The Complaint Habit

I attended a presentation by Soraya Morgan whose company, Brand Launcher (www.brandlauncher.com) was hired to open the morning portion of a rally for a new startup networking company.

Soraya talked about change and in her presentation handed out rubber bands.  She asked each participant to wear the rubber band on a wrist and to make a commitment to switch the rubber band to the other wrist any time they caught themselves complaining.

This, I think is a great idea.  If someone were to get into the habit of changing that rubber band to the other wrist each time they complained, it would increase awareness of the frequency of complaint.  And with a commitment to stop complaining, this useless habit could be changed.

I’m interested in why complaining becomes a habit in the first place.   A habit is formed when the brain recognizes a pattern and then makes the pattern automatic.   Since the job of the brain is to survive, and since the conscious brain has a limited capacity for processing data, sending the pattern to the subconscious is very efficient.  An efficient brain has a much better chance to survive.

So the complaint habit had to start from a pattern that the brain recognized.  

Have you spent much time around kids?   Do they complain?  In my experience, they complain.  A lot.  In fact, the complaint habit is probably one of the first ones formed.  Up until the age of 7 or 8, children are very dependent.   Without support from an adult provider, most children would not survive.  The role that the child plays in their own survival is to make requests for their wants.  

One of Google’s definitions of complaint is “the expression of dissatisfaction”.

So, for a dependent child, complaint is a matter of survival.   Complaint, demand and blame are the tools of the dependent who is reliant upon the willingness of a provider to remedy their dissatisfaction.

Now we begin to see the problem with complaint.  As adults, we wish to be independent (self-governing, autonomous, self-regulating, free, liberated).  Independence requires a person to be 100% responsible for their own satisfaction.  Retreat into complaint is regression into dependence.

I challenge you to refrain from indulging your complaint habit.  You may notice that without complaint, you are left with the responsibility for your own satisfaction.   You may be surprised to find that you are fully capable of providing your own satisfaction.   

In his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg states that a habit has a cue, a routine and a reward.  The cue for the complaint habit is dissatisfaction.  The routine is to complain.  Originally the reward was a shift from dissatisfaction to satisfaction.  This cue, routine and reward is a formula for survival in an infant or small child.  In an adult relationship, however, this habit is a formula for disaster.   When one person complains and the other person acts to remedy the complaint, dependence is formed.  In codependent relationships, both parties complain and both parties react to the complaints of the other.  These codependent relationships lead to resentment, blame, dysfunction and unhappiness. 

Complaint says someone else “should” take care of me.   In the absence of complaint, one is left with 100% responsibility.   With complaint, disempowered.  Without complaint, empowered. 

Please pass me a rubber band.  I want my power back.

Must Do or Choose To

Turn your Must Do List into a Choose to List

It may seem counter-productive to slow down long enough to read an article about being more productive. And even ludicrous to consider that your thinking might have something to do with your productivity.

Especially if your solution for every challenge is to work harder and longer.

But how much sense does it make to keep turning up the effort dial when you just keep adding more to your list of to-do's? The harder you work, the behinder you get. Exhausting!

You’ve already read this far, so indulge me at the risk of wasting just a few more minutes.

What are the top 6 projects that aren’t getting done?
For each project, answer these questions:

1. What is the benefit of getting this project done? If there is little or no benefit to completing the project, why are you doing it? Take it off your list. No need to continue with these questions. As long as you have honestly identified the value of completing the project, move on to question 2.

2. What is it costing you to have this project incomplete? If there is no cost in having the project incomplete, should it even be on your list? See question 1. But if it's costing you too much to leave it incomplete, proceed to question 3.

3. What are the steps to getting this done? Write down everything that will need to happen to complete the project. Then put these in order.

4. By when will you take each of these steps? Give yourself a deadline for each step.

5. By when will you complete this project? Give yourself a deadline for the project.

6. Don’t keep this a secret. Tell someone what you are up to. Who will you ask to hold you accountable to these commitments?

Now you have a plan and accountability. Review your plan every day to support your success and overcome your resistance to taking actions?

If you will take the time to do this for each of your top projects, you wil become far more clear about the true value and importance of these projects. This clarity will provide you with the internal motivation and energy needed to take purposeful action. And rather than feeling burdened by a list of what you must do, you will have a sense of purpose as you take the actions toward success.