.”

Have fun with it. Notice that your actor can’t react the way you reacted without thinking what you thought and feeling what you felt and without knowing the story as you saw it at the time. Notice how much directing they need to help them get it just right.

Your Circumstance Determines Your Experience

If another person in the same circumstance wouldn’t react just as you did, feel how you felt and think what you thought unless you direct them, it should now be clear. It’s not the circumstance that causes your reaction. It is how you view the circumstance that determines your experience.

Notice that the circumstance in my story didn’t change. I still have a scanner that doesn’t want to work. My daughter still had the Department of Revenue to deal with. What changed was how I viewed the circumstance. Once again it has been confirmed. It’s what I think about what happens that determines my experience of it.

Changing Your Thinking Changes How You Experience Life

To change how you experience life, you will need to change your view of life.  Does your present context serve you?  Is your experience of life empowering or disempowering?

By exposing the context behind your reactions, you may notice a shift in both your context and your reactions.  But more exploration and practice may be required to permanently shift your context.

Get Off the Emotional Roller Coaster

 I was inspired to write this article by an experience which lead to gaining a new and different perspective. Once a week, I facilitate The Work of Byron Katie for 90 minutes. This is a free coaching group for anyone who wants to participate.  During this week’s session, I got a little stuck and caught myself trying to convince a participant to view a circumstance from a different perspective.  Participants use The Work to investigate their own thinking  and often discover a new perspective. My job as facilitator is to ask questions to help them make that discovery on their own.

A Different Perspective

When reflecting about where I got stuck, I thought of a new question to ask.  “Would anyone in the circumstance that triggered the thought you are now investigating, feel and react the same way you did?”  As I considered the thought that my client was investigating, I saw that others would only feel and react the same way if they had the same context – if they had the same beliefs, thoughts and view of the circumstance.

Our Emotional Roller-Coaster Rides

According to Dr. C. George Boeree, the emotional nervous system, made up of the limbic and autonomic nervous systems provides a built-in feedback system to help us respond if we perceive that our survival is in jeopardy. Getting upset may be a response to this system which is highly effective in signaling us when our sense of security is threatened.

Our sense of security can be threatened if we lose our balance while riding a bicycle, when we get too near the edge of a tall building, when being attacked or when we imagine a potential threat such as a low balance in our checking account or strange behavior by our spouse. For most of us, the survival response in the emotional nervous system is triggered most often when we imagine a threat.  Once we know how to recognize these false alarms, we can learn ways to turn off the false signals and return to a sense of peace and security.

Emotional Signals: True or False

Typically, a true signal from the emotional nervous system will pass quickly.  The signal should get our attention and send resources to the parts of our bodies that are needed to react to the threat.  Once the threat is mediated, the signal passes and we can return to a calm state.  Think of the deer who gets startled and runs away.  The deer soon returns to grazing or resting, once the perceived danger has passed.

A false signal occurs when our thinking convinces our bodies that we are in danger.  Like the deer, we become alarmed and react with one of the three basic survival responses: fight, flight or freeze.  But unlike a real threat which rarely persists, false threats cannot be mediated because they don’t actually exist.  Unless the thinking that raised the alarm is changed, the bell keeps ringing.

Those of us who have experienced addiction, who are from dysfunctional families, in abusive relationships, and in any other emotionally unhealthy environment may experience a constant barrage of false survival signals. Response to these conditions drains our resources and trains the brain to create and expect more of the same. In this diminishing and disempowering cycle, positive change and growth is stunted if not stopped.

Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster

To break this cycle, you must recognize it. With awareness, the grip of the cycle loosens, making it possible to interrupt and override the false signals that get the disempowering cycle started.

What starts a false signal?  It often appears that a particular circumstance causes the disempowering cycle.  But if that were true, then everyone who found themselves in this circumstance would be upset.  Why is it that two people can be faced with the same circumstance and react differently?  This is answered when playing out the director/actor exercise described in my article, “Acting the Part”.

Taking Your Power Back

While the circumstance can serve as a trigger, it is our perception of the circumstance that gets the cycle started.  Focus your conscious attention on your perception of the circumstance.  Notice that your beliefs, judgments and intentions determine your reaction to the circumstance.  If you aren’t happy with your reaction, challenge your thoughts and beliefs and reset your intention.  This will enable you to get off the roller coaster and get a new perspective where you will be able to see and access power, inspiration, peace, motivation and wisdom.

Challenging your thoughts and beliefs can be, well, challenging.  The Work of Byron Katie offers an efficient process for doing just that.  To learn more about The Work, go to www.TheWork.com where you will find free resources to help you.

