What are you getting
in life? Is it what you want?
The Life Coaching that I do is based on the concept that what
we get in life is determined by what we believe about life and the world that
we live in. So our ability to change
what we get in life depends on changing our beliefs.
Beliefs > Life
You may argue that what we get in life is a direct result of
our actions. I don’t disagree. If this is true, then we should be able to
change what we do to alter what we get.
I’ve had some experience with that.
How about you? Ever wonder why
life just seems to keep serving up the same stuff? Maybe it’s because we keep doing what we
do.
Actions > Life
But what determines the actions that we take or avoid? In other words, why do we do what we
do? What if we do what we do because
we feel what we feel? I feel good, I
want to continue to feel good, so I take actions to achieve that. I feel bad, I want to feel better. So I take actions to achieve that. This constant adjusting is like driving a
car. We never hold the steering wheel
rigidly. In order to keep the car on
the road, we must continuously make adjustments. In order to continue to feel good, we must adjust what we do.
Feelings > Actions > Life
So why do we feel what we feel? Is it because of the actions that we
take? It sure looks like it doesn’t
it? But these modifications to feeling
and doing are almost always temporary.
It is very difficult to change what we get in life if we are
constantly trying to change how we feel by the actions we take. In fact, all of this effort just wears us
out! I assert that my thoughts
determine my feelings. My story to
explain what I experience determines what I feel in association with that
experience. If this is true, then I
should be able to change what I think to change how I feel so that I will
take different actions and get a better life.
Thoughts > Feelings > Actions > Life
Okay. So far so
good. But why do we think what we
think? My best guess is that it is
because of what we believe. Our
beliefs are like powerful magnets that attract only those thoughts that
support those beliefs.
Beliefs
attract supporting thoughts
So if we want to change our thoughts, we must change our
beliefs. Easy, right? Not so much. Our beliefs have been with us a long
time. In fact, according to Bruce
Lipton, cell biologist and author of “The Biology of Belief” our belief
systems are fully downloaded by the time we are six years old. That means that, unless you have figured
out a way to reprogram yourself, you are operating on the belief system of a
first grader!
This is, essentially "The Model" of Brooke Castillo. Although Brooke leaves beliefs out and groups them with thoughts. A belief is a thought that we think over and over because it makes the most sense to us. Once we have thought a particular thought long enough, it becomes so believable that it seems like the truth.
The other thing that Brooke does with her model is starts it out with C for Circumstances. We have no control over circumstances but spend so much time trying to control them so that we can get different results. As Byron Katie would say, "Hopeless"! One of the first questions that I get after talking about The Model is, "How do you change a belief"? What a great question! There are many ways. The methods that I prefer involve questioning the current belief, and identifying a new one that will produce the results that you want.
For more on "The Model" check out www.TheLifeCoachSchool.com and listen from podcast #1.
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Saturday, December 12, 2015
Are you getting what you want in life?
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Who Needs a Coach?
On any Sunday during the NFL season, the camera is on the coach on the sidelines as much as it is on any player. Seahawks fans have an image of Pete Carroll pumping his fists and chomping furiously on a piece of gum, slapping the behinds of players coming off the field, getting in the faces of the players who fell short and campaigning on his team’s behalf with the officials.
Pete is the head coach for the Seattle Seahawks. His efforts have turned the Seahawks
franchise around in a few short years.
From a fan’s perspective, our lives of dashed hopes and frustrations
played out on the television screen each Sunday for years. But recently, thanks to a collaborative
effort on the part of ownership, management, players and fans, Pete’s vision
has become a reality and we (loyal Seahawks fans) have all begun to think of
ourselves as winners.
Whether it is the Seahawks, the Mariners, or the Gonzaga
Bulldogs, I ride the emotional roller coaster as I cheer for my favorite
teams. I joke with my wife that I’m
struggling with my self-esteem when my team loses (Seattle Mariners) and that I’m
feeling pretty good about myself when they win (Seahawks and Bulldogs). While it’s humorous to have fun with this,
there is also some truth. That is
probably what being a fan is really all about.
You see, I don’t actually play the games. I don’t really win or lose. I’m not really on the team even though there
is a flag just for me and all of you other “12th men” and
women. But it sure feels like I’m out
there on the field or on the court when I’m watching the game. I feel the thrill and the agony as if I’m in
the game. But…I’m still just watching
the game. I’m not even on the bench
hoping to get in the game.
