Shed the Shoulds

As a mindset coach, I listen for language which provides the clues about what drives a person or what impedes them.  For those of us who are building and running businesses, there is nothing more important than the mindset behind our language.

Our language reflects our values, our fears, and the rules we have made for ourselves.  For example, I had a conversation this morning with a client who told me that she was frustrated and wanted to figure out how to get business without having to make herself do what she doesn’t want to do. 

I asked her what she has done in the past to get business.  She listed, among other activities, networking.  I asked her how much business she got from networking.  Her answer was “none."

"How much time," I asked "do you spend networking?"   "Three hours per week."

I asked, “Do you enjoy networking?” 

She answered, “No, but if I want to build my business I should network.”

“Did you hear yourself just now?” I asked.  Silence.  Then she answered, “Ya. I don’t get any business from networking but because I think I should network, I spend three hours a week networking.  I don’t enjoy it but I drag my body to these events, survive them for an hour or so and go home feeling like sh*#.”

“What would you like to spend those three hours doing instead every week?” 

“Anything.  I’d be spending time with my son and my husband.  I would be finishing that online course I started.”

After about 20 minutes, as I took notes, she listed several things she has enjoyed doing in the past that have worked and a few ideas that she hasn’t had time to implement.  We went over the list and I asked her what she would do over the next 30 days with each item.  When we were finished, she was energized and enthused.“So why am I spending all of this time networking?”

“Because you believed someone when they told you that to build a business you have to network.  The facts don’t happen to agree in your case.”

“What if I stopped spending these three hours a week networking and started doing things I haven’t had time for but would enjoy doing to build my business?”

I listen for words like should and shouldn’t, can’t, have to and need to, to help my clients shift their mindset from their disempowering rules, beliefs and fears to empowering values and truths.

Listen to your own language.  What disempowering language do you use that reflects beliefs and fears that are preventing you from getting the results you want?  

What could happen if you Shed the Shoulds?

Questions and Answers from Your Self

That nagging fear that just won’t leave you alone.  That anxiety that takes you out.  The anger that flashes at the most inconvenient moments.  The sadness you feel that doesn’t seem to be related to anything that makes any sense.  That sudden joy when things go your way.  That feeling of love or appreciation that lights up your heart.  That non-authorized face leaking. 

These feelings are all signals from your body in response to how you answer your own internal questions.

Each time you think or speak a question your subconscious provides an answer.  Because the answer comes from your subconscious, you are probably not aware that you are answering your own question.  What you probably notice first is the feeling: your body’s feedback.

If you pay attention to your body, you may notice that your body is instantly aware of your answer.  Your body gives you feedback in the form of feelings and body sensations.  If your body likes your answer, you will get feedback that feels empowering.  If your body doesn’t like your answer, you will get feedback that feels disempowering.

As an example, consider the following exchange with a coaching client.

Client:  I’m freaking out about money.

Coach:  Tell me about it.  Let me hear the thoughts that have you freaking out.

Client:  I am doing a refinance to pay off debt because money is so tight.  I need the refinance to close as soon as possible but for that to happen, we need to have an appraisal.  I’ve got to pay up front for the appraisal and that means I will have to rearrange bills so I can pay it.  My husband has a 25-year old vehicle that we’ve got to replace and I’m depending on the refinance to get the money to buy another car.  We’re leaving for vacation and I’m afraid we can’t afford it.  I’m worried that worrying about money will take me out and I won’t continue to build my business.  And there is a lot we need to do to get ready for the appraisal which is supposed to happen in a few days.

Coach:  How does it feel to think all those thoughts?

Client:  I feel panicked.

Coach:  What is it that you are afraid will happen?

Client:  What if this doesn’t work?

Coach:  How are you answering that question in your thoughts?

Client:  I’m not –  what question – oh - I’m trying to ignore those thoughts and the panic.  I just want them to go away.

Coach:  Apparently your body is noticing your thoughts.  Notice what is happening in your body when you think the thoughts that answer the question, “What if this doesn’t work?”.  Where are your emotions on the Emotometer when you think those thoughts?

Client: -9     (-10 is the worse you can feel and +10 is the best you can feel)

Coach:  So apparently your body is reacting to your answer to the question, “What if this doesn’t work?”.  What is the internal answer to “What if this doesn’t work” that your body is reacting to?

Client: (closing her eyes) If this doesn’t work, we will lose the house and the boat.  We will live under a bridge.  The business isn’t going to work.  This refinance is just another band-aid.  I’m stupid.  No matter how hard I try, nothing works out.  I’m never going to get what I want. 

Coach: It makes sense that you feel so bad, given those answers.  Those answers come from one voice that you are currently listening to.  Are there any other opinions in there that are answering this question?

Client: Yes. 

Coach: What does that voice have to say?  How does that voice answer the question, “What if this doesn’t work?”