Is Fear Keeping You From Making a Change?

I spoke with a client last week whose current employer had made it difficult for her to stay. She had been working under increasing pressure to perform under impossible circumstances. Her well-being and family life had suffered and she was on her way to a major breakdown.

My client was concerned about her financial security and wanted to find the next position quickly so she wouldn’t have a break in her income. She had begun to think she was not capable of the kind of position that would compensate her at the same level she had grown accustomed to. She had begun to see herself as a fraud.

I suggested that a coaching session to help her get complete with her thoughts and feelings about her current position may free her up to make a powerful and informed decision. Before she gave notice to her employer and began a new job search, she scheduled a coaching session.

At the end of the conversation, she no longer doubted herself. In fact, she took 100% responsibility for what had happened in her current position. Her fear that she was not capable – that she had overestimated her value was replaced with calm clarity about what she had to offer, what she needed to work on, and what she wanted in her next position.

I spoke with her a few days later. She had given notice to her employer, had posted her resume and had been contacted by three legitimate companies who were interested in talking with her. One of them flew her in for an interview. She expects an offer in the next few days that will meet or exceed her expectations.

Are you staying in a job because you’re afraid you won’t find anything better? A coaching conversation can help move you from insecurity, confusion, anxiety and fear to an empowering mindset of clarity.

 

6 Steps to Get Past the Voice in Your Head

 The appointment was set for 9:00 AM. First impressions are important. This was to be our first connection. I called the number the prospect provided but it was the wrong number. I was prepared for this call. I allowed plenty of time. Had the phone number in front of me and dialed it at 9:00. When I realized it was a bad phone number …

What would you do?

Here’s what I did and here is what happened.

When I realized that it was a bad phone number, I sent him a Linkedin message. The message read, “When I dialed the number you provided, I realized it was the wrong phone number. Please call me at xxx-…” Then I checked out his profile and his website where I found his correct phone number – off by one digit.   It was 9:06. I was 6 minutes late for our 9:00 AM appointment. 

My thoughts and feelings were mixed. “I should have checked his website first so I was sure that I had his correct phone number. He is probably angry that I didn’t call him at 9. We’re getting off to a bad start. I should probably just let this one go. Live and Learn.”

I also thought, “I can’t know what his thoughts and feelings are. I need to follow up until I reach him so that the door can open or close to our new relationship. I have a lot to offer this guy and I will never know if he wants what I have for him if we don’t connect.” I called and he didn’t answer so I left him a message asking him to call me or to set up another time when we could talk.

As I was pondering my next step, the phone rang and it was my prospect. He was embarrassed, apologetic and relieved that we still had a chance to connect. The call went great and we set up a follow up call for the next week.

I think we can all agree that follow up is crucial to success. We all know it but how many of us execute efficient and effective follow up?  What stops us from continuing to follow up until we get a chance to offer our solution to the prospect’s problem?

Follow up works when it is done in a genuine, authentic way. Not to sell. To discover. Discover your prospect. Their pain, their problems, what is important to them. Learn enough about them to find out for yourself if what you offer is a real solution for them. They may not be a good fit for what you offer. You may not be a good fit for what they need.

But if you don’t connect and communicate with the prospect, you will never know. And they will never get to decide if what you offer works for them.

Before I hired a coach, I let my fear run me. Coaching showed me that I can’t believe everything I think. In fact, if I blindly follow each thought, I will have zero success. That fear-based voice in my head is doing a great job protecting me from getting hurt – and preventing me from having the life and business I want if I listen to it.

I have a client who named her fear voice Jo Jo.  When Jo Jo is talking, my client recognizes the voice now because she gets scared. Before she realized that Jo Jo wasn’t telling the truth, my client believed everything Jo Jo said and got stopped.   Now that she has learned to question her thinking, to be deliberate and intentional about her thoughts, Jo Jo isn’t so loud, so dominant, so stifling. And my client doesn’t get stopped.

Here are 6 steps to getting past the voice of fear in your head.

1.   Notice when you begin to experience fear, stress and anxiety.

2.   Ask, “What are the thoughts I am entertaining that I feel this fear, this stress, this anxiety?”

3.   Ask, “Are these thoughts valid? Is there really anything to be afraid of?”

4.   Get clear about your intention. Why are you doing what you are doing?

5.   Decide what is more important: Staying safe or getting the result that you intend?

6.   Get back into action and guard your thoughts. Indulge only those thoughts that empower you to move in the direction of your intentions.