Then there’s my real life.
The game goes on whether I am on the bench, in the stands or on the
field of play. Most of us play the game
of our lives unconsciously. It’s not
until we start playing on purpose that we can consistently “win” in life.
What does it mean to win in life? And what does it mean to live
consciously? It may be that winning is
synonymous with success. We must all
determine what it means to win or to have success. Whatever that is for each of us, there will
be victories and defeats.
Consider that we can’t really own our victories unless we
are on the field playing the game. Being
on the field means living our lives with intention and full participation. And
unless we can own our victories, there is no real power in them.
To be on the field in life means playing the game
consciously, on purpose. To be in the
stands means watching the game play out with no intention to ever actually play
the game. To be on the bench of our own
lives means waiting for just the right time to enter the game but not actually playing the game any more
than the spectator in the stands.
These are our lives! Life
is short (if you don’t believe me, take a slow look in the mirror) and we get one
shot at living it (reincarnation and afterlife aside). Why would we stay on the bench or in the
stands? There’s really only one
reason. Fear.
Okay, you say. That
sounds right. So now I will come down
out of the stands or get off the bench and get into the game. Fear won’t stop me. I’m in it to win it!
And then fear stops you again. You’re trying to play a game you forgot how
to play. When did you stop playing? What could you do if you played on purpose? What if you could design your own game? What if you could make up your own
rules? What if you knew you couldn’t
really lose?
And here’s the pitch.
What if you had a coach who believed in you even if you didn’t until you
could? What if your coach could show you
what it would take to succeed? What if
you could play the game without fear? Then
what would be possible?
Who needs a life coach?
Only those who forgot how to play the game and are tired of sitting on
the bench or in the stands. Do you want
to come play? Team tryouts are now. Call me for a possibility conversation. You have a game worth playing. You wanna play?
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Life Happens As It Does
My journey has walked me through much of the self-loathing that was the result of my actions and self judgment. I am intimately familiar with hating my own guts. My experience has been that old habits die to new habits.
But how do I change a habit? How do I kill the old habit and replace it with a new habit? The following is my most current theory to explain how it works.
There has been a tremendous amount of research done on the brain, on the subconscious and the conscious, especially over the past 15 years. My watered down version of the research is that by the time we are 7 or 8 years old, the subconscious has been programmed. And unless and until that programming has been examined and re-decisioned as adults, we walk around in life reacting to life from decisions we made before we were 9 years old about who we are and about our relationship to the rest of the world.
There are endless calibrations comparing the difference between the conscious and subconscious. I read once that the subconscious brain processes 2,000,000 bits of information at any one time. The conscious brain is capable of processing about 2000 bits of information at any time. This comparison is probably not completely accurate but it certainly makes the point. The Reticular Activating System sorts out which 2000 bits to pay attention to with the conscious brain. The subconscious brain handles all of the rest of it with those decisions we made in early life or with re-decisions (which are at the core of new habits) that we have made as adults since then. (take a look at this 4 minute video https://youtu.be/QCnfAzAIhVw)
If I decide I’m not worthy of love, or that I’m not good enough, or that something is wrong with me, then my view of life gets filtered through these decisions.
Let’s say I get picked last on the playground kickball team. Why was I picked last? It could be that I was the new kid in the class and nobody knew me. Or it could be that nobody had ever seen what an awesome kickballer I was. It could be that I’m a crappy kickballer. It could be that the team pickers didn’t like me. Why I got picked last could be explained by any of a million different theories. What is important is what I made it mean when I got picked last . If I made it mean that nobody likes me, I’ve decided that this is the most likely explanation among all of the possible explanations. It would take a pretty enlightened 7 year old to get picked last on the kickball team and to not make it mean something.
Most of us would attach meaning to the experience. That’s what human beings do. Let’s stay with “nobody likes me” as the theory we have picked to explain getting picked last. Since we have already decided who we are by the time we are 7, “nobody likes me” would already be the default explanation for much of what does and does not happen in life. So “nobody likes me” as an explanation for getting picked last wouldn’t really even be a decision. Because by then, “nobody likes me” is a well-worn and proven theory. From the moment we first used this theory as a way to explain what happened that shouldn’t have or what didn’t happen that should have, our view of life changed.