Client:  If it doesn’t work, we’ll figure something out.  I have projects and goals.  I have 3 or 4 potential clients to talk with this week.  I added 20 people to my private Facebook group and sent out 20 requests for “explore” calls for my business, I have a budget, I will be able to catch my budget back up when the refinance closes, I’m joining a new networking group and will join the chamber using money from the refinance where I will have more opportunities for potential clients for my business.   I have a brand-new client group that started last week where I knocked it out of the park.  I’m really good at what I do.  If it doesn’t work, we will be just fine.

Coach:  How does it feel to think those thoughts.

Client: +10

Coach:  That’s quite a swing.  With the first voice, you felt -9.  With the second voice you felt +10.  Does the 2^nd voice seem as true as the first voice?

Client:  More true.

Coach:  So from +10, how would you address each of the concerns you stated at the beginning of this conversation?  Let’s go through them, one by one.

Coach:  You have to pay for the appraisal up front and you don’t have the money.

Client:  I will review and address my budget temporarily.

Coach: Your husband has a 25-year old vehicle that you need to replace and you’re depending on the refinance.

Client:  I’m not going to worry about the vehicle until after the refinance is complete.

Coach: You’re leaving for vacation and you’re afraid that you can’t afford it.

Client: I will ask my husband to see if he can get the check early that otherwise won’t show up until after we leave for vacation.

Coach: You’re worried that your worry about money will take you out and you won’t continue to build your business. 

Client:  I will do my thought work and stay empowered so that I can take the actions needed to build my business.

Coach:  There is a lot that you need to do to get ready for the appraisal.

Client:  I will schedule my time to work on the house for the appraisal and work on the business.

Apparently, her body liked the second answer much better than the first.  From this new positive (and believable) answer she was empowered, focused and clear in the same circumstance.  For each of the worries she initially stated from her disempowered position, she identified actions she would take from an empowered place, none of which were inauthentic.

Before this conversation, the client was not aware of her internal subconscious dialogue.  

But she took a few moments to acknowledge the feedback her body was providing.  She identified  her internal question and how she was answering that question.  She noticed her body's feedback to her answers.  She also found an empowering internal voice and told that story.  And in a  very short time frame, she was able to shift her perspective. 

She moved the dialogue from subconscious to conscious where she could be in choice about where to focus her conscious attention.

Sometimes the dissenting voice is so strong that it is not willing to give ground.   This is the voice of survival and is designed to keep you safe.   If you can negotiate some space with that voice for another opinion or view, you may notice that there is another voice of wisdom.  If you can access this voice, you will find the power to create the life you want.  Creating a life you don't already have requires a much more expansive energy than the restrictive and constricted energy of fear and survival.

To get into that empowering space, you can challenge some of your disempowering answers and thoughts by using The Work of Byron Katie.  (www.thework.com).   

Once you have done enough self-inquiry, the voice of survival is willing to give some ground allowing the voice of wisdom to emerge.

Here are the steps to take to shift into an empowered space.

1.      Acknowledge your body’s disempowering feedback. 

2.      Identify the question you are asking.

a.      You may need to do a thought download first.  Speak or write all your concerns.  What is your big fear in the form of a question?

 3.   Notice how fear answers that question.  Tell your fear story.

4.      Notice the impact that your fear story has on your personal empowerment.

a.      Measure this using the Emotometer

5.      Find an empowering internal voice.

6.      Tell that story.

7.   Notice the feedback your body provides to the wisdom story.

8.   Using the Emotometer, notice the impact this has on your personal empowerment.

9.   Take actions inspired by your wisdom story.

The Complaint Habit

I attended a presentation by Soraya Morgan whose company, Brand Launcher (www.brandlauncher.com) was hired to open the morning portion of a rally for a new startup networking company.

Soraya talked about change and in her presentation handed out rubber bands.  She asked each participant to wear the rubber band on a wrist and to make a commitment to switch the rubber band to the other wrist any time they caught themselves complaining.

This, I think is a great idea.  If someone were to get into the habit of changing that rubber band to the other wrist each time they complained, it would increase awareness of the frequency of complaint.  And with a commitment to stop complaining, this useless habit could be changed.

I’m interested in why complaining becomes a habit in the first place.   A habit is formed when the brain recognizes a pattern and then makes the pattern automatic.   Since the job of the brain is to survive, and since the conscious brain has a limited capacity for processing data, sending the pattern to the subconscious is very efficient.  An efficient brain has a much better chance to survive.

So the complaint habit had to start from a pattern that the brain recognized.  

Have you spent much time around kids?   Do they complain?  In my experience, they complain.  A lot.  In fact, the complaint habit is probably one of the first ones formed.  Up until the age of 7 or 8, children are very dependent.   Without support from an adult provider, most children would not survive.  The role that the child plays in their own survival is to make requests for their wants.  

