My journey has walked me through much of the self-loathing that was the result of my actions and self judgment. I am intimately familiar with hating my own guts. My experience has been that old habits die to new habits.
But how do I change a habit? How do I kill the old habit and replace it with a new habit? The following is my most current theory to explain how it works.
There has been a tremendous amount of research done on the brain, on the subconscious and the conscious, especially over the past 15 years. My watered down version of the research is that by the time we are 7 or 8 years old, the subconscious has been programmed. And unless and until that programming has been examined and re-decisioned as adults, we walk around in life reacting to life from decisions we made before we were 9 years old about who we are and about our relationship to the rest of the world.
There are endless calibrations comparing the difference between the conscious and subconscious. I read once that the subconscious brain processes 2,000,000 bits of information at any one time. The conscious brain is capable of processing about 2000 bits of information at any time. This comparison is probably not completely accurate but it certainly makes the point. The Reticular Activating System sorts out which 2000 bits to pay attention to with the conscious brain. The subconscious brain handles all of the rest of it with those decisions we made in early life or with re-decisions (which are at the core of new habits) that we have made as adults since then. (take a look at this 4 minute video https://youtu.be/QCnfAzAIhVw)
If I decide I’m not worthy of love, or that I’m not good enough, or that something is wrong with me, then my view of life gets filtered through these decisions.
Let’s say I get picked last on the playground kickball team. Why was I picked last? It could be that I was the new kid in the class and nobody knew me. Or it could be that nobody had ever seen what an awesome kickballer I was. It could be that I’m a crappy kickballer. It could be that the team pickers didn’t like me. Why I got picked last could be explained by any of a million different theories. What is important is what I made it mean when I got picked last . If I made it mean that nobody likes me, I’ve decided that this is the most likely explanation among all of the possible explanations. It would take a pretty enlightened 7 year old to get picked last on the kickball team and to not make it mean something.
Most of us would attach meaning to the experience. That’s what human beings do. Let’s stay with “nobody likes me” as the theory we have picked to explain getting picked last. Since we have already decided who we are by the time we are 7, “nobody likes me” would already be the default explanation for much of what does and does not happen in life. So “nobody likes me” as an explanation for getting picked last wouldn’t really even be a decision. Because by then, “nobody likes me” is a well-worn and proven theory. From the moment we first used this theory as a way to explain what happened that shouldn’t have or what didn’t happen that should have, our view of life changed.
We began to view life through the filter, “nobody likes me” and everything that happened from then on provided evidence that the theory was accurate. If I wear green hued glasses, everything has a green hue. If I wear a “nobody likes me” filter, it looks evident that nobody likes me. Very soon I forget that I am wearing glasses. Very soon I forget that “nobody likes me” was just a possible explanation that I chose among all of the options that occurred to me so that I could explain what did or didn’t happen.
I believe that early childhood trauma, whether real or imagined, such as being abused, mistreated, neglected or abandoned makes the need to explain what is happening or not happening a matter of survival. Research has also shown that experiences that are charged with emotion tend to be the automatic go-to memories that influence how we react to our present experiences. When we perceive that our survival is threatened, our bodies are flooded with powerful chemicals that enable us to defend ourselves, to escape, or to play dead. (Fight, flight or freeze) We experience this cascade of chemicals as emotions. Eventually, just like an alcoholic or a drug addict, we become addicted to the chemicals that our bodies produce when activated by our perceptions. (for more on this, watch the movie “What the Bleep do We Know”)
In this way, our most current theories to explain who we are and what happens in our lives produce results that are predictable, automatic and very limiting. And for most of us, those theories spin completely undetected in our minds. All of our habits are in support of and as the result of these theories. Have you ever tried to change a habit only to fail again and again?
We get what we get in life because of the actions that we take. We do what we do because of the emotions that we experience. When the emotions are comfortable, we take different actions than we take when the emotions are uncomfortable. The emotions we experience are responses to thoughts that we hold as true. And we hold thoughts as true if they support what we already believe, our most current theories.
To change a habit, I must also change the theory that supports the habit. To consciously change the theory, I have to know what the theory is. Because the theory is automatic and hidden (part of that 2,000,000 bits that the subconscious handles at any one time), it’s not easy to detect.
So here is another part of my most current theory,
The more closely my beliefs (my favorite theories) align with what is true (reality) the more I experience peace and clarity. With reality aligned thinking I have begun to experience self-love and humble confidence.
When my beliefs are not aligned with what is true, when they argue with reality, as Byron Katie says, I suffer and create suffering for those who are close to me. My internal life is like a tossing, turbulent sea. I am confused and unsettled. It’s easy to blame others or to blame myself. I am filled with self-doubt. Trust is impossible.
But the great thing about suffering is that it can help us to detect our theories. The symptoms of suffering are the bread crumbs leading back to the theory that is causing the suffering. If we are not able or willing to examine our theories, then it seems ridiculous to consider that our thinking is causing the suffering. It seems apparent that our suffering is the result of what is happening “out there”. But as most of us have learned by now, trying to change what happens out there is futile and exhausting. Is it easier to carpet the planet or to buy a new pair of sandals? I can’t remember where I read or heard this but I like it.
Once I have detected the theory, I can reconsider its validity. And if I am able to be honest, if I am willing to let go of my most current theory, I may be able to see that my best guess to explain what was happening or not happening so many years ago simply was not accurate. Or, at the very least, the explanation is no longer relevant in my life. And when I have seen that for myself, clarity and relief are the result. What was previously impossible is now possible because I can now see what I was previously blind to. Without my theory, the 2,000 bits of data that my conscious mind focuses on transforms. I can see what my old theory would not allow me to see. I can see reality.