We began to view life through the filter, “nobody likes me” and everything that happened from then on provided evidence that the theory was accurate. If I wear green hued glasses, everything has a green hue. If I wear a “nobody likes me” filter, it looks evident that nobody likes me. Very soon I forget that I am wearing glasses. Very soon I forget that “nobody likes me” was just a possible explanation that I chose among all of the options that occurred to me so that I could explain what did or didn’t happen.
I believe that early childhood trauma, whether real or imagined, such as being abused, mistreated, neglected or abandoned makes the need to explain what is happening or not happening a matter of survival. Research has also shown that experiences that are charged with emotion tend to be the automatic go-to memories that influence how we react to our present experiences. When we perceive that our survival is threatened, our bodies are flooded with powerful chemicals that enable us to defend ourselves, to escape, or to play dead. (Fight, flight or freeze) We experience this cascade of chemicals as emotions. Eventually, just like an alcoholic or a drug addict, we become addicted to the chemicals that our bodies produce when activated by our perceptions. (for more on this, watch the movie “What the Bleep do We Know”)
In this way, our most current theories to explain who we are and what happens in our lives produce results that are predictable, automatic and very limiting. And for most of us, those theories spin completely undetected in our minds. All of our habits are in support of and as the result of these theories. Have you ever tried to change a habit only to fail again and again?
We get what we get in life because of the actions that we take. We do what we do because of the emotions that we experience. When the emotions are comfortable, we take different actions than we take when the emotions are uncomfortable. The emotions we experience are responses to thoughts that we hold as true. And we hold thoughts as true if they support what we already believe, our most current theories.
To change a habit, I must also change the theory that supports the habit. To consciously change the theory, I have to know what the theory is. Because the theory is automatic and hidden (part of that 2,000,000 bits that the subconscious handles at any one time), it’s not easy to detect.
So here is another part of my most current theory,
The more closely my beliefs (my favorite theories) align with what is true (reality) the more I experience peace and clarity. With reality aligned thinking I have begun to experience self-love and humble confidence.
When my beliefs are not aligned with what is true, when they argue with reality, as Byron Katie says, I suffer and create suffering for those who are close to me. My internal life is like a tossing, turbulent sea. I am confused and unsettled. It’s easy to blame others or to blame myself. I am filled with self-doubt. Trust is impossible.
But the great thing about suffering is that it can help us to detect our theories. The symptoms of suffering are the bread crumbs leading back to the theory that is causing the suffering. If we are not able or willing to examine our theories, then it seems ridiculous to consider that our thinking is causing the suffering. It seems apparent that our suffering is the result of what is happening “out there”. But as most of us have learned by now, trying to change what happens out there is futile and exhausting. Is it easier to carpet the planet or to buy a new pair of sandals? I can’t remember where I read or heard this but I like it.
Once I have detected the theory, I can reconsider its validity. And if I am able to be honest, if I am willing to let go of my most current theory, I may be able to see that my best guess to explain what was happening or not happening so many years ago simply was not accurate. Or, at the very least, the explanation is no longer relevant in my life. And when I have seen that for myself, clarity and relief are the result. What was previously impossible is now possible because I can now see what I was previously blind to. Without my theory, the 2,000 bits of data that my conscious mind focuses on transforms. I can see what my old theory would not allow me to see. I can see reality.
“Life doesn’t happen as it should. Life doesn’t happen as is shouldn’t. Life happens as it does.” Tracy Goss
But how do I change a habit? How do I kill the old habit and replace it with a new habit? The following is my most current theory to explain how it works.
There has been a tremendous amount of research done on the brain, on the subconscious and the conscious, especially over the past 15 years. My watered down version of the research is that by the time we are 7 or 8 years old, the subconscious has been programmed. And unless and until that programming has been examined and re-decisioned as adults, we walk around in life reacting to life from decisions we made before we were 9 years old about who we are and about our relationship to the rest of the world.