One of Google’s definitions of complaint is “the expression of dissatisfaction”.

So, for a dependent child, complaint is a matter of survival.   Complaint, demand and blame are the tools of the dependent who is reliant upon the willingness of a provider to remedy their dissatisfaction.

Now we begin to see the problem with complaint.  As adults, we wish to be independent (self-governing, autonomous, self-regulating, free, liberated).  Independence requires a person to be 100% responsible for their own satisfaction.  Retreat into complaint is regression into dependence.

I challenge you to refrain from indulging your complaint habit.  You may notice that without complaint, you are left with the responsibility for your own satisfaction.   You may be surprised to find that you are fully capable of providing your own satisfaction.   

In his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg states that a habit has a cue, a routine and a reward.  The cue for the complaint habit is dissatisfaction.  The routine is to complain.  Originally the reward was a shift from dissatisfaction to satisfaction.  This cue, routine and reward is a formula for survival in an infant or small child.  In an adult relationship, however, this habit is a formula for disaster.   When one person complains and the other person acts to remedy the complaint, dependence is formed.  In codependent relationships, both parties complain and both parties react to the complaints of the other.  These codependent relationships lead to resentment, blame, dysfunction and unhappiness. 

Complaint says someone else “should” take care of me.   In the absence of complaint, one is left with 100% responsibility.   With complaint, disempowered.  Without complaint, empowered. 

Please pass me a rubber band.  I want my power back.

Must Do or Choose To

Turn your Must Do List into a Choose to List

It may seem counter-productive to slow down long enough to read an article about being more productive. And even ludicrous to consider that your thinking might have something to do with your productivity.

Especially if your solution for every challenge is to work harder and longer.

But how much sense does it make to keep turning up the effort dial when you just keep adding more to your list of to-do's? The harder you work, the behinder you get. Exhausting!

You’ve already read this far, so indulge me at the risk of wasting just a few more minutes.

What are the top 6 projects that aren’t getting done?
For each project, answer these questions:

1. What is the benefit of getting this project done? If there is little or no benefit to completing the project, why are you doing it? Take it off your list. No need to continue with these questions. As long as you have honestly identified the value of completing the project, move on to question 2.

2. What is it costing you to have this project incomplete? If there is no cost in having the project incomplete, should it even be on your list? See question 1. But if it's costing you too much to leave it incomplete, proceed to question 3.

3. What are the steps to getting this done? Write down everything that will need to happen to complete the project. Then put these in order.

4. By when will you take each of these steps? Give yourself a deadline for each step.

5. By when will you complete this project? Give yourself a deadline for the project.

6. Don’t keep this a secret. Tell someone what you are up to. Who will you ask to hold you accountable to these commitments?

Now you have a plan and accountability. Review your plan every day to support your success and overcome your resistance to taking actions?

If you will take the time to do this for each of your top projects, you wil become far more clear about the true value and importance of these projects. This clarity will provide you with the internal motivation and energy needed to take purposeful action. And rather than feeling burdened by a list of what you must do, you will have a sense of purpose as you take the actions toward success.

My Trip from Hell

If it turns out there really is a hell, I think it will look a lot like the life I was living about 15 years ago.  Fortunately, I don't live there any more.

I have successfully transformed over the past 15 years or so as the result of doing mindset work. I struggled with jobs, with relationships, with parenting, with money, with self-esteem, with faith, with judgment and mostly with fear. My opinion of myself was dependent upon the opinion of those closest to me. 15 years ago I was a mess. I had already been sober and clean for 20 years at that time. But was recently divorced and in a new career as a mortgage loan officer.

I blamed myself and I blamed my second wife for my unhappiness.   I was searching for some way to feel better, to get some relief.  I didn’t consider drinking again.  I was re-engaged with my recovery program but found it lacking.  I had begun to attempt a meditation practice but couldn’t sit still.  Paying that much attention to my thoughts was driving up the anxiety.

I think it was about this time of the year in 2002 that my friend, Allen and I drove over to Seattle to check out Byron Katie at the Unity Church.   It was a profound turning point in my life.  Literally overnight, “The Work” caught fire inside of me.   I realized I had been believing every thought without question.  I had been reacting to every thought as if it were true.  No wonder I had been so hot and cold, up and down.   No wonder I blamed, felt like a victim and had no power in my life.

I struggled for a while with the idea that my judgments were causing my suffering.  I could certainly see that my suffering was making it nearly impossible to find success and happiness in life.  But I was pretty attached to my stories about why I suffered.  I was convinced – it seemed so apparent – that my suffering was directly a result of the circumstances in my life.

Slowly, I loosened my grip on that story and as I did, I began to accept that it wasn’t what was happening in my life that caused me to suffer.  It was what I thought about what was happening in my life that determined what I felt and how I reacted to life.  I began to see that I was reacting to my own perspective.