“Life doesn’t happen as it should. Life doesn’t happen as is shouldn’t. Life happens as it does.” Tracy Goss
But how do I change a habit? How do I kill the old habit and replace it with a new habit? The following is my most current theory to explain how it works.
There has been a tremendous amount of research done on the brain, on the subconscious and the conscious, especially over the past 15 years. My watered down version of the research is that by the time we are 7 or 8 years old, the subconscious has been programmed. And unless and until that programming has been examined and re-decisioned as adults, we walk around in life reacting to life from decisions we made before we were 9 years old about who we are and about our relationship to the rest of the world.
There are endless calibrations comparing the difference between the conscious and subconscious. I read once that the subconscious brain processes 2,000,000 bits of information at any one time. The conscious brain is capable of processing about 2000 bits of information at any time. This comparison is probably not completely accurate but it certainly makes the point. The Reticular Activating System sorts out which 2000 bits to pay attention to with the conscious brain. The subconscious brain handles all of the rest of it with those decisions we made in early life or with re-decisions (which are at the core of new habits) that we have made as adults since then. (take a look at this 4 minute video https://youtu.be/QCnfAzAIhVw)
If I decide I’m not worthy of love, or that I’m not good enough, or that something is wrong with me, then my view of life gets filtered through these decisions.
Let’s say I get picked last on the playground kickball team. Why was I picked last? It could be that I was the new kid in the class and nobody knew me. Or it could be that nobody had ever seen what an awesome kickballer I was. It could be that I’m a crappy kickballer. It could be that the team pickers didn’t like me. Why I got picked last could be explained by any of a million different theories. What is important is what I made it mean when I got picked last . If I made it mean that nobody likes me, I’ve decided that this is the most likely explanation among all of the possible explanations. It would take a pretty enlightened 7 year old to get picked last on the kickball team and to not make it mean something.
Most of us would attach meaning to the experience. That’s what human beings do. Let’s stay with “nobody likes me” as the theory we have picked to explain getting picked last. Since we have already decided who we are by the time we are 7, “nobody likes me” would already be the default explanation for much of what does and does not happen in life. So “nobody likes me” as an explanation for getting picked last wouldn’t really even be a decision. Because by then, “nobody likes me” is a well-worn and proven theory. From the moment we first used this theory as a way to explain what happened that shouldn’t have or what didn’t happen that should have, our view of life changed.
We began to view life through the filter, “nobody likes me” and everything that happened from then on provided evidence that the theory was accurate. If I wear green hued glasses, everything has a green hue. If I wear a “nobody likes me” filter, it looks evident that nobody likes me. Very soon I forget that I am wearing glasses. Very soon I forget that “nobody likes me” was just a possible explanation that I chose among all of the options that occurred to me so that I could explain what did or didn’t happen.
I believe that early childhood trauma, whether real or imagined, such as being abused, mistreated, neglected or abandoned makes the need to explain what is happening or not happening a matter of survival. Research has also shown that experiences that are charged with emotion tend to be the automatic go-to memories that influence how we react to our present experiences. When we perceive that our survival is threatened, our bodies are flooded with powerful chemicals that enable us to defend ourselves, to escape, or to play dead. (Fight, flight or freeze) We experience this cascade of chemicals as emotions. Eventually, just like an alcoholic or a drug addict, we become addicted to the chemicals that our bodies produce when activated by our perceptions. (for more on this, watch the movie “What the Bleep do We Know”)
In this way, our most current theories to explain who we are and what happens in our lives produce results that are predictable, automatic and very limiting. And for most of us, those theories spin completely undetected in our minds. All of our habits are in support of and as the result of these theories. Have you ever tried to change a habit only to fail again and again?
We get what we get in life because of the actions that we take. We do what we do because of the emotions that we experience. When the emotions are comfortable, we take different actions than we take when the emotions are uncomfortable. The emotions we experience are responses to thoughts that we hold as true. And we hold thoughts as true if they support what we already believe, our most current theories.
To change a habit, I must also change the theory that supports the habit. To consciously change the theory, I have to know what the theory is. Because the theory is automatic and hidden (part of that 2,000,000 bits that the subconscious handles at any one time), it’s not easy to detect.
So here is another part of my most current theory,
The more closely my beliefs (my favorite theories) align with what is true (reality) the more I experience peace and clarity. With reality aligned thinking I have begun to experience self-love and humble confidence.
When my beliefs are not aligned with what is true, when they argue with reality, as Byron Katie says, I suffer and create suffering for those who are close to me. My internal life is like a tossing, turbulent sea. I am confused and unsettled. It’s easy to blame others or to blame myself. I am filled with self-doubt. Trust is impossible.
But the great thing about suffering is that it can help us to detect our theories. The symptoms of suffering are the bread crumbs leading back to the theory that is causing the suffering. If we are not able or willing to examine our theories, then it seems ridiculous to consider that our thinking is causing the suffering. It seems apparent that our suffering is the result of what is happening “out there”. But as most of us have learned by now, trying to change what happens out there is futile and exhausting. Is it easier to carpet the planet or to buy a new pair of sandals? I can’t remember where I read or heard this but I like it.
Once I have detected the theory, I can reconsider its validity. And if I am able to be honest, if I am willing to let go of my most current theory, I may be able to see that my best guess to explain what was happening or not happening so many years ago simply was not accurate. Or, at the very least, the explanation is no longer relevant in my life. And when I have seen that for myself, clarity and relief are the result. What was previously impossible is now possible because I can now see what I was previously blind to. Without my theory, the 2,000 bits of data that my conscious mind focuses on transforms. I can see what my old theory would not allow me to see. I can see reality.
“Life doesn’t happen as it should. Life doesn’t happen as is shouldn’t. Life happens as it does.” Tracy Goss