There are endless calibrations comparing the difference between the conscious and subconscious. I read once that the subconscious brain processes 2,000,000 bits of information at any one time. The conscious brain is capable of processing about 2000 bits of information at any time. This comparison is probably not completely accurate but it certainly makes the point. The Reticular Activating System sorts out which 2000 bits to pay attention to with the conscious brain. The subconscious brain handles all of the rest of it with those decisions we made in early life or with re-decisions (which are at the core of new habits) that we have made as adults since then. (take a look at this 4 minute video https://youtu.be/QCnfAzAIhVw)
If I decide I’m not worthy of love, or that I’m not good enough, or that something is wrong with me, then my view of life gets filtered through these decisions.
Let’s say I get picked last on the playground kickball team. Why was I picked last? It could be that I was the new kid in the class and nobody knew me. Or it could be that nobody had ever seen what an awesome kickballer I was. It could be that I’m a crappy kickballer. It could be that the team pickers didn’t like me. Why I got picked last could be explained by any of a million different theories. What is important is what I made it mean when I got picked last . If I made it mean that nobody likes me, I’ve decided that this is the most likely explanation among all of the possible explanations. It would take a pretty enlightened 7 year old to get picked last on the kickball team and to not make it mean something.
Most of us would attach meaning to the experience. That’s what human beings do. Let’s stay with “nobody likes me” as the theory we have picked to explain getting picked last. Since we have already decided who we are by the time we are 7, “nobody likes me” would already be the default explanation for much of what does and does not happen in life. So “nobody likes me” as an explanation for getting picked last wouldn’t really even be a decision. Because by then, “nobody likes me” is a well-worn and proven theory. From the moment we first used this theory as a way to explain what happened that shouldn’t have or what didn’t happen that should have, our view of life changed.
We began to view life through the filter, “nobody likes me” and everything that happened from then on provided evidence that the theory was accurate. If I wear green hued glasses, everything has a green hue. If I wear a “nobody likes me” filter, it looks evident that nobody likes me. Very soon I forget that I am wearing glasses. Very soon I forget that “nobody likes me” was just a possible explanation that I chose among all of the options that occurred to me so that I could explain what did or didn’t happen.
I believe that early childhood trauma, whether real or imagined, such as being abused, mistreated, neglected or abandoned makes the need to explain what is happening or not happening a matter of survival. Research has also shown that experiences that are charged with emotion tend to be the automatic go-to memories that influence how we react to our present experiences. When we perceive that our survival is threatened, our bodies are flooded with powerful chemicals that enable us to defend ourselves, to escape, or to play dead. (Fight, flight or freeze) We experience this cascade of chemicals as emotions. Eventually, just like an alcoholic or a drug addict, we become addicted to the chemicals that our bodies produce when activated by our perceptions. (for more on this, watch the movie “What the Bleep do We Know”)
In this way, our most current theories to explain who we are and what happens in our lives produce results that are predictable, automatic and very limiting. And for most of us, those theories spin completely undetected in our minds. All of our habits are in support of and as the result of these theories. Have you ever tried to change a habit only to fail again and again?
We get what we get in life because of the actions that we take. We do what we do because of the emotions that we experience. When the emotions are comfortable, we take different actions than we take when the emotions are uncomfortable. The emotions we experience are responses to thoughts that we hold as true. And we hold thoughts as true if they support what we already believe, our most current theories.
To change a habit, I must also change the theory that supports the habit. To consciously change the theory, I have to know what the theory is. Because the theory is automatic and hidden (part of that 2,000,000 bits that the subconscious handles at any one time), it’s not easy to detect.
So here is another part of my most current theory,
The more closely my beliefs (my favorite theories) align with what is true (reality) the more I experience peace and clarity. With reality aligned thinking I have begun to experience self-love and humble confidence.
When my beliefs are not aligned with what is true, when they argue with reality, as Byron Katie says, I suffer and create suffering for those who are close to me. My internal life is like a tossing, turbulent sea. I am confused and unsettled. It’s easy to blame others or to blame myself. I am filled with self-doubt. Trust is impossible.
But the great thing about suffering is that it can help us to detect our theories. The symptoms of suffering are the bread crumbs leading back to the theory that is causing the suffering. If we are not able or willing to examine our theories, then it seems ridiculous to consider that our thinking is causing the suffering. It seems apparent that our suffering is the result of what is happening “out there”. But as most of us have learned by now, trying to change what happens out there is futile and exhausting. Is it easier to carpet the planet or to buy a new pair of sandals? I can’t remember where I read or heard this but I like it.