I had always resisted “positive thinking” as phony, inauthentic.  At least I was real, I would proudly think. Not like those phony people.  Soon I saw that The Work; questioning my thinking, was not about painting over rust.  I experienced an opening as I disarmed thoughts that had never been questioned.  And in that opening I found clarity, peace, power and access to wisdom.

Simply by using my own suffering as the cue to do The Work, I began to transform.  I began to see what I had never seen.  I started accepting responsibility for how I felt, what I did, and for the results I had been creating.

This transformation has not been a straight line from hell to heaven.  There have been setbacks.  For a long time, I easily fell under the spell of believing circumstances had to change to accommodate me.  It can still happen.  I still want to play victim.  I still want to indulge in the delusion that I have no power and that life is happening to me.  As strange as it seems. I still want to suffer sometimes.

And life is not heaven now but it certainly isn’t the hell that it was 15 years ago.  I have successfully transformed.  I barely recognize myself.  I get to do what I want to do.   I love what I have, I love who I am, I love who and what is in my life and am willing, when I don’t love what is, to do my work.

How to Give and Get 5-Star Referrals

How to Give and Receive 5-Star Referrals

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The decision to refer usually happens in a moment. The decision to not refer happens just as quickly. But there is an internal process that usually goes undetected leading up to that moment.
Why do you refer?
Think about the last time you gave a referral. Why did you make the referral? Most likely, you made the referral because you knew, liked and trusted the person or company you referred. You probably didn’t stop to ask yourself if you knew, liked and trusted the person or company you referred.  You just referred them.  There was simply nothing that stopped you from referring them. You were comfortable making the referral.
Why do people refer you?
When others are making referrals for products and/or services that you provide do they think of you? And do they comfortably refer you? Referring someone risks your reputation. When you receive a referral, the person who referred you did so because they knew you, trusted you, and liked you enough.  They referred you because they trusted you enough to enhance their reputation rather than tarnish it.
Do you get 5-Star Reviews?
More and more, when making a buying decision, people go to the internet for reviews. These reviews are represented with 1 to 5 stars. A 5-star review is a great testimonial about the quality of the experience that the reviewer had with the person or business they dealt with. Lower reviews can do a great deal of damage to the reputation and success of the business. Your good reputation opens doors and seals deals. 
We all judge.
When we interact with people, we are judging and being judged. Judgments are not the truth. They are the interpretations, assumptions and decisions that we make about one another. Although judgments are only opinions, they form the basis for our choices about who to do business with and who we can rely on to enhance our reputations when we refer them. Your judgments determine how you feel about someone. These judgments and feelings inform your choices and your actions.
What reputation do you have?
People form their opinions about you based on the experiences they have with you. Or they decide what is true about you based on what others say about their experiences with you. If those experiences were not positive; if the person who was having the experience with you felt at all disempowered or disappointed, your reputation has been tarnished.  This hurts your chances for repeat business. And this kills your chances of being referred. 
Receiving a referral is validation that the experience the referring person had with you was good enough to trust you with their reputation. What you do with that referral will either enhance your hard-earned reputation or hurt it.
Increase your referrals.
The best way to get referred is by providing a 5-Star Experience to everyone you interact with.  And since we attract people with similar interests and values, providing 5-Star Experiences will attract other 5-Star Experience Providers for you to send referrals to. Imagine the clients you and your referral partners will attract once you are known for providing 5-Star Experiences!
Your judgments guide your decision to refer. Judgments are thoughts. Your thoughts impact how you feel. Your feelings are your body’s way of condensing all your judgments into instant feedback.  Think again of the last time you gave a referral. Wasn’t the basis for your choice your feelings about the person or the business?  
Become a 5-Star Experience Provider.
To attract more quality referrals, become a 5-Star Experience Provider.  To do so, you must discover what people think of you and your business. But first let’s start by judging others.
The Referral Review Rating Exercise
The following are common filters used to judge one another in business. Use these filters to rate the last person you gave a referral to.   
Is trustworthy ________ Stars
Listens to the client ________ Stars
Has the same values as I do ________ Stars
Honors time commitments ________ Stars
Is knowledgeable in their area of expertise ________ Stars
Is honest about what they can and cannot do ________ Stars
Communicates clearly, honestly and accurately ________ Stars
Keeps promises and commitments ________ Stars
Sets realistic expectations ________ Stars
Treats me and clients with respect ________ Stars
OVERALL REVIEW ________ Stars
To become more aware of what you are looking for in a referral partner, repeat the Referral Review Exercise each time you refer someone. 
Now ask others to rate you. This will give you valuable information you can use to improve your chances of being referred by becoming a 5-Start Experience Provider.

This exercise was created by Bill Tierney, Success Coach.  For corporate coaching, training or speaking requests, contact Bill at 509.230.5152 or Bill@LeadershipBusinessCoaching.com