Once I have detected the theory, I can reconsider its validity. And if I am able to be honest, if I am willing to let go of my most current theory, I may be able to see that my best guess to explain what was happening or not happening so many years ago simply was not accurate. Or, at the very least, the explanation is no longer relevant in my life. And when I have seen that for myself, clarity and relief are the result. What was previously impossible is now possible because I can now see what I was previously blind to. Without my theory, the 2,000 bits of data that my conscious mind focuses on transforms. I can see what my old theory would not allow me to see. I can see reality.
“Life doesn’t happen as it should. Life doesn’t happen as is shouldn’t. Life happens as it does.” Tracy Goss
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Life Happens For Me
Life Happens For Me
Decisions. We all
make them – lots of them- every day.
Some are minor and appear to be inconsequential. Coffee?
No Coffee? What to wear? Can I do one more thing before I leave? Is it okey to be late for this
appointment? Should I return that
call?
Other decisions seem more important. Ask her to marry me? Lie or tell the truth? Should I take that job? Should I quit? Sell the house? Go to college? Start a business?
Consider that many of these decisions, maybe even most of
them are made automatically. What
determines the difference between the decision I make in a situation and the
decision you would make in the same situation has a lot to do with how we each
view life.
While this is a complex concept, let’s keep it really simple. Life’s experience has shown me that there are
three lenses through which we might view life.
We all have a dominant default lens but we periodically switch and temporarily
view life through either of the other two perspectives.
I label these lenses or paradigms,
1.
Life happens BECAUSE of me.
2.
Life happens TO me.
3.
Life happens FOR me.
Life Happens BECAUSE
of Me
Life viewed through this lens looks like something to
control. If I view life through this
paradigm, I work hard, I use strategies and tactics and try to dominate others
and situations. People are pawns to be
moved around on the game board and tools to leverage for power and results. I am the center of the universe. I am manipulative, domineering and
driven. The cost of living from this
view is friendship, connection, closeness and intimacy. I may often enjoy material success and
financial gain, but have inner turmoil and rarely experience real contentment
or satisfaction. Believing that life
happens because of me limits the possibilities in life to whatever I can force
to happen.
Life Happens To Me
This view is that of a victim. Through this lens I live life
powerlessly. Life appears to be a game
of chance subject to superstition and luck.
When things go wrong as I expect them to, I blame others. When things go right, I feel lucky and brace
myself for the let down to avoid feeling disappointed. I feel out of control and believe I have no
say in what happens. I am scared and
paranoid and organize my life in such a way as to be safe. I am cautious and careful. I don’t trust anyone. I limit my risks but life cannot get small
enough to feel safe from this perspective.
The price I pay for this paradigm is peace, comfort, a sense of power or
well-being. I feel hopeless, resentful
and afraid. Believing life happens to me
eliminates any possibility for a fulfilled and happy life.
Life Happens For Me
From this perspective life looks like a series of
opportunities and fun mysteries.
Everything that happens is welcomed and embraced. If I believe that life happens for me I’m like
a kid in a candy store, enjoying life as it presents one big adventure after
another. There is only benefit to this perspective. Others either find me attractive, seeing me
as charismatic and vivacious, or they see me as naive and unaware of reality
and the dangers that lurk in life. What
is possible from this perspective is anything.
Even my wildest dreams.
So what prevents us
from the view, Life Happens For Me?
We live with fears that we made up along the way at some point. These fears are the natural result of
believing thoughts that simply are not true.
Most of our programming is complete by the time we are 7 or 8 years
old. By then most of us have decided
that there must be something wrong with us because we just don’t match up to
the perfect ideal that the world calls normal.
We think that what we fear is real; that our fears are the truth.
We live life as if these and other fears are real: “I’m not
good enough, smart enough, tall enough, short enough, cute enough, funny
enough, tough enough, something is wrong with me, I am alone, it’s all up to
me, I can’t trust anyone, I’m a fraud, I’m going to fail, I will be rejected…” The list is endless.
How do you transform
these fears so that you can live life from the perspective, Life Happens For
Me?
Here are Seven
disciplines to live by which will help you realize that Life actually does Happen For You.
1.
Heal the
past when the past shows up as unhealed. You may have to develop the ability to spot
the unhealed past which shows up as emotional upset, repeated patterns of
struggle and disappointment, stuckness, co-dependent stickiness, physical
illness, exhaustion, irritation, periods of depression, uncontrolled periods of
anger or sadness. And you will
certainly have to be humble enough and committed enough to your transformation
to seek help when the unhealed past shows up.
The unhealed mind identifies with itself and is confused. It has no interest in healing the past. It is too busy trying to survive.
2.
Expose
the false fears. Most of your fears
are false. You will find these fears at
the bottom of practically every problem you experience. Look for them there and when you find them,
expose them to reality and they will shrink and die.
3.
Recognize
who you really are. Our fears have
us believing that we are broken and unlovable.
Realize (make it real) that you are one of God’s kids, or a child of the Universe if you prefer. You landed on
this planet as whole, perfect, complete and amazing!
4.
Create a
compelling and inspired vision for the life that you would be living if you
knew you were whole, perfect, complete and amazing. Commit that vision to paper and review it
often.
5.
Live life
now powerfully into that vision.
What actions would someone who will be living that vision take now? Take those actions, make a plan, set goals
and be flexible. Life might just show
you a new vision and a new plan along the way.
6.
Trust
Life. Start looking for evidence
that life is serving you. Keep a
miracles journal. Look for at least one
example every day that Life Happens For You.
7.
Serve
Others. If Life Happens For You,
that means that life is serving you. To
get into the flow of life, serve others.
Build a powerful current of service and enjoy the ride!
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Unpacking my mental boxes
I moved about 5 years ago. I was moving in with my fiancé. She had years of boxes and stuff that she had accumulated over a 23 year marriage. I had a 2300 square foot house full of things that I needed to condense, consolidate, pack, give away or throw out.
As I was packing, I moved boxes that had been moved and stored for decades. Other new items were placed in boxes and labeled and moved to a storage unit until we could figure out what we could keep and what needed to go away.
We gave a lot of things to our kids, had a huge garage sale and kept all that we had room for. Much of what we kept remained in unexamined boxes.
Last night, in a coaching group, I realized that we all have mental boxes too. Over our lifetime we pack away ideas and concepts that seem right and make sense in the moment. We accept these ideas as true and pack them away, labeling the boxes. Storing these ideas and concepts is a great way to save time and energy later.
Let's say you are in a conversation with someone about religion. Rather than having to think about religion, you can just refer to the box. That way you don't have to re-examine what you put in there in the first place. Easy. Convenient. Predictable.
And limiting. The older I get, the more I experience, the greater the gap between what I accepted as true and valid when I packed my boxes and what is true and valid for me today. But I will continue to react to life as if what's in the mental box is accurate and true until I open the box and, one thought at a time, begin to unpack it.
As I have done this on boxes labeled, "marriage", "friendship", "money", "God", "Fatherhood" and countless others, I have reclaimed power and aligned my values to what is important to me today.
What's in your box? Who would you be if you unpacked it and decided, one concept at a time if the contents match your current values and beliefs?
As I was packing, I moved boxes that had been moved and stored for decades. Other new items were placed in boxes and labeled and moved to a storage unit until we could figure out what we could keep and what needed to go away.
We gave a lot of things to our kids, had a huge garage sale and kept all that we had room for. Much of what we kept remained in unexamined boxes.
Last night, in a coaching group, I realized that we all have mental boxes too. Over our lifetime we pack away ideas and concepts that seem right and make sense in the moment. We accept these ideas as true and pack them away, labeling the boxes. Storing these ideas and concepts is a great way to save time and energy later.
Let's say you are in a conversation with someone about religion. Rather than having to think about religion, you can just refer to the box. That way you don't have to re-examine what you put in there in the first place. Easy. Convenient. Predictable.
And limiting. The older I get, the more I experience, the greater the gap between what I accepted as true and valid when I packed my boxes and what is true and valid for me today. But I will continue to react to life as if what's in the mental box is accurate and true until I open the box and, one thought at a time, begin to unpack it.
As I have done this on boxes labeled, "marriage", "friendship", "money", "God", "Fatherhood" and countless others, I have reclaimed power and aligned my values to what is important to me today.
What's in your box? Who would you be if you unpacked it and decided, one concept at a time if the contents match your current values and beliefs?
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